Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Vibram FiveFingers

Usually I put any supporting image after the clip, but today I think you have to see these shoes before watching the video.

My first thought was to have Lily make fun of Brad's new shoes, but it occurred to me that making fun of a product does nothing to help me monetize this site. What company would want to sponsor me if I'm just going to make fun of them? So if you would like to know where to buy these incredible new shoes, visit VibramFiveFingers.com. And if you work for Vibram and would like to talk to me about cross-promotional opportunities, email me at strattonbiz at sbcglobal dot net.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Michael Jackson, RIP?

Yes, it is too early to joke about the death of the King of Pop. But it's never to early to joke about some people's reaction to the news.

There's actually a video online now that supposedly shows MJ sitting up in the body bag in the helicopter on the trip from the hospital to the morgue. It's grainy and there's just a glimpse of movement in just a few frames that could easily just be someone moving the body -- but it's indisputable truth that he's still alive!

Unfortunately, this conspiracy theory has the same problem that the conspiracy to frame OJ had -- it would require the participation of hundreds of people who had no motive to support the conspiracy. For example, how would you deal with the ER staff? How would the conspirators know who's going to be on duty that day? Would they pay off the entire staff of the hospital ER? And none of those employees would get the idea that they could make even more money blowing the whistle to the National Enquirer?

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I think all conspiracy theories are bunk. I'm sure there's more to the JFK assassination than what was in the Warren Report. But there, we're talking about the CIA, not the entourage of a pop star.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Nude Bus Driver

Sorry to disappoint, but she wasn't driving the bus nude.

It was surprisingly hard to find a picture of Miss Nude Belgium 2009. I'm pretty sure this is her. She's not as pretty as I thought she would be. I guess driving a bus gives you man-hands.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Ashes on eBay

Here's a real news item from England, or Great Britain, or whatever they call it now.

As soon as I finished this I wondered if I could find a picture of a gothic hourglass. It literally took about 15 seconds to find this image. Awesome. As you can see from the protective watermark, it's from a site called Obscuria, and they have a bunch of similarly emo things for sale there. I have no idea if I'm using the terms "gothic" and "emo" correctly.

If you're into this kind of thing, I actually have a friend who makes cool jewelery and accessories with a horror/vampire theme. She's a nice suburban mom and a not at all creepy. (Sorry for ruining the illusion, Rachel.) You can find her work here. Check it out.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Mouse Milk

Scientists. Those wacky scientists. Always up to something.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Spaceport America

Here's another real news item. Brad is concerned. Perhaps rightfully so.

Here's an artist's rendering of the planned spaceport. How could a space alien resist this?

And where is this being built? New Mexico! Here's Governor Bill Richardson celebrating with Sir Richard Branson. Bill has a plan. Soon enough, Mexican aliens will be the least of our worries.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Zicam Recall

Welcome back to the work week. Hope you had a nice weekend.

If you're not familiar with the Garfunkel and Oates mentioned in the clip, you should be. Their names, respectively, are Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci, and they're great. Riki is tall and Kate is from the future. They are kind of like Flight of the Conchords if Brett and Jermaine were adorable American women. They just got a little bit of fame for their pro-gay-marriage-rights song Sex with Ducks. Here's a bit of their earlier work that's a lot of fun. Enjoy.

Hey, it's Daughter Stratton's birthday today! Wish her a Happy Birthday! She's a good kid.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Molson Retirees

A posting about beer seems like a good way to end the week. Enjoy the weekend - responsibly.

I know for some of you, especially college students, a 12-pack a week doesn't sound like that much. But I'd have trouble keeping up with it. Most days I could easily drink two beers a day, but often I'd miss a few days and before you know it I'd have a big backlog of beer stacking up and I'd have to start washing my hair in it. And if you've seen my hair, you know what a waste that would be.

I know it sounds like Brad is saying "Mole son," but it was either that or "mallson." You'd think that xtranormal, being a Canadian company, would have a better pronunciation of Molson in their text-to-voice software. They must be Labatt drinkers.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Coke Zero Ban

Hugo Chavez is acting anti-American again.

To be honest, this episode feels a little like methadone for Deadpan Inc. junkies. Probably just good enough to tide you over. I'm a little disappointed. Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I felt that way about New Mexico, and then heard some people loved it. Who knows? I don't know.

BTW - Brad is saying "DLP video projector." It kind of sounds like "the LP video projector." DLPs (Digital Light Processors) are amazing. I once wrote a little educational clip about them for a client. They are actually about a million (or more) tiny little tilt-able mirrors on a computer chip the size of a large postage stamp. The individual mirrors (one for each pixel) tilt really fast to reflect light through the lens and create the image. Like when you hold a mirror up to the sun to flash a distress signal, times a million. When you go to a movie theater that has digital projection, you're seeing light bouncing off more than two million little tilting mirrors. That freaks me out. Way to go, TI.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A New Element

Are you relieved that Brad is back? I am. So is Lily. And so is Brad, obviously.

I'd like to point out to all those clients who like working with me but can't afford to keep me on full-time that I am always available for "secure document shredding."

It feels almost unpatriotic to take a shot at GM now, but why are they ditching Saturn and Pontiac while keeping Buick? Huh? Won't Buick's entire demographic die off before they pay back any of that bailout money?

For those of you who live in a country where GM cars are called Opels or Holdens, thus making you puzzled about Lily's Buick Enclave comment, here's a picture of it. It's totally different from the Chevy Traverse seen just below it.

I might have mixed those pictures up. They are a little small. Anyway, I'm sure the Enclave is worth every penny of the 20% premium GM expects you to pay for it.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dead Tadpole Rain

English literature majors are going to love today's episode for my deft use of metaphor to illuminate Lily's state of mind. Or not.

Monday, June 15, 2009

DTV Transition

I'm afraid that people who found this from a search of "DTV Transition" are going to be disappointed. I don't have any information about the government coupon program for DTV converters. Sorry.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Proposition 8 Rerun

In honor of the firing of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, and the transformation of Chastity Bono into Chaz, I'm rerunning this classic episode from the first week of Deadpan Inc.

This was back when Brad was a fast talker. Comparing the way he speaks now to how he spoke back then, I'm worried that he might be huffing spray paint.

If you'd like to see a new episode today, click over to the fan page on Facebook for a new exclusive.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

90-Year-Old Graduate

Another just-in-the-nick-of-time late night episode -- but I think it came out okay. Thanks, Jennifer, for the news item.

This episode got me thinking if unrelated outside factors influence public opinion polls. For example, are more people willing to go along with same-sex marriage on a Monday after a sunny weekend than after a rainy one? Hey Psychology students, there's a study you could do. (Talking to you, Daughter Stratton.)

I'm confident enough in my masculinity to admit I love SYTYCD. And before you say "that's kinda gay," let me ask you -- have you seen the body of a female professional dancer on HDTV? That SYTYCD action is hotter than Cinemax Late Night, and you don't get the stink eye from the wife for watching it. Win!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Stupid Arrogant Cat

Here's another story that seems hard to believe, but it's true. If you don't believe me, bing it. (Google is so May '09.)

The couple's names are Chris and Rose Rasmussen and the stupid arrogant cat's name is Sparky. Here's a picture of Chris with Sparky.

I have to admit, from this picture alone, Sparky looks pretty damn special. See how he's doing such a good job of acting like Chris doesn't even exist. That takes concentration.

I guess Brad and Lily aren't cat people. If you're a cat lover, sorry if I offended you. I had a cat growing up, but it was a cool cat because it acted more like a dog. It would chase me around the yard like a dog because it learned how to play from a small dog next door. The coolest thing it would do is hide in the bushes when my parents would have company over, and when they walked up the sidewalk to our porch the crazy cat would jump out, standing on its hind legs with its from paws clawing the air and hissing at them. The woman would scream, the man would almost fall backwards, and the cat would run off laughing to himself. His name was Rusty, and he was awesome.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Ugly Astronauts

So much real work last week, I got behind on my little videos. Pulled this one together last night right before falling into bed. I like it. Hope you do too.

Do you think Phil Collins is ugly? I honestly haven't given it much thought.

I'm still behind in clip production and have another full day of real work booked tomorrow. This would be a great week to submit that great DI idea that's been bouncing around in your noggin. I might just use it.

Hey, would you like to open up your big presentation with a Deadpan Inc. clip written especially for your audience, but you fear that your writing skills are woefully inadequate for creating an acceptably semi-funny clip? No problem. Hire me. You can do that. Just contact me via strattonbiz at sbcglobal dot net. I can be bought! For a shockingly modest fee! Interested? Let's chat.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Porn 101

If they show films in this class, I would guess it might make for some embarrassment in the passing period to the next class. A lot of guys walking across the quad holding their backpacks in front of their pants.

This episode allowed me to flaunt my film-geek knowledge. I actually use cinematic semiotics in the construction of these clips. For example, if I want Brad to appear weak, I use the shot from behind Lily that makes her look like she's towering over him. And yes, Mr. Weinstein, I am available to direct features.

Hey, check out my cool new desktop image that I illegally downloaded from the site of the amazing Mark Ryden. I hope Mark is cool with that. Maybe if he sells a painting from this plug he'll let it slide. BTW -- this paragraph is a complete non sequitor. I don't mean to imply any connection between Mark's work and porn. Seriously, Mark's work is brilliant -- porn is not.

This isn't even one of my favorite paintings. But it was one of the few on his site that offered a hi-res version that could kinda work as a desktop image. (This is the low-res.) It's still a bit blurry on my desktop, but I like it.

The script is in the comments.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Catholic Kama Sutra

Hi there. I usually write a little something here to introduce the clip. I got nothin'today. Sorry. Just watch the damn clip.

I actually did a little research for this episode. (You're welcome.) I learned a lot about the Aztec sport of ullamaliztli that I never knew before, and most of what I thought I knew was wrong. I thought it was played with a human head, but it wasn't. They used a rubber ball. Though they often used the heads of sacrificed players as decorations for the court. That had to be a strong motivator to give 110%. However, because being sacrificed was an honor, there's speculation that it was the winners who would be sacrificed. I also thought the rings (like sideways basketball goals) were way up high, but the picture I found showed them at about waist level. The players were all padded up like American football players, but they still ended up all bruised and bloody after a game. It was a bad-ass game. Here's an ullamaliztli court -- it's between 100 and 200 ft. long.

If you're curious to know what "monkey style" is, you'll have to wait for my sex manual to be published. The script of this episode is in the comments.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Italian Models

Last week I asked DI fans to challenge me by submitting two unrelated topics that I would have to combine into a single episode. Frequent commenter Red Pill Junkie came through with two such news stories. Here's what I did with them.

Simply linking the two stories wasn't that tough. The real challenge was doing that while maintaining my high standards of semi-funny comedy. I hope I succeeded.

Here's the alleged couple. The Prime Minister is 72 and the model is 18. By the commonly accepted European formula for calculating the ideal age of a mistress (divide the man's age by two and add six), Noemi is about 24 years too young for him. She's even too young for me. I'd tell you my ideal mistress age, but I'm afraid of my wife.

The script is in the comments.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Supreme Silliness

I know I'm a little late in weighing in on the Sotomayor nomination. That's what I get for trying to stay ahead of my deadlines.

So far every argument against Sotomayor falls apart when you apply a little critical thinking. To avoid inflicting a long essay on you, here's my take on those arguments in easily digestible bullet form.
  • New Haven firefighters: She found that there was not sufficient legal justification for overturning the decision of a lower court. Finding for the white firefighters would have required her to ignore the rule of law and be an "activist judge." Oh, the irony.
  • The wise Latina quote: Her quote started with "I would hope that a wise Latina..." Not "I know that a wise Latina..." Can anyone deny that a Hispanic woman is likely to have more direct experience with the kind of equal rights issues that often come before the courts than a white man? (I'm a white man, and I get that.) She's simply expressing a hope that those direct experiences would make her a better judge than someone lacking those experiences, "more often than not." Don't we all hope that our experiences will help us make better decisions, more often than not? Here's another line from the same speech that her critics never quote, "I can and do aspire to be greater than the sum total of my experiences, but I accept my limitations." And here's a quote from the wise white male Justice Alito, "When I get a case about discrimination, I have to think about people in my own family who suffered discrimination because of their ethnic background or because of religion or because of gender. And I do take that into account." Hmm.
  • Empathy: Not all legal cases are black and white logic puzzles. Often there are gray areas that demand a judgment call. That's why they're called judges. Because legal decisions can have a profound impact on people's lives, many people (myself, BHO and anyone who has ever been dragged into court) prefer that those decisions are being made by a human being rather than a Vulcan. George Lakoff wrote a fascinating blog posting about the real strategy behind this attack on empathy. It's eye-opening.
Sotomayor's record shows her to be a highly accomplished, mainstream judge who has consistently demonstrated a deep understanding and respect for the rule of law. Radical conservatives know Sotomayor is going to be confirmed. As Lakoff points out, there's another agenda behind these attacks.

Sorry about the political essay. To compensate, I'll be devoting the rest of the week to juvenile sex jokes.

Here's a new feature -- see the comment below for the script of this episode. Use it to act out this episode with a friend.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Orgy Riot

Here's another interesting news item. I thought nudist colonies were supposed to be wholesome family retreats where people could enjoy a more natural communion with nature. I guess things are a little looser at The White Cockatoo.

I originally had a post about Sotomayor scheduled for today, but there were problems with the clip on YouTube. Look for that tomorrow.

Any Australian viewers want to clue us in on the meaning of "argy-bargy"? Is that really a common expression down there? If so, I'd like to popularize its use here in the civilized parts of the world.

Anyone else suspicious of Lily's knowledge of the location of the White Cockatoo? And is the White Cockatoo supposed to be a euphemism? I'd like to hear from someone from the resort. I'll try to send them an email and see if they respond.

UPDATE: One of the owners of The White Cockatoo responded. See the comment below. Since I exploited his business for my little comedy blog, I think it's only fair that I let him post all the resort contact info. But it shouldn't be construed an endorsement on my part -- I've never been there, and I'm not likely to go until my personal economy fully recovers (and I get a new wife who's a LOT less conservative). However, should a resort owner want to sponsor a visit by world-renowned blogger by covering my airfare, lodging and incidentals, I might be open to that. As a blogger, I'm not expected to avoid conflicts of interest the way actual reporters are, am I?