Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Butt Sniffer Manhunt

Here's another true story that can't be ignored.

I saw the security camera footage of this incident and it's very strange. The guy spent about ten minutes trying to get a good whiff, pretending to reach for products on the lower shelves nearby, and not even being discreet about it. Very bizarre. But I did wonder what law they were going to use once they caught the guy. That convenient catch-all "disorderly conduct"? Do they have that in England?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Christmas Sweater

In the interest of full disclosure, I haven't read Glen Beck's maudlin autobiographical novel. And like virtually every other person on Earth, I didn't attend his live-beamed-to-movie-theaters dramatization of it. I gleaned all I needed from an online transcript of an interview he gave Don Imus.

The thing that really pissed me off about The Christmas Sweater is how he tried to turn it into a live-beamed-to-theaters event. I think the live-beamed-to-theaters medium offers a lot of potential, but using it for something as lame as TCS can't be good for future productions. It's like if the first rock band ever recorded was Boston, would the Beatles ever get a recording contract?

In closing, Glen Beck is an evil, disingenuous ass-clown pandering to a weak-minded, easily-manipulated, xenophobic audience.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Tiger's Transgressions

I had hoped to get around to doing a few episodes over the weekend, but I got laid low by a wicked toothache. Nothing seems funny when all you can think about is using a rock and the blade of an ice skate to knock that throbbing demon out of your mouth. (I totally get that scene in Castaway now.) Anyway, I'm still in a little pain, so I have no idea if this is funny or not. I just want to know when I'll be able to chew again.

Too bad for Lily, the going price on a mistress' story takes a steep drop once the number of mistresses gets into double figures.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Lucid Dreaming IV

The Lucid Dreaming series of last year was popular, so here's another installment. If you'd like to check out the others in this series, go to Lucid Dreaming, Lucid Dreaming II and Lucid Dreaming III. Enjoy.

And just for easy reference, here are some pictures of Rihanna. She looks nice.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Half a Man

I have a good feeling about this one. It's one of those that seemed to write itself and I just sat back laughing at what I was typing. Maybe I'm just tired and giddy.

Did you like it?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Esquire Technology

I still have a subscription to Esquire Magazine, solely for the "A Funny Joke Told by a Beautiful Woman" page. Though, to be honest, without Esquire, how would I know how to roll up my sleeves?

Seriously, do they focus group these ideas? Did anyone actually say to them, "You know what's missing in your magazine? The ability to wave it in front of a computer to launch web pages. That would be awesome." Is it just me, or do you get a hint of desperation in the face of the death of print media? I guess if I worked at a magazine, I'd be freaking out too.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Actually, the formal name of this group is the Yeomen Warders of Her Majesty's Royal Palace and Fortress the Tower of London, not to be confused with the Yeomen of the Guard, a completely separate organization. Confusing those two will mark you as a complete moron. I learned that from Wikipedia. Speaking of which, feel free to turn "What am I, Wikipedia?" into the hot new catch-phrase. Saying that will mark you as a hip, cool follower of Deadpan Inc. to those in the know.

Here's a photo of Moira Cameron, the first female Yeoman of the Guard in their 1,000-year history. Seriously, dudes, couldn't you wait for the second female Beefeater before starting with the dirty talk? Way to sully history, Beefeaters.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Monday, November 2, 2009

Phil Can't Drum

Yay! Technical problem finally figured out. A new episode for your enjoyment. Was it worth the wait? I've been waiting so long to post this, it's hard for me to say. Nothing is really funny after the eleventh viewing.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Technical Difficulties II

While waiting for my problems publishing new Deadpan Inc. clips to be resolved, I offer you this cool little song by Kate Micucci. Enjoy.

The director, Raul B. Fernandez, is a recent film school grad who's just getting started. Nice job, Raul.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Technical Difficulties

I'm having trouble publishing two new episodes through xtranormal, which is apparently in the midst of a major system upgrade. Please stay in touch -- Brad and Lily will be back soon.

In the meantime, enjoy this cool thing I had nothing to do with (but really like). I forgot Jerry Seinfeld was in this movie.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

French Words

Why are the French so protective of their language? True, it is a beautiful language. Are they worried that if it gets watered down with English words, it won't be as useful in seducing tourists?

I'm surprised Brad didn't go with "crescent roll." I had high hopes for this one, but the ending feels weak. C'est la vie. Feel free to leave a comment with your own suggestion for Americanizing a French word used by English speakers.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Rollercoaster Speed Dating

"So, what do you like to do...aaaaahhhh!...for fun? "

"I like to take long walks on the beeeeeeeeeeeach!"

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Optimistic Mamma

This gal has found the key to popularity in her workplace. I wonder if they have an employee policy about this kind of thing.

What guy wouldn't want to raise a child he fathered with the cleaning lady he shared with five other inmates? It's like they all have a one-in-six chance of "winning."

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Choose Your Apocalypse

I can go either way on this issue. It's a tough call.

If you're wondering about the eyelash treatment Brad mentions, you can check it out here. The site is full of warnings about being careful where you apply the stuff or else eyelashes will grow where you don't want them. I wouldn't want that anywhere near my eyes. I'd be worried some would get under my eyelid and then eyelashes would grow inside there and I'd walk around always feeling like I had an eyelash in my eye. That's the stuff of nightmares.

Of course, I have long, lush eyelashes, more so than any man needs or deserves, so it's hard for me to imagine the desperation of an eyelash-deprived woman. Maybe this is exactly where medical research dollars should be going. Never mind those unprofitable rare diseases that don't have a celebrity spokesmodel.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Optimistic Mugger

You have to admire this guy's self confidence.

But if you think guys can be delusional in their relationships with the opposite sex, just wait until you see Wednesday's episode.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Homeless American Girl Doll

Shortest episode ever. Don't blink, or you'll miss it.

Is it tasteless to make fun of a product sold to benefit charities for the homeless? Yes, it would be -- but this isn't a fundraiser. It's just another product. How stupid is it of Mattel, the parent company, to come out with a homeless doll and not set aside at least part of the profits for homeless charities? Wow.

I'll give them props for trying to raise awareness of homelessness, but I think all the tent cities that are starting to pop up around the country will take care of that just fine.

Friday, September 25, 2009

200th Episode: Who is Khloe Kardashian?

Wow. 200 episodes. Tremendous accomplishment, or tremendous waste of time? I can't decide. Maybe both. I hope you've been entertained by one or two of them. To celebrate, I'm offering up a special two-part episode. Enjoy.

To all of you who have encouraged me these past months, thanks. I means a lot to me to hear from you and know someone is out there enjoying my little hobby. Today is also my birthday, so why not leave me the gift of a comment. Let me know about that special episode that helped you kick meth, leave the Republican Party, or whatever.

And thanks to those of you who offered suggestions for today's episode(s). I used ideas from Karl White, Reine Silverlight-Mallonee and King Rat to build this extravaganza. Thanks! (Sorry, Reine, I don't think they're ever going to get there.)

Hey, just noticed that Dan Piraro is talking about celebrity today too. I owe Dan a lot for getting this blog some attention in the early days. Thanks again, Dan.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Internet's Down

Here's an episode that came to me while trying to wake up on a Saturday morning -- not a time that typically produces profound thoughts.

Friday should be an exciting day. It's both my birthday and the scheduled posting of the 200th episode. I haven't written it yet, and I'd like it to be special -- so I'm open to suggestions. What's your favorite kind of episode? Is there something in the news I haven't covered but should have? Do you have a personal story you're willing to risk having Brad and Lily discuss? Please leave a comment and help me make the 200th one of the best ever.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Dumpster Party

I have trouble believing this story. Not that it happened, but that it happened in Kansas rather than Florida. Could this couple have moved from Florida to Kansas?

For those of you outside the U.S. who don't know who Glen Beck is, let me try to explain. He is a right-wing commentator on a faux "news" channel who believes the world is being run by a "New World Order" of a secret cabal of wealthy families who control liberal politicians and the mainstream media in order to turn the U.S. into a facist, socialist, communist state so they can...I've lost the train of thought. It's really hard to follow. He claims it's all in some book by another Mormon crackpot who was laughed out of the conservative movement decades ago. He is often moved to tears on national television about this nonsense.

It would all be completely laughable if people weren't showing up at Presidential events heavily armed. And for some reason, that's legal in this country. You can't bring a gun on a plane (yet), but you can bring loaded weapons to a Presidential address, no problem. To quote Yakov Smirnoff, "what a country."

Friday, September 18, 2009

Faux Big Brother

People actually volunteer to be on Big Brother? Why would anyone want to do that? I always thought it was some kind of home confinement program for minor criminals.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Epileptic Gender Confusion

This story made me think of that Shania Twain song "I Feel Like a Woman." How does she normally feel? Is she playing "The Crying Game" with us?

BTW -- if you've never seen the movie "The Crying Game" and want to IMDB it because you don't get the reference, be wary of a pretty big spoiler.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Cirque du Espace

Here's an episode especially for my French Canadian friends. I know it sounds like I'm making fun of the Cirque folks, but I'm actually a fan.

I finished this and then realized Lily should have been referring to Cosmonauts, not Astronauts. Oh well, too late now.

Want to see the inspiration for one of the lines? Check out this clip. Elena Lev. I love her. This is some bad-ass hula hoop work. If you don't think hula hoop can be bad-ass, you haven't seen Elena. Look at her face when she starts: "Yeah, I'm working a hula hoop. STFU."

Friday, September 11, 2009

Eyes Up, Buster

Another scientific study that causes me to have deep respect for the writer of the grant proposal.

A lot of times I'll throw in a photo here to illustrate the story -- but I'm sure you'll be able to find an appropriate illustration somewhere online without my help.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Monkeyman Driver

Another true news story, this time from Phoenix. I once got one of those photo tickets in Phoenix. It's a weird feeling seeing yourself in the photo on the ticket -- like your privacy has been violated. I'm just glad I wasn't obviously singing along to the radio or stuffing a Hostess cupcake in my face.

Sorry if the end makes me sound like a cranky old fart who complains that nobody uses their turn signals anymore. (I am that guy.) I'm sure most people's initial response is "good for him, he's beating the system." But I share Lily's assessment of him.

Just a few days ago, a few blocks from my house, someone pulled out of a gas station right into the path of two people on a motorcycle, killing them both. This is exactly the kind of thing this ass is going to do. How clever will he feel explaining his scheme to the family of someone he kills. "I'm really sorry. I didn't see your son because I was wearing this mask to beat traffic tickets."

Here's a picture of this douchebag.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Bizarre Urinal Incident

The story you are about to hear is true. I couldn't make this up. In 99% of these episodes Brad is just a character -- he's not my alter-ego. But today he is. This actually happened to me.

If you have any clue what might have been going on, please leave a comment and let me know -- though I probably don't want to know if I was an unwitting participant in some kind of freaky public group perversion.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Cheater's Punishment

Another true news item that could inspire a country song -- this time, surprisingly, not from Florida.

At first she wanted him to stay out there for a week, but she let him stop after just a few hours. Perhaps she too became aware of potential unintended consequences.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Lamborghini Gallardo Hybrid

It's slated for introduction in the 2015 model year. Sometimes the wife asks if I have a five-year plan. Now I have an answer for her.

Now all I have to do is keep my Saturn Ion running until then. Here's the object of my lust.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

World's Youngest Wing Walker

Sorry for the long delay between updates. Been crazy busy. Don't even really have time to be doing this. I should be asleep. Goodnight.

Hey, I wonder if the boy wanted to go again -- after he stopped screaming. Here's a picture of the kid. Doesn't look too traumatized.

Monday, August 17, 2009

A Pervy Cat

You can always count on stupid criminals to deliver choice material. I would have liked to see the police interrogators trying to keep a straight face as this guy told his story.

Did you play along with Lily? If you guessed right, leave a comment to brag about it. And leave a comment if you guessed wrong -- you have some explaining to do. It wasn't that hard, was it?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Zombie Fungus

Sorry I haven't posted anything in awhile. It's 2:00 AM and I just spent an hour creating a really cool episode about a fungus in Thailand that turns ants into mindless zombies. First good inspiration in a week. But xtranormal lost the file during rendering. Gone. No sign of it. Tried to save it as a draft and re-open it. No such luck. Gone. FML. And I'm not staying up to redo it -- have to work tomorrow. Guess it wasn't meant to be.

UPDATE: Yay! Finally got it published with the diligent aid of xtranormal tech support. But after five days, it already feels dated. But maybe that's just me. I usually post'em and forget'em. Having to mess around with this one for the last few days made it feel old to me -- but it's new to you, right? Enjoy.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Ferris Wheel Fiancé

A true story of romance between a woman and a carnival ride.

Does the Ferris wheel have any say in this? What if he has more appropriate feelings for the Tilt-a-Whirl?

This story is so bizarre, I couldn't resist it -- but I felt a twinge of guilt doing it. This story makes me sad. Described in the article as an unemployed church organist, she might not be considered by most as "a catch," but I'll bet there's a lonely man somewhere who would love to love her and be loved by her. Cue Eleanor Rigby.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Gender Neutral Child

Those wacky Swedes!

I believe this is the longest Deadpan Inc. episode ever. And the shortest blog post.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Healthcare Profiteers

Is brokering the sale of a kidney really so bad? How is that worse than denying coverage of a medical procedure so you can boost your bottom line?

Some opponents of universal health care will use Canadian patient satisfaction surveys as evidence that they are not happier with their system than we in the U.S. are -- but that's bullshit. This article by Stephan Gohmann from the University of Louisville explains how the different delivery methods skews each groups' perception of quality.

I'll try to explain the gist of that article with an analogy. Say you have two groups of people going to two different lunch cafeterias every day. In one, fries are always available. In the other, sometimes those same fries are available and sometimes they're not. Both groups are likely to rate the quality of the fries (hot enough, salted right, etc.) the same. In fact, the people who have a harder time getting fries might rate them better because they appreciate the opportunity to eat fries when they can. But if you move a diner from the lunchroom with spotty fry service to the lunchroom that always has fries, you can be sure he'll consider that an improvement in his fry situation.

Another rap on single-payer government health care is that it would cost jobs in the health insurance industry. Boo frickin' hoo. Let them change with the times and get new jobs.

I once had a nice career shooting, designing and programming multi-image shows. These were glorified slide shows where 12 or more slide projectors were controlled by a computer and synchronized to a soundtrack. Then lower cost video projection became available and my multi-image career became obsolete. Was there a multi-image lobby out there trying to stop low-cost video projection? Nope. Did I curl up and cry about it? No, I switched to producing and writing video. I changed with the times.

At the end of the 19th century, there were 130,000 horses working the streets of New York. No, they weren't prostitutes -- they were pulling streetcars, delivering milk and so on. That made for a lot of jobs in the horse manure removal industry. Isn't it a shame all those jobs were lost due to the arrival of the automobile? Wouldn't it be a goddamn shame if the health insurance industry became obsolete? I have my doubts.

Okay, got that off my chest. Look for a much funnier episode Monday morning. 'Later.

BTW - if you liked the Intelligent Design episode a few days ago, you might enjoy the script extension over on the Facebook fan page. Are you a Facebook fan yet? No? Why not? It's a great place to stalk other people who share your love of DI.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Rose Garden Beer Bash

Yeah, I know, every comedian in the country is doing something with this story, but I couldn't resist.

Speaking of Schlitz Malt Liquor, check out this cool commercial I found. (And by "cool" I mean hilariously/disturbingly inappropriate.)

Monday, July 27, 2009

Intelligent Design

I think creationists started realizing the whole magical appearance of Adam and Eve was a tough story for modern people to swallow, so they came up with this idea of "intelligent design" to counter evolution theory. Nice try.

They should just be honest and say they don't believe in any science at all because science demands rational causality and since everything magically comes from God, anything God wants to happen anytime, anywhere, can magically happen. So why even bother with science?

Of course, most religious people don't go that far. Most are perfectly comfortable using science to do something like design a bridge. They don't leave it to faith that the Lord will allow it to support the weight of traffic without employing science to design a stable structure. (At least I hope so.) But it's curious to me how people draw that line. "I trust science for pasteurizing my milk, but for telling me I share ancestors with apes, no way!" What's the criteria?

Friday, July 24, 2009


In this episode, Brad calls out a Cambridge police sergeant for a pussy move. I hope none of the police in my town see this. Did I mention that I live in Billings, Montana? I'm never anywhere near the state of Illinois, so don't bother looking for me there.

Before you start writing a comment in furious defense of police officers everywhere, let me just say that I have the utmost respect and admiration for these people that do a tough, often thankless, heroic job. But it's also clear that too many people in positions of authority (cops, judges, teachers, customer service reps at Best Buy, etc.) let their personal feelings about a person influence their treatment of that person. If you're pulled over for speeding, are you more or less likely to get a ticket if you call the officer a dickweed*? Should you? What does calling him a dickweed have to do with how fast you were going? The good ones at least try to remain professional and not let their personal feelings affect how they enforce the law.

Sgt. Crowley could have said, "I was insulted by what Prof. Gates was saying to me, which may have led me to make an arrest that wasn't really necessary, and for that I apologize." But instead, he dug in his heels and insisted he did nothing wrong, so that makes him a dickweed. (And a pussy for not having a thicker skin in the first place.)

By the way, I've decided to change my approach to this blog. Up until now, I have been dutifully turning out five a week in a effort to suck you into a DI habit. Now that there's a good body of work here, and I have other distractions (like nice weather outside), I've decided to only post a clip when I have something I really want to say. That means the frequency may drop as low as once a week. There will probably be less stupid, pointless jokes, unless I come up with one that's really funny. I hope those of you who have made visiting this little Internet attraction a regular part of your day aren't too disappointed, and you'll continue to watch for new episodes and share them with your friends. You're the best.

*The dickweed is an actual plant. It's one of those words that sounds dirty but isn't really.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Life Sentence for Music Theft

I wonder if this guy is fully aware that he's doing life for something millions of teenagers do every day. Ha ha, scumbag idiot.

Heh, heh -- she said "penal." Sorry, just a little Beavus and Butthead flashback there.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Fake Moon Landing

How can we believe the government about this? After all, wasn't Nixon in office then?

I've said this before, but I doubt conspiracy theories based on video evidence alone when there should be plenty of eyewitnesses. Large groups of people just can't keep secrets that well.

Take the supposed "controlled demolition" of World Trade Center 7. There's plenty of evidence that debunks that conspiracy theory online, so I won't go into it here. But the thing that made me doubt it was lack of any eyewitnesses to the planting of the explosives. There are a lot of people in a 50-story Manhattan office building. If you've ever seen how those demolition crews work, you know they don't just plant a few charges. They plant dozens of charges all through the building. If I was one of the office workers in WTC 7, I would have noticed guys planting dynamite and running detonation wires all over the place. I get engrossed in my work, but I think I would have noticed that. "Dude, what's up with all the dynamite? Did I miss a memo?"

Friday, July 17, 2009

Porn Star Groom, Cavalia and Bike Rack Etiquette

Here's an episode just for those of you suffering from ADHD. Three half-baked ideas jammed into one half-assed episode.

Smooth transitions are highly overrated. I thought this was going to be lame, but I actually laughed harder at the playback than I have in a long time. I have no idea why.

An extended script for the Cavalia section can be found at the fan page on Facebook. There's a link over to the right.

Speaking of fandom, have I mentioned lately that I'm a big fan of Dan Piraro, his comic Bizarro, and his blog, BizarroBlog? No? Well I am.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Microsoft Weather

Here's another episode that's not going to help me get a sponsorship from Microsoft.

The actual plan Bill's group is working on is to prevent hurricanes by lowering the surface temperature of the water in the Gulf of Mexico. They would have a huge flotilla of ships that would pump cold water from the bottom up to the surface.

Of course, he blatantly stole this idea from David Byrne of the Talking Heads, as expressed in these lyrics from "Once in a Lifetime," from the album Remain in Light.

"Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!"

Gates wants to fund this project by selling hurricane insurance. If he makes another gabillion dollars holding the gulf coast states hostage to the threat of hurricanes, I think David Byrne is entitled to a cut of the action.

As with the Double Arm Transplant episode, if you have another example of a quirk of Microsoft Weather, we'd like to see it in the comments.

By the way (BTW), after looking up those lyrics to make sure I remembered them correctly, I had to blast "The Great Curve" -- my favorite song ever. The world does move on a woman's hips.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Man's Bra

You'd think I would know Brad pretty well by now, but he still has the ability to surprise me.

Here's a picture of the bra for men offered by this Japanese company. Sexy! But I think this color might show through a white business shirt. Maybe that's the idea. I don't know. WTF!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Fins and Wings

Today's posting is about something that's been bugging me for a long time. The rear deck spoiler.

If you feel the urge to argue in favor of the rear deck spoiler, I offer these two photos into evidence. You tell me, which looks more bad-ass, the tail fins on the Caddy or the wing on the PT Cruiser? Both might be stupid, but the fins were way cooler. I rest my case.

That last line of the clip, I just had to throw in there. The phrase "The Greatest Generation" comes from a book by TV anchorman Tom Brokaw about the generation of Americans who grew up in the depression and fought in WWII. My parents were part of that generation, and not everything they did was so great. I haven't read his book, but I doubt Tom devoted many pages to their tacit acceptance of the racist norms of those times. It's shocking to me that there are still many people alive today who remember those "good old days" when "the colored" like Tiger Woods weren't allowed to play in PGA tournaments.

Just for the record, I refused to let my Saturn dealer put a spoiler on my Ion sedan. I've seen Gallardos with and without rear wings, and I much prefer without. Keep that in mind if you're thinking of buying me a Gallardo.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Elevator Erotica

Here's another SEO titled episode. It's amazing to me how much traffic I get from search engines when the episode title contains words like "porn" and "sex." Even more surprising is how much traffic I get from people looking for a picture of the Lamborghini Gallardo.

Since I missed a few days, I decided not to wait until Monday to post this -- hence the rare Saturday posting.

You might notice on the right, in my list of sites, there's a new blog. Do not be tempted to go there. Seriously, I'm not doing some reverse psychology trick on you. I really don't think you should go there. Unless you also work in the field of corporate communications, you'll find my ramblings about effective communications strategies profoundly uninteresting. You'll just be bored and end up hating me.

But if that kind of thing does interest you, feel free to check it out. You might want to wait about a week for me to get a few more postings up -- there's not much there yet. But you can critique the name if you like.

Speaking of the Lambo Gallardo, someone has made a pair of pumps inspired by my dream ride. If I was stuck in an elevator with a woman wearing a pair of these, it would probably be too much for me to handle. As the picture illustrates, they are literally smokin' hot.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Be Back Soon

Sorry, no episode today. I'm working on my professional promo site and on a new blog for my profound thoughts about writing for pay.

Wouldn't now be a good time to catch up on all those episodes you missed, or to revisit your favorites? Brad and Lily should be back early next week.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Canine Husband

This title could be misleading. Surprisingly, this clip is not about Governor Mark Sanford.

It's a shame that the slippery slope of unconventional marriage has taken this woman out of the dating pool. Any woman who would marry a dog would be a real catch for most guys.

It's interesting to me that anti-gay-marriage people often bring up the inability to procreate as an argument against extending marriage rights. As if the world was in dire need of more babies. When I was growing up, the biggest environmental concern was the population boom. But while our exploding global population is putting a greater strain on natural resources than ever, nobody in the U.S. ever talks about that anymore. Nobody wants to say anything negative about babies.

China's one child policy seems oppressive, but at least they are acknowledging the problem and trying to do something about it. I don't know the answer, but I can't believe spreading the message that there is no higher calling than parenthood is helping. I think that if people can enjoy their lives in stable relationships without the need to pump out more babies, then we should say "more power to 'em."

Unfortunately, it seems that just the opposite is happening. In Islamic cultures were polygamy is accepted, men can father dozens of children. Osama Bin Laden has about 50 brothers and sisters. So some Christians feel like they're in a competition -- that they have a moral imperative to keep pace with baby production. They don't stop to think that, as a culture, we might be more successful if we kept our ratio of people to natural resources low by keeping our population in check.

But as I said, I don't have an answer on how to do that. We're happy as a one-child family, but I can't justify imposing our family size on anyone else any more than I could justify imposing a rigid definition of straight marriage on gay people. But I do think accepting, and even encouraging, people who choose to not have kids is a good start. They even asked the lady who married her dog what she was going to do about having kids, and she said, "We'll adopt." Why even ask her that question? As if not being able to have kids is the crazy part of that scenario! The world doesn't need everybody procreating. Until Japanese sex-bots become affordable to the masses, we'll always have plenty of babies.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ix-nay on the Idget-may

I hope any little person who sees this takes it in the spirit of fun and info-tainment that it was intended. I'm on their side here.

Speaking of little people, have you seen this trailer that's been around for awhile? I haven't seen this movie yet, but it looks interesting.

I wonder about the casting of Gary Oldman, though. Oldman is a kick-ass actor, but you'd think there would be at least one actual little person who could handle that role and save the production company a ton of money in special effects. (If I was a little person actor, I'd be pissed.) UNLESS, this is the actual size of Gary Oldman, and special effects were used in all of his other movies to make him look normal height -- just like they do with Tom Cruise. It's just a theory, but it would explain this odd casting choice.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Palin Resigns!

To paraphrase Richard Nixon after he lost to JFK, we won't have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore. Right.

I was a Hoosier growing up, so I can't help but know a little bit about basketball. In her resignation speech she said, "A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win." She must have been the worst point guard ever. When driving through a full-court press, you don't keep your eye on the basket. You keep your eye out for an open teammate. How does keeping your eye on the basket let you know when to pass? She can't even make a decent sports analogy.

You know who must be most upset by this development? Mike Huckabee. Can Fox support two shows hosted by Republican ex-governors? If she does get a show on Fox, I hope she takes a cue from Ellen and dances to her theme music. That would rock.

Here's my favorite picture of her right now. Is that proper flag etiquette?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

iPhone Entrepreneurs

This could be the best episode ever. But I doubt it. I didn't have an idea all day and then threw this together right before bed. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that. I hope you enjoy it.

It's based on a real news story that made me jealous of an eleven-year-old. I'm not a bitter old man. I'm not.

I'll probably be taking some time off for the fourth. See you on Monday. Have a great weekend. Don't blow off any fingers.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Take Your Gun to Church

Uh-oh. I'm bracing myself for subscribers dropping me, Facebook fans deserting me, and family members shaking their heads in disappointment. I'll probably even lose that juicy sponsorship deal with Vibram. Oh well.

Before you get too upset, let me set the record straight that I don't have a problem with people who follow Jesus, or any religious choice, as long as they have love in their hearts. And I certainly don't have a problem with people who have patriotic pride in the USA. I don't even have that much of a problem with people who have a fetish for their guns and are avid defenders of their interpretation of the 2nd Amendment. (I may not share their opinions but I try to respect and tolerate their point of view.) I just think it's funny that some people think those three things all go together like football, chicken wings and beer.

It's interesting to me that the gun rights people point out that the founding fathers wanted us all to have arms so that we could overthrow the federal government if it started doing things we didn't like. But usually those are the same people who hate hippies and liberals for protesting a war our government is waging. Apparently, if the need arises, shooting and killing fellow citizens who work for the government would be okay, but God forbid you burn a flag. That would be crossing the line.

Seriously, the whole gun rights issue boils down to this simple idea: If Bob, your next door neighbor who works for the feds, shows up at your door one day asking for your gun, you should have the right to shoot him in the face. Is that what Jesus would do? I'm just sayin'...there seems to be a disconnect there. (I might have to take back that statement of trying to respect their point of view.)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Vibram FiveFingers

Usually I put any supporting image after the clip, but today I think you have to see these shoes before watching the video.

My first thought was to have Lily make fun of Brad's new shoes, but it occurred to me that making fun of a product does nothing to help me monetize this site. What company would want to sponsor me if I'm just going to make fun of them? So if you would like to know where to buy these incredible new shoes, visit And if you work for Vibram and would like to talk to me about cross-promotional opportunities, email me at strattonbiz at sbcglobal dot net.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Michael Jackson, RIP?

Yes, it is too early to joke about the death of the King of Pop. But it's never to early to joke about some people's reaction to the news.

There's actually a video online now that supposedly shows MJ sitting up in the body bag in the helicopter on the trip from the hospital to the morgue. It's grainy and there's just a glimpse of movement in just a few frames that could easily just be someone moving the body -- but it's indisputable truth that he's still alive!

Unfortunately, this conspiracy theory has the same problem that the conspiracy to frame OJ had -- it would require the participation of hundreds of people who had no motive to support the conspiracy. For example, how would you deal with the ER staff? How would the conspirators know who's going to be on duty that day? Would they pay off the entire staff of the hospital ER? And none of those employees would get the idea that they could make even more money blowing the whistle to the National Enquirer?

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I think all conspiracy theories are bunk. I'm sure there's more to the JFK assassination than what was in the Warren Report. But there, we're talking about the CIA, not the entourage of a pop star.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Nude Bus Driver

Sorry to disappoint, but she wasn't driving the bus nude.

It was surprisingly hard to find a picture of Miss Nude Belgium 2009. I'm pretty sure this is her. She's not as pretty as I thought she would be. I guess driving a bus gives you man-hands.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Ashes on eBay

Here's a real news item from England, or Great Britain, or whatever they call it now.

As soon as I finished this I wondered if I could find a picture of a gothic hourglass. It literally took about 15 seconds to find this image. Awesome. As you can see from the protective watermark, it's from a site called Obscuria, and they have a bunch of similarly emo things for sale there. I have no idea if I'm using the terms "gothic" and "emo" correctly.

If you're into this kind of thing, I actually have a friend who makes cool jewelery and accessories with a horror/vampire theme. She's a nice suburban mom and a not at all creepy. (Sorry for ruining the illusion, Rachel.) You can find her work here. Check it out.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Mouse Milk

Scientists. Those wacky scientists. Always up to something.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Spaceport America

Here's another real news item. Brad is concerned. Perhaps rightfully so.

Here's an artist's rendering of the planned spaceport. How could a space alien resist this?

And where is this being built? New Mexico! Here's Governor Bill Richardson celebrating with Sir Richard Branson. Bill has a plan. Soon enough, Mexican aliens will be the least of our worries.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Zicam Recall

Welcome back to the work week. Hope you had a nice weekend.

If you're not familiar with the Garfunkel and Oates mentioned in the clip, you should be. Their names, respectively, are Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci, and they're great. Riki is tall and Kate is from the future. They are kind of like Flight of the Conchords if Brett and Jermaine were adorable American women. They just got a little bit of fame for their pro-gay-marriage-rights song Sex with Ducks. Here's a bit of their earlier work that's a lot of fun. Enjoy.

Hey, it's Daughter Stratton's birthday today! Wish her a Happy Birthday! She's a good kid.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Molson Retirees

A posting about beer seems like a good way to end the week. Enjoy the weekend - responsibly.

I know for some of you, especially college students, a 12-pack a week doesn't sound like that much. But I'd have trouble keeping up with it. Most days I could easily drink two beers a day, but often I'd miss a few days and before you know it I'd have a big backlog of beer stacking up and I'd have to start washing my hair in it. And if you've seen my hair, you know what a waste that would be.

I know it sounds like Brad is saying "Mole son," but it was either that or "mallson." You'd think that xtranormal, being a Canadian company, would have a better pronunciation of Molson in their text-to-voice software. They must be Labatt drinkers.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Coke Zero Ban

Hugo Chavez is acting anti-American again.

To be honest, this episode feels a little like methadone for Deadpan Inc. junkies. Probably just good enough to tide you over. I'm a little disappointed. Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I felt that way about New Mexico, and then heard some people loved it. Who knows? I don't know.

BTW - Brad is saying "DLP video projector." It kind of sounds like "the LP video projector." DLPs (Digital Light Processors) are amazing. I once wrote a little educational clip about them for a client. They are actually about a million (or more) tiny little tilt-able mirrors on a computer chip the size of a large postage stamp. The individual mirrors (one for each pixel) tilt really fast to reflect light through the lens and create the image. Like when you hold a mirror up to the sun to flash a distress signal, times a million. When you go to a movie theater that has digital projection, you're seeing light bouncing off more than two million little tilting mirrors. That freaks me out. Way to go, TI.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A New Element

Are you relieved that Brad is back? I am. So is Lily. And so is Brad, obviously.

I'd like to point out to all those clients who like working with me but can't afford to keep me on full-time that I am always available for "secure document shredding."

It feels almost unpatriotic to take a shot at GM now, but why are they ditching Saturn and Pontiac while keeping Buick? Huh? Won't Buick's entire demographic die off before they pay back any of that bailout money?

For those of you who live in a country where GM cars are called Opels or Holdens, thus making you puzzled about Lily's Buick Enclave comment, here's a picture of it. It's totally different from the Chevy Traverse seen just below it.

I might have mixed those pictures up. They are a little small. Anyway, I'm sure the Enclave is worth every penny of the 20% premium GM expects you to pay for it.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dead Tadpole Rain

English literature majors are going to love today's episode for my deft use of metaphor to illuminate Lily's state of mind. Or not.

Monday, June 15, 2009

DTV Transition

I'm afraid that people who found this from a search of "DTV Transition" are going to be disappointed. I don't have any information about the government coupon program for DTV converters. Sorry.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Proposition 8 Rerun

In honor of the firing of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, and the transformation of Chastity Bono into Chaz, I'm rerunning this classic episode from the first week of Deadpan Inc.

This was back when Brad was a fast talker. Comparing the way he speaks now to how he spoke back then, I'm worried that he might be huffing spray paint.

If you'd like to see a new episode today, click over to the fan page on Facebook for a new exclusive.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

90-Year-Old Graduate

Another just-in-the-nick-of-time late night episode -- but I think it came out okay. Thanks, Jennifer, for the news item.

This episode got me thinking if unrelated outside factors influence public opinion polls. For example, are more people willing to go along with same-sex marriage on a Monday after a sunny weekend than after a rainy one? Hey Psychology students, there's a study you could do. (Talking to you, Daughter Stratton.)

I'm confident enough in my masculinity to admit I love SYTYCD. And before you say "that's kinda gay," let me ask you -- have you seen the body of a female professional dancer on HDTV? That SYTYCD action is hotter than Cinemax Late Night, and you don't get the stink eye from the wife for watching it. Win!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Stupid Arrogant Cat

Here's another story that seems hard to believe, but it's true. If you don't believe me, bing it. (Google is so May '09.)

The couple's names are Chris and Rose Rasmussen and the stupid arrogant cat's name is Sparky. Here's a picture of Chris with Sparky.

I have to admit, from this picture alone, Sparky looks pretty damn special. See how he's doing such a good job of acting like Chris doesn't even exist. That takes concentration.

I guess Brad and Lily aren't cat people. If you're a cat lover, sorry if I offended you. I had a cat growing up, but it was a cool cat because it acted more like a dog. It would chase me around the yard like a dog because it learned how to play from a small dog next door. The coolest thing it would do is hide in the bushes when my parents would have company over, and when they walked up the sidewalk to our porch the crazy cat would jump out, standing on its hind legs with its from paws clawing the air and hissing at them. The woman would scream, the man would almost fall backwards, and the cat would run off laughing to himself. His name was Rusty, and he was awesome.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Ugly Astronauts

So much real work last week, I got behind on my little videos. Pulled this one together last night right before falling into bed. I like it. Hope you do too.

Do you think Phil Collins is ugly? I honestly haven't given it much thought.

I'm still behind in clip production and have another full day of real work booked tomorrow. This would be a great week to submit that great DI idea that's been bouncing around in your noggin. I might just use it.

Hey, would you like to open up your big presentation with a Deadpan Inc. clip written especially for your audience, but you fear that your writing skills are woefully inadequate for creating an acceptably semi-funny clip? No problem. Hire me. You can do that. Just contact me via strattonbiz at sbcglobal dot net. I can be bought! For a shockingly modest fee! Interested? Let's chat.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Porn 101

If they show films in this class, I would guess it might make for some embarrassment in the passing period to the next class. A lot of guys walking across the quad holding their backpacks in front of their pants.

This episode allowed me to flaunt my film-geek knowledge. I actually use cinematic semiotics in the construction of these clips. For example, if I want Brad to appear weak, I use the shot from behind Lily that makes her look like she's towering over him. And yes, Mr. Weinstein, I am available to direct features.

Hey, check out my cool new desktop image that I illegally downloaded from the site of the amazing Mark Ryden. I hope Mark is cool with that. Maybe if he sells a painting from this plug he'll let it slide. BTW -- this paragraph is a complete non sequitor. I don't mean to imply any connection between Mark's work and porn. Seriously, Mark's work is brilliant -- porn is not.

This isn't even one of my favorite paintings. But it was one of the few on his site that offered a hi-res version that could kinda work as a desktop image. (This is the low-res.) It's still a bit blurry on my desktop, but I like it.

The script is in the comments.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Catholic Kama Sutra

Hi there. I usually write a little something here to introduce the clip. I got nothin'today. Sorry. Just watch the damn clip.

I actually did a little research for this episode. (You're welcome.) I learned a lot about the Aztec sport of ullamaliztli that I never knew before, and most of what I thought I knew was wrong. I thought it was played with a human head, but it wasn't. They used a rubber ball. Though they often used the heads of sacrificed players as decorations for the court. That had to be a strong motivator to give 110%. However, because being sacrificed was an honor, there's speculation that it was the winners who would be sacrificed. I also thought the rings (like sideways basketball goals) were way up high, but the picture I found showed them at about waist level. The players were all padded up like American football players, but they still ended up all bruised and bloody after a game. It was a bad-ass game. Here's an ullamaliztli court -- it's between 100 and 200 ft. long.

If you're curious to know what "monkey style" is, you'll have to wait for my sex manual to be published. The script of this episode is in the comments.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Italian Models

Last week I asked DI fans to challenge me by submitting two unrelated topics that I would have to combine into a single episode. Frequent commenter Red Pill Junkie came through with two such news stories. Here's what I did with them.

Simply linking the two stories wasn't that tough. The real challenge was doing that while maintaining my high standards of semi-funny comedy. I hope I succeeded.

Here's the alleged couple. The Prime Minister is 72 and the model is 18. By the commonly accepted European formula for calculating the ideal age of a mistress (divide the man's age by two and add six), Noemi is about 24 years too young for him. She's even too young for me. I'd tell you my ideal mistress age, but I'm afraid of my wife.

The script is in the comments.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Supreme Silliness

I know I'm a little late in weighing in on the Sotomayor nomination. That's what I get for trying to stay ahead of my deadlines.

So far every argument against Sotomayor falls apart when you apply a little critical thinking. To avoid inflicting a long essay on you, here's my take on those arguments in easily digestible bullet form.
  • New Haven firefighters: She found that there was not sufficient legal justification for overturning the decision of a lower court. Finding for the white firefighters would have required her to ignore the rule of law and be an "activist judge." Oh, the irony.
  • The wise Latina quote: Her quote started with "I would hope that a wise Latina..." Not "I know that a wise Latina..." Can anyone deny that a Hispanic woman is likely to have more direct experience with the kind of equal rights issues that often come before the courts than a white man? (I'm a white man, and I get that.) She's simply expressing a hope that those direct experiences would make her a better judge than someone lacking those experiences, "more often than not." Don't we all hope that our experiences will help us make better decisions, more often than not? Here's another line from the same speech that her critics never quote, "I can and do aspire to be greater than the sum total of my experiences, but I accept my limitations." And here's a quote from the wise white male Justice Alito, "When I get a case about discrimination, I have to think about people in my own family who suffered discrimination because of their ethnic background or because of religion or because of gender. And I do take that into account." Hmm.
  • Empathy: Not all legal cases are black and white logic puzzles. Often there are gray areas that demand a judgment call. That's why they're called judges. Because legal decisions can have a profound impact on people's lives, many people (myself, BHO and anyone who has ever been dragged into court) prefer that those decisions are being made by a human being rather than a Vulcan. George Lakoff wrote a fascinating blog posting about the real strategy behind this attack on empathy. It's eye-opening.
Sotomayor's record shows her to be a highly accomplished, mainstream judge who has consistently demonstrated a deep understanding and respect for the rule of law. Radical conservatives know Sotomayor is going to be confirmed. As Lakoff points out, there's another agenda behind these attacks.

Sorry about the political essay. To compensate, I'll be devoting the rest of the week to juvenile sex jokes.

Here's a new feature -- see the comment below for the script of this episode. Use it to act out this episode with a friend.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Orgy Riot

Here's another interesting news item. I thought nudist colonies were supposed to be wholesome family retreats where people could enjoy a more natural communion with nature. I guess things are a little looser at The White Cockatoo.

I originally had a post about Sotomayor scheduled for today, but there were problems with the clip on YouTube. Look for that tomorrow.

Any Australian viewers want to clue us in on the meaning of "argy-bargy"? Is that really a common expression down there? If so, I'd like to popularize its use here in the civilized parts of the world.

Anyone else suspicious of Lily's knowledge of the location of the White Cockatoo? And is the White Cockatoo supposed to be a euphemism? I'd like to hear from someone from the resort. I'll try to send them an email and see if they respond.

UPDATE: One of the owners of The White Cockatoo responded. See the comment below. Since I exploited his business for my little comedy blog, I think it's only fair that I let him post all the resort contact info. But it shouldn't be construed an endorsement on my part -- I've never been there, and I'm not likely to go until my personal economy fully recovers (and I get a new wife who's a LOT less conservative). However, should a resort owner want to sponsor a visit by world-renowned blogger by covering my airfare, lodging and incidentals, I might be open to that. As a blogger, I'm not expected to avoid conflicts of interest the way actual reporters are, am I?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Farty Pants

Here's another idea sent to me by my BFFWINMIRL, Jennifer Rice. (Best Friend Forever Whom I've Never Met In Real Life - duh) I'm pretty sure she's not this Jennifer Rice. Thanks, Jenn. I hope the clip meets your expectations.

Here's a photo of this exciting new product. Quite attractive!

This clip references two other episodes: Taco Bell Wedding and Mormon Crickets. I hope you appreciate me giving you the hot links. I still can't type html code without looking down at the keyboard. I can hear all the nerds snickering at me. Go ahead and laugh - I had a date to prom.

Sorry about taking another swipe at the Mormons. I tried to resist but I succumbed to temptation. I'm a bad man.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Twenty Dollar Coin

Here's another news item that caught my eye. I didn't really know where this was going to go when I started writing it - sometimes I enjoy those more than the ones that are all planned out.

Along with the fanny packs suggested by Lily, here's another improvement for strippers: replace those dangerous lucite heels with Crocs.

Here's another Deadpan Inc. challenge. I've challenged you in the past, to come up with double-amputee punchlines and to put music to my lyrics about fighting a blind man, but now I'm asking you to challenge me.

I just mentioned that I like clips that start on one topic and end up somewhere else. So I'm asking you to give me two unrelated topics, a starting point and an ending point, to see if I can write an episode that links the two. Make it as hard for me as you can and leave to me to pull off a smooth transition. Leave your suggestion in the comments, and if I get a good one I'll try to turn it into a special episode. Go ahead, bring it on!