Easy Resolutions

New Years resolutions are a danger to your self esteem and should be used with extreme caution. If you make a resolution that you fail to keep, you'll just end up feeling bad about yourself, and you would have been better off not even making one. The trick is to keep your expectations low and your resolutions easy. That way you have a better chance of experiencing a sense of accomplishment rather than failure.



For example, say you resolve to lose twenty pounds. A fine goal for many of us. But then you fail to go to the gym the way you meant to, so no weight comes off. Feeling like a failure, you turn to comfort foods and gain fifteen pounds. You see, you're much better off just resolving to start wearing sweatpants everywhere.

I'm sure you can think of even easier (and funnier) resolutions than were in the clip. Let's hear them. The funniest "easy resolutions" posted to the comments section will appear in the comments section below.

Memory Trick

The "space-out" event she describes is something I've actually done -- not because I'm spacey, but because I have a lot of weighty subjects on my mind. Being disorganized and forgetful is just the price you pay for being a person of substance in possession of a superior intellect. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.



Hey, if you're on Facebook, you'll want to stop by the fan page where another exclusive clip was posted over the weekend. There's a handy link over to the right.

Plane Crash Tweet

Here's a news item about someone who might be a little too into Twitter. But who am I to judge?



I'm willing to bet that a lot of Deadpan fans can come up with equally unlikely tweets -- if so, I'd like to see them. As I see it, they could fall into either of two categories: the generic absurd tweet that could be sent by you or anyone (My shirt just caught fire) or a crazy tweet that is specific to a certain person or character (Thelma and I just drove off a cliff).

Is there a prize for the best reader submitted tweet? Sorry, no. But aren't we all winners just by participating?

Kwanzaa Faux Pas

To my friends of African heritage, I wish you a hearty Joyous Kwanzaa. Please enjoy this very special episode.



Whenever I joke about something like this I worry that it might be taken the wrong way, even though I'm just making fun of an imaginary insensitive boob, not the holiday itself. Feel free to weigh in below.

BTW -- if you're not familiar with this holiday, you can learn about it here. If I had a chance to add another holiday to my calendar, and I'd take it. We could all do with more reasons to celebrate our lives, doncha think?

Merry Christmas

The Deadpan Inc. offices are closed today, so instead I offer you this cool little gem I unearthed. Enjoy.

Last Minute Gifts

I hope you have all of your gifts purchased and wrapped and can kick back and enjoy a nice, peaceful Christmas Eve with your loved ones. If not, I feel for ya, buddy.



Having raised a teenage girl and being familiar with their propensity to experience severe, crippling embarrasment at the slightest provocation, I would also like to see the look on the niece's face when she opens that gift from her uncle (eeewwww!). The parents' reaction might also be quite entertaining.

Holiday Weapons

As long as there are people doing stupid things to get themselves in the news, the officemates will have something stupid to talk about.



As tonight is the third night of the Festival of Lights, it's a good a time to wish my Jewish friends Happy Hanukkah. I hope you weren't offended by this episode. Remember, it's not me saying this nonsense -- I'm just the transcriber.

Isn't it funny how some people can be completely ignorant of the celebrations of other cultures and then get bent out of shape when the seventeen-year-old Target employee says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Also chuckle-worthy: the White House sending out Hanukkah reception invitations with a Christmas tree on it. Here's the actual image, in case you missed it.


And should there be any doubt about what's being delivered, the sign on the wagon says, "White House Christmas Tree 2008." Heck-of-a job, Laura.

Found a Baby

Most of these episodes are based either on a news item I've read or something that I have personally experienced. This one is neither. This is just a nutty idea that came to me as I was waking up on a Saturday morning, putting off getting out of bed for a few more minutes.



I had originally scheduled this one for last Monday, but there was a depressing story in the news that made me postpone it a week. My story has a happy ending. Well, kinda...

Oprah Fat

I wouldn't have brought up this delicate subject if Oprah hadn't brought it up first. Lord knows, I don't want to offend Oprah. I live in the Chicago area -- close enough to Harpo Studios that I have no doubt the Oprah could destroy my life with just the slightest flick of a flawlessly manicured finger.



For those of you who didn't see the famous wagon of fat episode of Oprah, here's a screen shot. I think she's almost too thin here. It's like someone pasted Oprah's head on someone else's body. This was back in the 80's when she was broadcasting her show from Superman's Fortress of Solitude.




A small handful of readers from my hometown will know the Mary Alice mentioned in the clip. She was my next door neighbor when I was five, and we played together all the time. I don't actually remember pulling her around in my wagon, but it's very likely that I did.

Here's a picture of me playing with Mary Alice in my back yard. We look like Peanuts characters. The older girl in the middle is my kind and beautiful big sister, Lennie. Check it out, I'm wearing the Zorro cape mentioned in the Plain Old Stick posting.



Hey, are you a Deadpan Inc. fan who's also on Facebook? Would you like to share your enthusiasm for these semi-funny web comics with other Facebookers -- and see special episodes that can only be seen on Facebook? Then why aren't you already a fan of the Deadpan Inc. fan page?

Lonesome Gene

When you first glanced at this title, you probably thought it was about an old-time singing cowboy. It's not.



If you're curious about the premium denim brand she's talking about, here's the link. You know what looks good with 7 For All Mankind jeans? A Deadpan Inc. hoodie. Damn straight, skippy.

24 Part II

If you're a big fan of 24 and are looking forward to more insightful commentary about the show, don't get your hopes up too high. This episode goes off on another tangent pretty quickly.



I have to admit that the phenomenon discussed by these two has actually happened to me, on more than one occasion -- always while driving. When it happens, it's eerie. Ever happen to you?

24 Part I

I'm a big fan of the show 24, but I watch it more for its comedic value than for its drama. I know they're not trying to be funny, but I get more laughs out of an hour of 24 than a whole season of My Name is Earl.



I don't mean to offend anyone connected with My Name is Earl -- it's a fine show that I watch often -- I just think 24 is funnier.

A military interrogator writing under the name Matthew Alexander has published a book, How to Break a Terrorist, that dares to suggest certain "enhanced techniques" are counter-productive. To be honest, I haven't read the book yet, and I probably won't since I'm not likely to ever get to interrogate a terrorist (I wish!), but I have seen the guy on many talk shows and he sounds like he knows what he's talking about.

Blagojevich 2

If you're reading this from outside the U.S. and not following the story of our Illinois Governor Blagojevich, sorry -- but the story is just too outrageous to ignore.



The post originally scheduled for today was titled Found a Baby, but since there was a news development on Friday about a missing Florida toddler, I didn't want people to think I was joking about that. Nothing funny about that story. My completely non-morbid Found a Baby story will appear next Monday, barring other breaking news about missing children.

Itchy Rash

A major pharmaceutical company can't sue you if you lift statements right out of their three-page Newsweek ad, can they? I sure hope not.



If you are a sufferer of psoriasis and are about to leave an angry comment, please hold up a minute. I know it can be quite serious, and I didn't mean to make light of your affliction. If it causes you much suffering and you have confidence that your doctor can administer the drug in such a way as to minimize its risks, who am I to say you shouldn't go for it? I'm an idiot. There, I said it already, so you don't have to.

Lucid Dreaming III

Here is the much anticipated conclusion of the Lucid Dreaming series. Just as Sylvester Stallone said about Rocky III, I always intended it to be a trilogy. As with Lucid Dreaming I & II, you might want to check them out first -- on not. I'm not the boss of you. Enjoy.



If the last thing he said made you go "Huh?", check out the Avian Genital Tongues episode in the November archive. Sorry, I know, a sequel to a sequel that includes a shout-out to yet another episode is getting way too self-referential. I'll cut back on that. There won't be another two-parter until early next week.

Hey, don't miss your chance to vote in the new survey to the right. Don't worry -- there's no hidden malware involved. Voting won't do anything but add your vote to the little survey thing-a-majig. It won't access your credit card info and force a purchase of a Deadpan Inc. hoodie -- I haven't figured out how to make it do that yet.

Word Nerds + Bonus Blagojevich

Sometimes a breaking news story demands a response. Following below this clip will be your regularly scheduled episode.



The following is based on something my daughter and I came up with on a camping trip in Kentucky. It's quite possible that she and I are the only people on Earth who will be amused by this. I hope not.



Here's another challenge. Two challenges, actually. First, can someone invent a word for this phenomenon of using a single dual-meaning word to express a complete thought. And second, do you have any examples of your own to add. Please post your responses below. And if I've just wrecked your productivity for the rest of the day, sorry about that.

Japanese Zookeepers

I think this one is a winner, but it's hard to tell what people will like. I just know there's a line in this one that made me laugh out loud, and I wrote the darn thing.



Have you noticed the spiffy new Deadpan Inc. logo in the header? I have my good friend Ryan Carpenter to thank for that. He'll be the first to own a certified authentic Deadpan Inc. t-shirt. Because it is ridiculously easy (and free) to set up an online store for branded merchandise, I have done that. The link to the store is on the right. I can't imagine anyone actually buying any of this stuff (though it is high quality merchandise), but people do strange things. Plus, if anyone ever asks me in a job interview if I've ever spearheaded a global e-commerce initiative, I can say, "Yes. Yes, I have."

Brain Worms

If you have the stomach to see the news story that inspired this posting, you can see it here. If you eat pork, or eat in restaurants that serve pork, it'll freak you out. To my vegan friends... enjoy the schadenfreund.



When I was growing up (or before I was born, depending on how young you're willing to believe I am) there was a TV doctor show that created the "Marcus Welby effect." Marcus Welby was the Dr. House of his day, and after each week's episode, doctor offices would be flooded with people convinced they had the exotic ailment of the week. So to prevent a "Deadpan Inc. effect," let me assure you that you do not have a brain worm unless you occasionally experience tingling in an extremity, mild to severe headaches, or the inability to remember all the state capitals.

A brain worm could also be seen as a metaphor for a damaging concept that works its way into your brain -- like the idea of a populist Republican. The best populist Republican I've ever seen was fictional: Bob Roberts. In the 1992 movie of that title, Tim Robbins played a corrupt folksinging Senate candidate. His songs were priceless, but Robbins didn't allowed a soundtrack album to be released because he never wanted the songs to be experienced out of context. So as you watch the clip below, out of respect to Tim, please enjoy it ironically.



Hey Googlers! If you came here by searching "brain worms," I'm sorry if it failed to provide the vital medical information you need. But if you got a chuckle here, be sure to check out a few other episodes -- many of which are even funnier than this one, if you can believe that. I recommend fan faves Avian Genital Tongues, Sugar Cookies and Smiley Face Cops. You can find a link to any episode in the Archive section to the right. Enjoy.

Love Beach

If you're not familiar with the album mentioned in the video, just believe me that it is really bad. I could encourage you to look it up on iTunes and check it out for yourself, but I know you have better things to do with your time. I'm absolutely certain you have better things to do with your time.



I was actually a big ELP fan back in the day, until they released Love Beach. It seemed like a betrayal of their fans. I was baffled by how these guys could put out such dreck. Then I noticed they recorded the album in Jamaica. There you go. I'm sure they spent the day on the beach sipping rum drinks with topless groupies before stumbling into the studio in the evening after stuffing themselves on jerk chicken. That's how you lose your edge, my friend.

Unless you're in a reggae band, you shouldn't record in Jamaica. For that matter, you shouldn't record anywhere where you'd rather be outside than in the studio. Maybe that's why so much good music came out of Abbey Road Studios.

Hey Deadpan fans...help me choose a tag line by responding to the poll in the right-side column. It just takes two little clicks. The poll ends Monday evening. Thanks.

Lucid Dreaming II

If this is your first time at Deadpan Inc., I owe you an apology. This clip won't be nearly as enjoyable to you as it will be to those who saw the first Lucid Dreaming episode. You should check that one out from the November archive before viewing this one. While you're at it, you might also want to check out the Avian Genital Tongues episode. I'm not sure I'll ever top that one.



This episode also reveals the winner of the Double Arm Transplant challenge. I received several punch lines that made me literally LOL, but this one conjured up a county fair eating contest image that stuck with me. "MMM, that sure looks good. But I'm wearing a new white shirt. What flavor is it again? Blueberry! Dammit. What to do? What to do?"

Because it's my prerogative, I'll take the last word with one more that I should have used in the original post. "He's really looking forward to dressing himself, riding his motorcycle and doing the Macarena."

Hey Deadpan fans...help me choose a tag line by responding to the poll in the right-side column. It just takes two little clicks. The poll ends Monday evening. Thanks.

Ten Commandments

Many of my posts are based on news items that catch my eye. This one, however, was inspired by my own life. Enjoy.



At the risk of revealing a spoiler, here's my design of the plaque mentioned in the video.

Automaker Bailout

I wonder if those Big 3 automaker CEOs pulled an all-nighter last night getting their bailout proposal ready. I can see them hunkered down in a conference room, ordering in $1,000 caviar pizzas from Nino's Bellissima (Google it), pounding double espressos, sending their assistants out to score meth in the wee hours, etc. I hope they remembered to run Spell Check.



Notice how like the opening shots of A Touch of Evil and Boogie Nights this was filmed in one continuous shot. Pretty impressive, huh?

It's tough to be a car snob when you don't have any money. You can see the object of my automotive lust here. As an ardent follower of The Secret, I'm sure it will come to me someday.

Here's how that will play out. One of you will forward my link to an agent. The agent will sign me and get me a gig writing a TV show. The show will win an Emmy and go into syndication. I'll buy my Gallardo. It's a simple four-step plan. Let's get on it, people.

Beyonce

Apparently Beyonce wants to start performing under the alter-ego Sasha Fierce. Why?? Is she trying to trick people into going to her concerts twice? "Wait a minute, that's Beyonce! I've already seen this show! Dammit."

Really -- why does she need an alter-ego? She's frackin' Beyonce. Now if I were to go on tour, I would need an alter-ego. Nobody would pay to hear me sing. Maybe something like "Andrea Bocelli" would work for me, if it isn't already taken.

Is it just me, or is Sasha Fierce possibly the only name more drag-queen-y than Beyonce? What's up with that?



I have to confess to being mesmerized by those "Upgrade Me" commercials, even though I'm at an age when I can't really say that out loud without sounding pervy. When precisely does that happen? One day it's perfectly acceptable to blurt out, "Whoa, check out Danica Patrick!" and another day it's not. It would be helpful to know when that cut-off point occurs.