The Christmas Sweater

In the interest of full disclosure, I haven't read Glen Beck's maudlin autobiographical novel. And like virtually every other person on Earth, I didn't attend his live-beamed-to-movie-theaters dramatization of it. I gleaned all I needed from an online transcript of an interview he gave Don Imus.



The thing that really pissed me off about The Christmas Sweater is how he tried to turn it into a live-beamed-to-theaters event. I think the live-beamed-to-theaters medium offers a lot of potential, but using it for something as lame as TCS can't be good for future productions. It's like if the first rock band ever recorded was Boston, would the Beatles ever get a recording contract?

In closing, Glen Beck is an evil, disingenuous ass-clown pandering to a weak-minded, easily-manipulated, xenophobic audience.

Lucid Dreaming IV

The Lucid Dreaming series of last year was popular, so here's another installment. If you'd like to check out the others in this series, go to Lucid Dreaming, Lucid Dreaming II and Lucid Dreaming III. Enjoy.



And just for easy reference, here are some pictures of Rihanna. She looks nice.

Choose Your Apocalypse

I can go either way on this issue. It's a tough call.



If you're wondering about the eyelash treatment Brad mentions, you can check it out here. The site is full of warnings about being careful where you apply the stuff or else eyelashes will grow where you don't want them. I wouldn't want that anywhere near my eyes. I'd be worried some would get under my eyelid and then eyelashes would grow inside there and I'd walk around always feeling like I had an eyelash in my eye. That's the stuff of nightmares.

Of course, I have long, lush eyelashes, more so than any man needs or deserves, so it's hard for me to imagine the desperation of an eyelash-deprived woman. Maybe this is exactly where medical research dollars should be going. Never mind those unprofitable rare diseases that don't have a celebrity spokesmodel.

Epileptic Gender Confusion

This story made me think of that Shania Twain song "I Feel Like a Woman." How does she normally feel? Is she playing "The Crying Game" with us?



BTW -- if you've never seen the movie "The Crying Game" and want to IMDB it because you don't get the reference, be wary of a pretty big spoiler.

Fake Moon Landing

How can we believe the government about this? After all, wasn't Nixon in office then?



I've said this before, but I doubt conspiracy theories based on video evidence alone when there should be plenty of eyewitnesses. Large groups of people just can't keep secrets that well.

Take the supposed "controlled demolition" of World Trade Center 7. There's plenty of evidence that debunks that conspiracy theory online, so I won't go into it here. But the thing that made me doubt it was lack of any eyewitnesses to the planting of the explosives. There are a lot of people in a 50-story Manhattan office building. If you've ever seen how those demolition crews work, you know they don't just plant a few charges. They plant dozens of charges all through the building. If I was one of the office workers in WTC 7, I would have noticed guys planting dynamite and running detonation wires all over the place. I get engrossed in my work, but I think I would have noticed that. "Dude, what's up with all the dynamite? Did I miss a memo?"

Porn 101

If they show films in this class, I would guess it might make for some embarrassment in the passing period to the next class. A lot of guys walking across the quad holding their backpacks in front of their pants.



This episode allowed me to flaunt my film-geek knowledge. I actually use cinematic semiotics in the construction of these clips. For example, if I want Brad to appear weak, I use the shot from behind Lily that makes her look like she's towering over him. And yes, Mr. Weinstein, I am available to direct features.

Hey, check out my cool new desktop image that I illegally downloaded from the site of the amazing Mark Ryden. I hope Mark is cool with that. Maybe if he sells a painting from this plug he'll let it slide. BTW -- this paragraph is a complete non sequitor. I don't mean to imply any connection between Mark's work and porn. Seriously, Mark's work is brilliant -- porn is not.

This isn't even one of my favorite paintings. But it was one of the few on his site that offered a hi-res version that could kinda work as a desktop image. (This is the low-res.) It's still a bit blurry on my desktop, but I like it.

The script is in the comments.

Conversation Stoppers

Today's episode is based on a post by Gretchen Rubin at The Happiness Project.



I usually like reading Gretchen's posts, but this one stung a bit. I'm afaid I've been guilty of boring people with all of these topics at one time or another.

I do like most of Gretchen's Twelve Commandments, but isn't it a little uppity to come up with two more than God? And the first one seems impossible. Try as I can, I'm not going to ever "be Gretchen." Maybe I'd be better off just trying to be myself.

Hey, Facebookers. There's a quite timely exclusive clip over on the Deadpan Inc. fan page. If you're not yet a fan on Facebook, here's your chance to be one of the cool kids.

And another thing. If you're reading this on a news feeder reader (I believe that's the technical term), you're not seeing the very important poll that's running on the right side of the page. Might I suggest that you please take a moment and click over to participate in this vital survey. Thank you.

Brad and Lily will have the day off on Monday. See you on Tuesday.

Movie Madness: Eros, Avenger of the Night

The conclusion of Movie Madness week, Brad's last movie idea for a while. Back to odd news items next week. Have a great weekend. Have you seen Star Trek yet? Me neither. I'm waiting until I can stream it to my iPhone -- after I get an iPhone.



I had an idea for opening lines to this one that I forgot to use, so I'll just toss them in here.

BRAD: Guess what I was thinking about while showering this morning.
LILY: Ann Curry naked?
BRAD: No, another great idea for a movie...

For those of you who may not recognize the name, she is the very nice news lady who appears every morning on NBC's Today show. Actually, she could have triggered this idea in Brad, and not because she has a horse face. (She doesn't. In fact, they carefully limit her screen time to avoid making men late for work.)

The movie idea expressed in the video is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. I could see Kevin Smith actually wanting to make this movie. Call me Kev.

Movie Madness: Sudoku Master

Okay, so maybe Brad's ideas so far this week haven't been so great. But I think he has a winner with this one.



The movie concept described in this clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. I like the non-judgmental way that even the script for Fast and Furious 4 can be described as "intellectual" property. That's nice.

Movie Madness: A Flash of Danger

Continuing Movie Madness week, Brad has yet another winning movie idea. Don't worry, odd news coverage will be back next week.



The film concept expressed in the clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. Producers should contact Mr. Stratton directly with offers. ScarJo should do likewise.

Movie Madness: The Littlest Bride

I'm a little worried I'm going to get in trouble for this one. I think you could be arrested for just imagining this movie. The FBI are going to break down my door any minute now. I hope they'll let me post from prison.



The movie concept in this clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. Don't even think of ripping this off, Spielberg.

Movie Madness: Conviction

With summer movie season getting underway, I thought I'd devote a week to Brad's great ideas for screenplays. Actually, I'm just giving myself a little break from the normal odd news item format. I hope you like it. If not, don't worry, I'll be back to bizarre news tidbits next week.



In hindsight, this idea wasn't so much worse than that movie where they uglied up Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci (Monster), but I don't think that one was pitched as a romance with a happy ending.

The movie concept in this clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. I feel I have so say that because no matter how bad the idea, some producer is going to think, "I could make that work."

100th Episode -- Laser Love

You'd think I would have a more "special" clip to mark the 100th episode milestone. Actually, I did create a very special clip -- a moving farewell video that ended with Brad and Lily saying farewell and dissolving to white, like the death scenes that opened every Six Feet Under. I'll hold on to that one for a little while. So I had to throw together a replacement quickly, but I think it came out okay.



On the occasion of this milestone episode, I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who has let me know they are enjoying my semi-funny films. It is very gratifying to hear from you. It's fun to check my site stats and see that I've had thousands of visitors from 47 different countries, but it's always nice to hear from people who come here on purpose (vs. those who stumble on the site searching for a picture of Oprah's fat wagon).

One of the people who has been encouraging me to keep this going is Erik Marcus, the publisher of Vegan.com. I'm not a vegan, but if you're interested in pursuing that lifestyle, Vegan.com seems like a good place to start. Apparently they eat a lot more than beans, tofu and nuts. The pictures that accompany the recipes look mighty tasty. Erik has been kind enough to post links to DI episodes that would amuse vegans (most notably Brain Worms), and I appreciate his support.

Who's Watching the Watchmen?

I don't have a lot of time to work on Deadpan Inc. this week, so commentary will be brief. Hopefully you'll find the clips as funny as ever.



I'd be willing to bet that any guy sitting through Confessions of a Shopaholic this past weekend is not the boss in his relationship. Not that the guy should be...I'm just sayin'...those guys clearly are not.

The Blue Pill

This episode is based on a true news item you can read about here. Apparently, how it works is, you take the drug, revoke the bad memory, and then it's gone. It's supposed to be good for victims of PTSD. But what happens if you accidentally think about where you parked you car?



Are there any memories I'd like to erase? I'd start with the 2007 Super Bowl. One advantage of this pill would be you'd always have an excuse if you forgot your anniversary. "I'm sorry, dear, but I must have remembered our beautiful wedding day while under the influence of that drug. You can't blame me for that."

The Robot Head of Holly Hunter

I once created a trade show exhibit that featured the robot talking head of Sherlock Holmes. The guy who synchronized the robot's mouth to the soundtrack was amazing. It wasn't automatic like this technology is. He punched a keyboard along with the soundtrack in real time, like playing a musical instrument. I guess it was like advanced puppeteering, but it was still impressive. But I digress.



Here's the choice presented in the episode. Which would you choose?



Actually, I don't think I'd want either robot head sitting on my desk. It wouldn't take long before I developed an unhealthy Tom Hanks/Wilson volleyball relationship.

Second day in a row that celebrities have been featured prominently. Maybe that's how Deadpan Inc. will really take off. The celebrity will Google him/herself, find the episode about him/her, and then go on Letterman and tell Dave all about Deadpan Inc. I can dream. The ball's in your court, Holly.

Martha My Dear

Like many episodes, this one started on a mundane news item about Martha Washington and ended up somewhere unexpected -- even for me. I'm not even sure I "write" these things. It's more like "channeling."



Tell me you don't flash back to Mad About You when you see these two together.

Teleportation Milestone

Think teleportation is just a cheesy special effect on Star Trek? Well, get ready to have your mind totally blown.



I must note that some of the script of this episode was lifted verbatim from this article posted on LiveScience. I thought about rewriting the information to avoid the plagiarism issue, but my head started to hurt. It was a lot easier to just quote and give them credit. Don't ask me what any of that means.

While looking for a still from the classic movie "The Fly" I found that David Cronenberg directed an opera version of his 1986 film version. It opened in Paris and played in L.A. last year. Music is by Howard Shore (Lord of the Rings) and the libretto is by David Henry Hwang (M. Butterfly). I'm not an opera fan, but this sounds pretty cool. Anyone see it?

Nine-Year-Old Author

Believers in the American Dream say that if you work hard, follow your dream and keep a positive attitude, success will come to you. Or you can be a nine-year-old whose classroom writing project gets shown to a highly imaginative agent. Good for him. He deserves every dime of that movie deal. He earned it, didn't he? I'm not bitter.



I'd better stop typing now before I go off on a long, ugly rant about ageism in the advertising and new media industries. They'd all hire nine-year-olds and pay them in candy if the labor laws allowed it. See you Monday.

Hey, almost forgot...today is the last day to submit your version of Blind Man to the musician challenge. All submitted songs will be posted in a special weekend edition tomorrow. Check it out. And if you haven't submitted your version yet, get going. You still have this evening to blow us away.

Terminator: Salvation

I can't believe I'm the only one who has ever had the following thought about the Terminator movies, but I've never heard it anywhere else.



In spite of the flawed logic, I'll still probably go see this movie. The trailer looks very cool. I might have a little trouble getting past Batman as John Connor, though.

Hey, if you're a musician and you missed yesterday's episode, be sure to check it out. I've issued a songwriters' challenge to put music to lyrics I've written. All (and I do mean all) submitted songs will be published in a special weekend posting on January 24. The first entry has already arrived.