Friday, May 29, 2009

Farty Pants

Here's another idea sent to me by my BFFWINMIRL, Jennifer Rice. (Best Friend Forever Whom I've Never Met In Real Life - duh) I'm pretty sure she's not this Jennifer Rice. Thanks, Jenn. I hope the clip meets your expectations.

Here's a photo of this exciting new product. Quite attractive!

This clip references two other episodes: Taco Bell Wedding and Mormon Crickets. I hope you appreciate me giving you the hot links. I still can't type html code without looking down at the keyboard. I can hear all the nerds snickering at me. Go ahead and laugh - I had a date to prom.

Sorry about taking another swipe at the Mormons. I tried to resist but I succumbed to temptation. I'm a bad man.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Twenty Dollar Coin

Here's another news item that caught my eye. I didn't really know where this was going to go when I started writing it - sometimes I enjoy those more than the ones that are all planned out.

Along with the fanny packs suggested by Lily, here's another improvement for strippers: replace those dangerous lucite heels with Crocs.

Here's another Deadpan Inc. challenge. I've challenged you in the past, to come up with double-amputee punchlines and to put music to my lyrics about fighting a blind man, but now I'm asking you to challenge me.

I just mentioned that I like clips that start on one topic and end up somewhere else. So I'm asking you to give me two unrelated topics, a starting point and an ending point, to see if I can write an episode that links the two. Make it as hard for me as you can and leave to me to pull off a smooth transition. Leave your suggestion in the comments, and if I get a good one I'll try to turn it into a special episode. Go ahead, bring it on!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Record Setters

Here's another post on the subject of world records. I wish I could hold a world record in something so I could rise above this pathetic, meaningless existence.

Brad could try to best this Utah kid's record for having the most snails on his face. He got 43 on.

I'm going to call foul on this one because, like peppers in the eyes and scorpions in your mouth, it's not "a thing" as in "Is that a thing?" (A thing that people do apart from trying to set a record.) If anything can be the basis of a record, I just set the record for the most rubber bands on my left ear. (I almost said another body part, but that sounded a little too perverse. And I suspect that putting rubber bands there might actually be "a thing.") I just had three handy, so it might not hold up very long, but dammit I'm a record holder.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Urinary Rights

Welcome back from the long weekend. (Assuming you live in the U.S.) Please feel free to ease back into the work week with this humorous video.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Conversation Stoppers

Today's episode is based on a post by Gretchen Rubin at The Happiness Project.

I usually like reading Gretchen's posts, but this one stung a bit. I'm afaid I've been guilty of boring people with all of these topics at one time or another.

I do like most of Gretchen's Twelve Commandments, but isn't it a little uppity to come up with two more than God? And the first one seems impossible. Try as I can, I'm not going to ever "be Gretchen." Maybe I'd be better off just trying to be myself.

Hey, Facebookers. There's a quite timely exclusive clip over on the Deadpan Inc. fan page. If you're not yet a fan on Facebook, here's your chance to be one of the cool kids.

And another thing. If you're reading this on a news feeder reader (I believe that's the technical term), you're not seeing the very important poll that's running on the right side of the page. Might I suggest that you please take a moment and click over to participate in this vital survey. Thank you.

Brad and Lily will have the day off on Monday. See you on Tuesday.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Cow Pee Pop

That's fun to say. Say it out loud with me. Cow pee pop. Say it again, three times fast. Cow pee pop, cow pee pop, cow pee pop. Now to the tune of the William Tell Overture. Cow pee pop, cow pee pop, cow pee pop pop pop. Uh oh, people are staring at you.

Hey, I think I may have hit on a way to monetize this blog. The product de-placement. That's where companies will pay me to not say bad things about their product. I get paid a fee every day I don't feature their crap. I think I'm on to something here.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

King of Beers

This episode was inspired by the Budweiser radio commercials current running on my favorite station. Are they telling the truth? It's a little hard for me to believe.

By the way, as I've mentioned here before, if any corporation wants to sponsor this humble blog, I will happily change my opinion of their product. It's important to remain flexible during a recession. Bend but don't break.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Miss California Miss

Sometimes Brad and Lily say really stupid things. But in this case, Brad's opinion exactly mirrors my own. I realize I'm a few weeks late with this. Sorry.

I don't really have anything new to add to the discussion. I'd just reiterate that her statement that she's proud to live in a land where people can choose same-sex or "opposite" marriage shows her to be an idiot. In most states there is no such choice. And she's not "proud" at all. She's actively working for groups committed to restricting marriage rights. If you're really proud to live in a free country, you support freedom, even when you have trouble stomaching some aspects of a free society. You don't advocate laws and amendments that restrict rights.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Hubble Repairs II

This is my second episode about Hubble repairs -- the first was back in 2008. You can find it in the archive if you're curious. I really do wonder how they could possibly take a part up there and then discover that it doesn't fit during a space walk. That's astounding to me.

Are you happy I'm back to news items after a week of bad movie ideas? Here's a cool photo of the repairs.

I think it would be hard to concentrate on repairs with a view like that. I think Mike Massimino would agree. Mike is one of two astronauts twittering from orbit. Is it just me, or does Mike's Twitter background look better suited to Astronaut Barbie?

Friday, May 15, 2009

Movie Madness: Eros, Avenger of the Night

The conclusion of Movie Madness week, Brad's last movie idea for a while. Back to odd news items next week. Have a great weekend. Have you seen Star Trek yet? Me neither. I'm waiting until I can stream it to my iPhone -- after I get an iPhone.

I had an idea for opening lines to this one that I forgot to use, so I'll just toss them in here.

BRAD: Guess what I was thinking about while showering this morning.
LILY: Ann Curry naked?
BRAD: No, another great idea for a movie...

For those of you who may not recognize the name, she is the very nice news lady who appears every morning on NBC's Today show. Actually, she could have triggered this idea in Brad, and not because she has a horse face. (She doesn't. In fact, they carefully limit her screen time to avoid making men late for work.)

The movie idea expressed in the video is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. I could see Kevin Smith actually wanting to make this movie. Call me Kev.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Movie Madness: Sudoku Master

Okay, so maybe Brad's ideas so far this week haven't been so great. But I think he has a winner with this one.

The movie concept described in this clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. I like the non-judgmental way that even the script for Fast and Furious 4 can be described as "intellectual" property. That's nice.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Movie Madness: A Flash of Danger

Continuing Movie Madness week, Brad has yet another winning movie idea. Don't worry, odd news coverage will be back next week.

The film concept expressed in the clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. Producers should contact Mr. Stratton directly with offers. ScarJo should do likewise.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Movie Madness: The Littlest Bride

I'm a little worried I'm going to get in trouble for this one. I think you could be arrested for just imagining this movie. The FBI are going to break down my door any minute now. I hope they'll let me post from prison.

The movie concept in this clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. Don't even think of ripping this off, Spielberg.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Movie Madness: Conviction

With summer movie season getting underway, I thought I'd devote a week to Brad's great ideas for screenplays. Actually, I'm just giving myself a little break from the normal odd news item format. I hope you like it. If not, don't worry, I'll be back to bizarre news tidbits next week.

In hindsight, this idea wasn't so much worse than that movie where they uglied up Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci (Monster), but I don't think that one was pitched as a romance with a happy ending.

The movie concept in this clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. I feel I have so say that because no matter how bad the idea, some producer is going to think, "I could make that work."

Friday, May 8, 2009

Mormon Crickets

Finishing the week strong. I think you'll like this one, unless you are a Mormon. Then you might not. But please don't be angry. I'm just kidding. Lighten up! Don't make an overwrought commercial about the "gathering storm" of Deadpan Inc. I'm not worth it. Concentrate on your commendable mission work feeding the poor and healing the sick.

Here's a picture of a Mormon cricket for your reference. Look at the thighs on that sucker.

Have a good weekend everyone. See you on Monday.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Robot Rebellion

With so many manufacturers going bankrupt, we'll soon have to start worrying not just about the unemployed humans, but all of the unemployed robots. While an unemployed human is likely to turn his hatred inward and sink into depression, unemployed robots could quickly become soulless killing machines.

Below is a picture of REM lead singer, Michael Stipe, for your reference. I don't really have anything against him. I'm actually a fan.

Did you know that Michael Stipe is a Facebook fan of Deadpan Inc.? How could you? He's not. But he could be. There's nothing stopping him. And there's nothing stopping you. See that Facebook logo to the right? Just click it, then click the "Become a Fan" link. That's how you can be as cool as Michael Stipe, if Michael Stipe was a Facebook fan of DI. And no, I'm not doing SEO on the search term "Michael Stipe." Why would you think that?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

On Matters Penile

I'd like to think that this blog is a place sophisticated thinkers can go to enjoy smart, biting social satire. But sometimes items in the news just lead me to dick jokes. I'm sorry.

This episode probably didn't help my cause of keeping companies from blocking employee access to my site. Oh well.

Let me go on record as being the trademark holder of both the Sudoku Tramp Stamp and the TaintTat ID. I may have a future in tattoo innovation.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Alpine Nudism

Thanks for alerting me to this story must go to my secret lover, Jennifer Rice. Oops! Not so secret any more.

Of course, that comment about Jenn was obviously just a joke. We've never met offline, and I'm clearly out of her league. I hope she doesn't hate me now. Check out the work she does creating corporate social opportunity at

I like the ending of this clip, but I wouldn't be surprised if most people don't. It's not really a punch line. But I still like the way he sets her up to ask an obvious question and then tries to make her feel stupid for asking it. They say that if you have to explain a joke, it isn't funny. They might be right about that. I'll give them that. They usually don't know what they're talking about.

Sorry, no picture of nude hikers to go with this episode. Got to keep things SFW. But I've heard that some companies are blocking my site. That's an outrage! If you can't watch Deadpan Inc. at your place of work, you need to complain, and complain hard. Threaten to quit. You'll find another job. And when you do, make access to DI a condition of employment. Fight for your rights!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Meat Business Cards

No, we're not talking about regular business cards used by people in the meat industry. We're talking about very special business cards here.

If you'd like to look into getting your own meat business cards, or leave them a comment about how disgusting they are, you will find them here. A photo from the site is below. But something seems fishy. If they used a laser to sear the text into the meat, wouldn't the letters be black? Why is the type in yellow? Hmm.

Friday, May 1, 2009


An innovation consulting firm that I follow on Twitter tweeted the Henry Ford quote that inspired this article. My opinion of it is the same as my opinion about most homilies. They are all both true and untrue. For nearly every proverb, you can find another proverb with the opposite meaning. Which one is true? Life is too complex for any of these sayings to be true in every situation.

There was a fascinating movie made about this subject titled 13 Conversations About One Thing. I highly recommend it. It gets rather grim, but there is an incident at the end that is so hopeful it moved me to tears. If you enjoy thought-provoking movies, do check it out.

I haven't read it yet (it's on my list), but I understand Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell has some interesting thoughts on the subject of luck and success.

Anyone have examples of contradictory proverbs? I'll start. Haste makes waste. He who hesitates is lost. Which is it?