Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Catholic Kama Sutra

Hi there. I usually write a little something here to introduce the clip. I got nothin'today. Sorry. Just watch the damn clip.

I actually did a little research for this episode. (You're welcome.) I learned a lot about the Aztec sport of ullamaliztli that I never knew before, and most of what I thought I knew was wrong. I thought it was played with a human head, but it wasn't. They used a rubber ball. Though they often used the heads of sacrificed players as decorations for the court. That had to be a strong motivator to give 110%. However, because being sacrificed was an honor, there's speculation that it was the winners who would be sacrificed. I also thought the rings (like sideways basketball goals) were way up high, but the picture I found showed them at about waist level. The players were all padded up like American football players, but they still ended up all bruised and bloody after a game. It was a bad-ass game. Here's an ullamaliztli court -- it's between 100 and 200 ft. long.

If you're curious to know what "monkey style" is, you'll have to wait for my sex manual to be published. The script of this episode is in the comments.


Red Pill Junkie said...

Actually, the ancient Mesoameric ball game was universal in most cultures, not just the Aztecs. There are ancient ball courts to be found in the Mayan ruins long before the Aztecs arrived to Mexico's central valley. Some people theorize that the famous Olmec giant heads are the heads of decapitated ball game players... or the heads of Olmec rulers... or African sailors... or Atlanteans (that's my favorite, of course).

Anyway, I'm sure that 'monkey style' would be banned in the Catholic Kama Sutra, because it implies that the couple degrade themselves to animal behavior; which is ironic, considering that it is precisely our heightened sexuality one of the things that distinguishes us from most of the Animal Kingdom —I say most, because there's our cousins the bonobos.

Dave Stratton said...

Brad: I just read about a Catholic priest named Ksawery Knotz who wrote a sex manual for married couples. They are calling it the Catholic Kama Sutra.

Lily: Ooo. That sounds like the ultimate guilty pleasure.

Brad: Some people are questioning how a celibate monk who lives in a monastery could possibly write a useful sex manual.

Lily: Well, you don’t have to be a football player to write about football.

Brad: That’s exactly what he said. But it’s bullshit. Most, no, I would say all, people who write about football have actually seen a game. They’ve probably seen hundreds of games, of all different leagues and conferences, actually being played. That’s as stupid as me saying I could write a manual for the ancient Aztec game of ullamaliztli.

Lily: Or a sex manual.

Brad: If I wrote about ullamaliztli...

Lily: Are you sure you’re pronouncing that correctly?

Brad: Yeah. Ullamaliztli. Anyway, I might make an educated guess that you should keep the ball grasped firmly in your hand, but I’d be wrong, because you’re not allowed to use your hands in ullamaliztli. So my manual would be a complete failure.

Lily: You’d have a lot of furious Aztecs to answer to.

Brad: Who knows what Father Knotz got wrong. He probably doesn’t even know about the optional positions.

Lily: (pause) The optional positions?

Brad: (pause) Monkey style?

Lily: Probably not. Probably not.