Thursday, July 30, 2009

Rose Garden Beer Bash

Yeah, I know, every comedian in the country is doing something with this story, but I couldn't resist.

Speaking of Schlitz Malt Liquor, check out this cool commercial I found. (And by "cool" I mean hilariously/disturbingly inappropriate.)

Monday, July 27, 2009

Intelligent Design

I think creationists started realizing the whole magical appearance of Adam and Eve was a tough story for modern people to swallow, so they came up with this idea of "intelligent design" to counter evolution theory. Nice try.

They should just be honest and say they don't believe in any science at all because science demands rational causality and since everything magically comes from God, anything God wants to happen anytime, anywhere, can magically happen. So why even bother with science?

Of course, most religious people don't go that far. Most are perfectly comfortable using science to do something like design a bridge. They don't leave it to faith that the Lord will allow it to support the weight of traffic without employing science to design a stable structure. (At least I hope so.) But it's curious to me how people draw that line. "I trust science for pasteurizing my milk, but for telling me I share ancestors with apes, no way!" What's the criteria?

Friday, July 24, 2009


In this episode, Brad calls out a Cambridge police sergeant for a pussy move. I hope none of the police in my town see this. Did I mention that I live in Billings, Montana? I'm never anywhere near the state of Illinois, so don't bother looking for me there.

Before you start writing a comment in furious defense of police officers everywhere, let me just say that I have the utmost respect and admiration for these people that do a tough, often thankless, heroic job. But it's also clear that too many people in positions of authority (cops, judges, teachers, customer service reps at Best Buy, etc.) let their personal feelings about a person influence their treatment of that person. If you're pulled over for speeding, are you more or less likely to get a ticket if you call the officer a dickweed*? Should you? What does calling him a dickweed have to do with how fast you were going? The good ones at least try to remain professional and not let their personal feelings affect how they enforce the law.

Sgt. Crowley could have said, "I was insulted by what Prof. Gates was saying to me, which may have led me to make an arrest that wasn't really necessary, and for that I apologize." But instead, he dug in his heels and insisted he did nothing wrong, so that makes him a dickweed. (And a pussy for not having a thicker skin in the first place.)

By the way, I've decided to change my approach to this blog. Up until now, I have been dutifully turning out five a week in a effort to suck you into a DI habit. Now that there's a good body of work here, and I have other distractions (like nice weather outside), I've decided to only post a clip when I have something I really want to say. That means the frequency may drop as low as once a week. There will probably be less stupid, pointless jokes, unless I come up with one that's really funny. I hope those of you who have made visiting this little Internet attraction a regular part of your day aren't too disappointed, and you'll continue to watch for new episodes and share them with your friends. You're the best.

*The dickweed is an actual plant. It's one of those words that sounds dirty but isn't really.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Life Sentence for Music Theft

I wonder if this guy is fully aware that he's doing life for something millions of teenagers do every day. Ha ha, scumbag idiot.

Heh, heh -- she said "penal." Sorry, just a little Beavus and Butthead flashback there.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Fake Moon Landing

How can we believe the government about this? After all, wasn't Nixon in office then?

I've said this before, but I doubt conspiracy theories based on video evidence alone when there should be plenty of eyewitnesses. Large groups of people just can't keep secrets that well.

Take the supposed "controlled demolition" of World Trade Center 7. There's plenty of evidence that debunks that conspiracy theory online, so I won't go into it here. But the thing that made me doubt it was lack of any eyewitnesses to the planting of the explosives. There are a lot of people in a 50-story Manhattan office building. If you've ever seen how those demolition crews work, you know they don't just plant a few charges. They plant dozens of charges all through the building. If I was one of the office workers in WTC 7, I would have noticed guys planting dynamite and running detonation wires all over the place. I get engrossed in my work, but I think I would have noticed that. "Dude, what's up with all the dynamite? Did I miss a memo?"

Friday, July 17, 2009

Porn Star Groom, Cavalia and Bike Rack Etiquette

Here's an episode just for those of you suffering from ADHD. Three half-baked ideas jammed into one half-assed episode.

Smooth transitions are highly overrated. I thought this was going to be lame, but I actually laughed harder at the playback than I have in a long time. I have no idea why.

An extended script for the Cavalia section can be found at the fan page on Facebook. There's a link over to the right.

Speaking of fandom, have I mentioned lately that I'm a big fan of Dan Piraro, his comic Bizarro, and his blog, BizarroBlog? No? Well I am.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Microsoft Weather

Here's another episode that's not going to help me get a sponsorship from Microsoft.

The actual plan Bill's group is working on is to prevent hurricanes by lowering the surface temperature of the water in the Gulf of Mexico. They would have a huge flotilla of ships that would pump cold water from the bottom up to the surface.

Of course, he blatantly stole this idea from David Byrne of the Talking Heads, as expressed in these lyrics from "Once in a Lifetime," from the album Remain in Light.

"Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!"

Gates wants to fund this project by selling hurricane insurance. If he makes another gabillion dollars holding the gulf coast states hostage to the threat of hurricanes, I think David Byrne is entitled to a cut of the action.

As with the Double Arm Transplant episode, if you have another example of a quirk of Microsoft Weather, we'd like to see it in the comments.

By the way (BTW), after looking up those lyrics to make sure I remembered them correctly, I had to blast "The Great Curve" -- my favorite song ever. The world does move on a woman's hips.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Man's Bra

You'd think I would know Brad pretty well by now, but he still has the ability to surprise me.

Here's a picture of the bra for men offered by this Japanese company. Sexy! But I think this color might show through a white business shirt. Maybe that's the idea. I don't know. WTF!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Fins and Wings

Today's posting is about something that's been bugging me for a long time. The rear deck spoiler.

If you feel the urge to argue in favor of the rear deck spoiler, I offer these two photos into evidence. You tell me, which looks more bad-ass, the tail fins on the Caddy or the wing on the PT Cruiser? Both might be stupid, but the fins were way cooler. I rest my case.

That last line of the clip, I just had to throw in there. The phrase "The Greatest Generation" comes from a book by TV anchorman Tom Brokaw about the generation of Americans who grew up in the depression and fought in WWII. My parents were part of that generation, and not everything they did was so great. I haven't read his book, but I doubt Tom devoted many pages to their tacit acceptance of the racist norms of those times. It's shocking to me that there are still many people alive today who remember those "good old days" when "the colored" like Tiger Woods weren't allowed to play in PGA tournaments.

Just for the record, I refused to let my Saturn dealer put a spoiler on my Ion sedan. I've seen Gallardos with and without rear wings, and I much prefer without. Keep that in mind if you're thinking of buying me a Gallardo.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Elevator Erotica

Here's another SEO titled episode. It's amazing to me how much traffic I get from search engines when the episode title contains words like "porn" and "sex." Even more surprising is how much traffic I get from people looking for a picture of the Lamborghini Gallardo.

Since I missed a few days, I decided not to wait until Monday to post this -- hence the rare Saturday posting.

You might notice on the right, in my list of sites, there's a new blog. Do not be tempted to go there. Seriously, I'm not doing some reverse psychology trick on you. I really don't think you should go there. Unless you also work in the field of corporate communications, you'll find my ramblings about effective communications strategies profoundly uninteresting. You'll just be bored and end up hating me.

But if that kind of thing does interest you, feel free to check it out. You might want to wait about a week for me to get a few more postings up -- there's not much there yet. But you can critique the name if you like.

Speaking of the Lambo Gallardo, someone has made a pair of pumps inspired by my dream ride. If I was stuck in an elevator with a woman wearing a pair of these, it would probably be too much for me to handle. As the picture illustrates, they are literally smokin' hot.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Be Back Soon

Sorry, no episode today. I'm working on my professional promo site and on a new blog for my profound thoughts about writing for pay.

Wouldn't now be a good time to catch up on all those episodes you missed, or to revisit your favorites? Brad and Lily should be back early next week.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Canine Husband

This title could be misleading. Surprisingly, this clip is not about Governor Mark Sanford.

It's a shame that the slippery slope of unconventional marriage has taken this woman out of the dating pool. Any woman who would marry a dog would be a real catch for most guys.

It's interesting to me that anti-gay-marriage people often bring up the inability to procreate as an argument against extending marriage rights. As if the world was in dire need of more babies. When I was growing up, the biggest environmental concern was the population boom. But while our exploding global population is putting a greater strain on natural resources than ever, nobody in the U.S. ever talks about that anymore. Nobody wants to say anything negative about babies.

China's one child policy seems oppressive, but at least they are acknowledging the problem and trying to do something about it. I don't know the answer, but I can't believe spreading the message that there is no higher calling than parenthood is helping. I think that if people can enjoy their lives in stable relationships without the need to pump out more babies, then we should say "more power to 'em."

Unfortunately, it seems that just the opposite is happening. In Islamic cultures were polygamy is accepted, men can father dozens of children. Osama Bin Laden has about 50 brothers and sisters. So some Christians feel like they're in a competition -- that they have a moral imperative to keep pace with baby production. They don't stop to think that, as a culture, we might be more successful if we kept our ratio of people to natural resources low by keeping our population in check.

But as I said, I don't have an answer on how to do that. We're happy as a one-child family, but I can't justify imposing our family size on anyone else any more than I could justify imposing a rigid definition of straight marriage on gay people. But I do think accepting, and even encouraging, people who choose to not have kids is a good start. They even asked the lady who married her dog what she was going to do about having kids, and she said, "We'll adopt." Why even ask her that question? As if not being able to have kids is the crazy part of that scenario! The world doesn't need everybody procreating. Until Japanese sex-bots become affordable to the masses, we'll always have plenty of babies.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ix-nay on the Idget-may

I hope any little person who sees this takes it in the spirit of fun and info-tainment that it was intended. I'm on their side here.

Speaking of little people, have you seen this trailer that's been around for awhile? I haven't seen this movie yet, but it looks interesting.

I wonder about the casting of Gary Oldman, though. Oldman is a kick-ass actor, but you'd think there would be at least one actual little person who could handle that role and save the production company a ton of money in special effects. (If I was a little person actor, I'd be pissed.) UNLESS, this is the actual size of Gary Oldman, and special effects were used in all of his other movies to make him look normal height -- just like they do with Tom Cruise. It's just a theory, but it would explain this odd casting choice.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Palin Resigns!

To paraphrase Richard Nixon after he lost to JFK, we won't have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore. Right.

I was a Hoosier growing up, so I can't help but know a little bit about basketball. In her resignation speech she said, "A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win." She must have been the worst point guard ever. When driving through a full-court press, you don't keep your eye on the basket. You keep your eye out for an open teammate. How does keeping your eye on the basket let you know when to pass? She can't even make a decent sports analogy.

You know who must be most upset by this development? Mike Huckabee. Can Fox support two shows hosted by Republican ex-governors? If she does get a show on Fox, I hope she takes a cue from Ellen and dances to her theme music. That would rock.

Here's my favorite picture of her right now. Is that proper flag etiquette?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

iPhone Entrepreneurs

This could be the best episode ever. But I doubt it. I didn't have an idea all day and then threw this together right before bed. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that. I hope you enjoy it.

It's based on a real news story that made me jealous of an eleven-year-old. I'm not a bitter old man. I'm not.

I'll probably be taking some time off for the fourth. See you on Monday. Have a great weekend. Don't blow off any fingers.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Take Your Gun to Church

Uh-oh. I'm bracing myself for subscribers dropping me, Facebook fans deserting me, and family members shaking their heads in disappointment. I'll probably even lose that juicy sponsorship deal with Vibram. Oh well.

Before you get too upset, let me set the record straight that I don't have a problem with people who follow Jesus, or any religious choice, as long as they have love in their hearts. And I certainly don't have a problem with people who have patriotic pride in the USA. I don't even have that much of a problem with people who have a fetish for their guns and are avid defenders of their interpretation of the 2nd Amendment. (I may not share their opinions but I try to respect and tolerate their point of view.) I just think it's funny that some people think those three things all go together like football, chicken wings and beer.

It's interesting to me that the gun rights people point out that the founding fathers wanted us all to have arms so that we could overthrow the federal government if it started doing things we didn't like. But usually those are the same people who hate hippies and liberals for protesting a war our government is waging. Apparently, if the need arises, shooting and killing fellow citizens who work for the government would be okay, but God forbid you burn a flag. That would be crossing the line.

Seriously, the whole gun rights issue boils down to this simple idea: If Bob, your next door neighbor who works for the feds, shows up at your door one day asking for your gun, you should have the right to shoot him in the face. Is that what Jesus would do? I'm just sayin'...there seems to be a disconnect there. (I might have to take back that statement of trying to respect their point of view.)