Monday, October 25, 2010

Something New

I have a new blog! If you like Deadpan Inc. and can also read, you might enjoy The Continuing Adventures of Sheldon Ashbury. Check it out, and if you enjoy it, tell all your friends on MySpace.

Here's another largely unseen episode from the archives, but don't forget to visit the new blog!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Republican Logic

This isn't new, but looking through my stats I noticed most of you missed this episode. So with election day coming soon, I thought it would be a good time to re-post it. Enjoy.

Seriously, when has the risk of slipping into a higher tax bracket ever kept anyone from trying to get rich? Certainly didn't under Reagan when the top tax rate was 50%, or under Nixon when it was 70%, or under Eisenhower when it was 91%. Ask any tea party person if we were better off in the 50's, and I'll bet they'd say "You betcha!"

If the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy expire, the top rate jumps from 35% all the way up to 39.5%. At that rate, I guess the wealthy will say, "Screw it, why even try?"

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Stupid Edison

Boy, it's been awhile since my last post. Busy, busy, busy. I'm not sure if the following is all that funny, but it is something that really bugs me. Wires on poles. In the 21st Century? Seriously?

Every few years my electric company, ComEd, comes down our street with crews to trim the trees under the electric lines, carving them into Y shapes to make room for the wires. It looks ridiculous. And the branches still knock down the wires when it storms. How can we force them to invest in a more reliable, less visually-polluting, infrastructure?

Am I starting to sound a little like Andy Rooney? I am not a curmudgeon. I'm not.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Foreign Accent Syndrome

Yeah, I know, it's been a while. But I've been really, really busy. New episodes of Breaking Bad are airing!

This was a half-baked idea I had bouncing around in my head for a long time and kind of forgot about it, and then I saw the story of the British woman suddenly talking with a Chinese accent and it came back to me. Enjoy.

Update: I found video of the lady in the news story. She's not talking in a Chinese accent any more; now it's sort of generic European.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Touchless Soap Dispenser

This seems to be a totally different subject, but it could be considered a sequel to last week's health care reform episode, which for some reason is getting 10x the normal number of YouTube views.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a socialist, at least not all the time. Free-market capitalism is great for some things. If it weren't for free-market capitalism, we'd all still be toting around Commodore SX64s. Here's what that looks like:

I used to use a box like that to program multimedia shows. (I'm really old.) That open bay is for a second $400 170 KB floppy drive, which was handy for making back-up floppies. But I digress.

I'm glad capitalism drives so much innovation and creativity, most of the time. But when it comes to my health insurance, I'm not sure a corporate entity whose primary objective is maximizing ROI for the investment community has my best interests at heart. There it seems all the innovation and creativity goes into finding new ways to screw us.

Here's one of those nifty soap dispensers. Only thirty bucks (batteries not included). Note the handy built-in tray for catching the inevitable dribbles due to lack of hand/motion-sensor coordination.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Health Care Reform Puppy

I'm just going to throw this out there and see what people think. I have a feeling it might be a little divisive. Please feel free to leave a comment--just try to avoid the worst obscenities and death threats. There are kids here.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Fattest Woman

I started writing this about the woman who wants to eat her way over to over a thousand pounds, and I was going to have them talk about the consequences for her if she fails, the function for society that "the fattest man" and the "the fattest woman" serve in helping us feel better about our not-so-fat-after-all bodies, and what not. But then the idea took an entirely different turn for the better, I think. Enjoy.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Shaving Accident

Here's another news item from Florida. I'm actually in Florida as I write this, working with some local guys that in no way live up to the stereotype set by some of the stories I've covered previously.

Please allow me this blatant bit of content-relevant SEO: pussy shaving. I feel more than a little dirty doing that, but you know it's going to boost my page views.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Take Your Child to Work

Haven't heard anything in the news lately that has inspired me, until this story came along. Not that there hasn't been idiocy in the news. Repubs trying to make a simple application of a Senate rule sound like an unnatural sex act. Making bills passed by both houses match up so they can get a simple majority vote and become law??!! Reconciliation??!! Our legislative branch actually making laws??!! OMG!!!

Sorry. Enjoy this fine episode.

Just a few more things about health insurance reform. First, it's not health care reform, it's health insurance reform. And second, don't show me polls that say most people don't want this reform. Other polls show most people want everything that's in this reform. There's a reason our founding fathers didn't set up our laws to be made by public referendum. Sometimes the public wets itself and says stupid shit to manipulative poll takers.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lap Dances for Haiti

I actually respect these people for trying to help out.

All kinds of corporations (oil companies, tobacco companies, etc.) try to burnish their images by giving to charity. Why shouldn't a strip club? I guess they have been trying to do something like this for years, but no charity wanted to be associated with them. But in this case, the International Services for Hope charity welcomed their money.

This gives me a good chance to mention that even though it's not it the news that much anymore, they still need our help in Haiti. I'm pretty sure you can still text HAITI to 90999 to contribute $10 to the Red Cross. It's cheaper, and actually makes you feel better, than a lap dance.

I love how the YouTube thumbnail caught Brad in the act of making air quotes.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Lotion Bandit

This episode practically wrote itself. It's one of those cases where the true story is funny enough that you don't have to do much more than just tell it. Enjoy.

I do really wonder what this guy was thinking. Was he planning on renting one of those kiosks and setting up his own business there at the mall, where he could just wander over to Bath & Body Works whenever he needed to replenish his stock? If so, you have to admire the creative entrepreneurial thinking of the guy.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The "My Way" Murders

Hard-core karaoke in the Philippines.

From what I can gather from my research (the New York Times article I read) here are the factors that contributed to this social phenomenon:

1. There are about a million illegal guns in the Philippines.
2. For economic reasons, many Filipino wives have to work out of the country as maids in wealthier countries, leaving a lot of lonely guys at home with nothing to do but go out to the karaoke bars.
3. The country is crazy for karaoke--you can't go to a public gathering without someone breaking out the karaoke machine.
4. There are strict rules for karaoke there (you must not laugh while someone is singing, you must not sing a song already sung by someone else), and breaking the rules can start a fight.
5. Singing "My Way" makes you look like an arrogant ass.

So there, you learned something today. You're welcome.

As a special treat, here's a great version of "My Way" by the original artist.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, da Vinci

Leanardo da Vinci invented some kick-ass military weapons. He also might have been gay.

Here's that painting they found that could be the R-rated version of the Mona Lisa. Should I have marked this post NSFW? Oh well, deal with it.

I'll bet that if da Vinci did paint his face on a woman's body, his contemporaries would have thought it was just a goof, like when Milton Berle wore a dress on TV in the fifties. They would crack up if they saw it being treated as serious art.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Banned Dictionaries

I must thank Facebook fan Leigh Erskine (if that is his real name) for suggesting the topic of this episode. Leigh, feel free to reward yourself with a snazzy (and quite reasonably priced) Deadpan Inc. hoodie in the swag store. You deserve it!

I think the funniest part of this story is the "sexually graphic" entry that bothered these school officials was "oral stimulation of the genitals." Not nearly as descriptive as it could be, and not really all that helpful. I would think that if kids need to look up "oral sex," it's the "oral" part of the phrase that's tripping them up. They probably already know "sex" has something to do with the naughty bits.

Sure, I guess the kids could stumble on the definition while looking up "oracle" or "orange." With that in mind, teachers should probably avoid using "cunning" as a vocabulary word.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The All-American Basketball Alliance

An all-white basketball league. Seriously?

The guy who wants to start this league, Don "Moose" Lewis, uses the example Gilbert Arenas' suspension for pulling a gun in the locker room as an example of the problem with "street basketball." I'm going to go out on a limb and assume Moose is a staunch supporter of stricter gun control legislation.

Got to give props to Lily for her basketball knowledge. Here's a picture of Luc Longley, a member of the first legendary Bulls "three-peat" championship team, sitting next to an unidentified player. These are the kind of guys Moose doesn't want to see on the court. Good luck with that, Moose.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Full Body Scans

I'm with Brad on this one. I'm much more concerned about the government tapping my phone and tracking my web surfing than I am about some bored TSA employee taking a peek inside my Haynes boxer-briefs. (To my lady-friends, regarding that mental're welcome.)

This script could have gone on for several more minutes. I'll post the additional script at the fanpage on Facebook. There's a link to the right, if you'd like to go there. But if you do go there, you have to click "Become a Fan." It's the only way to protect your identity from the Nigerian scammers who administer my page. See you there.

Oh, and here's a picture of Kelly Ripa for those who don't know who Brad is talking about. She looks nice. (She's the one on the right.) Don't make eye contact with the cat--it'll steal your soul.

Wow, I never noticed those guns before. Do they test for 'roids at ABC? I'm not really a big fan--though she is a cutey--I just thought she'd be a quirky choice for Brad.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Sponge Painting

The New Year's Eve event is creating complications.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Father and Son Reunion

Am I the only one making this connection?

Monday, January 4, 2010

Dirty Tricks

Yet another celebrity divorce was reported last week. Sad. If this guy can't make a marriage work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Just to be clear, I couldn't care less if he is gay and is finally discarding his beard to pursue his forbidden love. Good for him. But I'm disgusted by the hypocrisy of gay Republicans who fight gay marriage and demonize gay people just win elections. (And there are more than just a few of them.) And--legal disclaimer here--I have no evidence or opinion about Mr. Rove's sexual proclivities. Any implications here are purely rhetorical musings and not expressions of fact.

If you're curious, here is the article that caught Lily's eye. It was by The Frisky, but actually posted on

If you missed last week's New Year's Surprise II episode, you might want to check it out. Era especial.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year's Surprise II

Last New Year's Day episode was done in French because it just felt right for the situation. I'm not sure if that went over well, but I thought I'd try to come up with a suitable sequel anyway. This time, I went with the style of a telenovela mexicana. Enjoy.

As with last year's, I created this under the not-insignificant handicap of not speaking the language. I used an online translation program, so this could be a really bad translation--or a really awesome replication of telenovela dialog. Hopefully someone who speaks Spanish will let me know if I came close.

Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 treats us all a little better than 2009 did.