Stupid Arrogant Cat

Here's another story that seems hard to believe, but it's true. If you don't believe me, bing it. (Google is so May '09.)



The couple's names are Chris and Rose Rasmussen and the stupid arrogant cat's name is Sparky. Here's a picture of Chris with Sparky.


I have to admit, from this picture alone, Sparky looks pretty damn special. See how he's doing such a good job of acting like Chris doesn't even exist. That takes concentration.

I guess Brad and Lily aren't cat people. If you're a cat lover, sorry if I offended you. I had a cat growing up, but it was a cool cat because it acted more like a dog. It would chase me around the yard like a dog because it learned how to play from a small dog next door. The coolest thing it would do is hide in the bushes when my parents would have company over, and when they walked up the sidewalk to our porch the crazy cat would jump out, standing on its hind legs with its from paws clawing the air and hissing at them. The woman would scream, the man would almost fall backwards, and the cat would run off laughing to himself. His name was Rusty, and he was awesome.

Ugly Astronauts

So much real work last week, I got behind on my little videos. Pulled this one together last night right before falling into bed. I like it. Hope you do too.



Do you think Phil Collins is ugly? I honestly haven't given it much thought.

I'm still behind in clip production and have another full day of real work booked tomorrow. This would be a great week to submit that great DI idea that's been bouncing around in your noggin. I might just use it.

Hey, would you like to open up your big presentation with a Deadpan Inc. clip written especially for your audience, but you fear that your writing skills are woefully inadequate for creating an acceptably semi-funny clip? No problem. Hire me. You can do that. Just contact me via strattonbiz at sbcglobal dot net. I can be bought! For a shockingly modest fee! Interested? Let's chat.

Porn 101

If they show films in this class, I would guess it might make for some embarrassment in the passing period to the next class. A lot of guys walking across the quad holding their backpacks in front of their pants.



This episode allowed me to flaunt my film-geek knowledge. I actually use cinematic semiotics in the construction of these clips. For example, if I want Brad to appear weak, I use the shot from behind Lily that makes her look like she's towering over him. And yes, Mr. Weinstein, I am available to direct features.

Hey, check out my cool new desktop image that I illegally downloaded from the site of the amazing Mark Ryden. I hope Mark is cool with that. Maybe if he sells a painting from this plug he'll let it slide. BTW -- this paragraph is a complete non sequitor. I don't mean to imply any connection between Mark's work and porn. Seriously, Mark's work is brilliant -- porn is not.

This isn't even one of my favorite paintings. But it was one of the few on his site that offered a hi-res version that could kinda work as a desktop image. (This is the low-res.) It's still a bit blurry on my desktop, but I like it.

The script is in the comments.

The Catholic Kama Sutra

Hi there. I usually write a little something here to introduce the clip. I got nothin'today. Sorry. Just watch the damn clip.



I actually did a little research for this episode. (You're welcome.) I learned a lot about the Aztec sport of ullamaliztli that I never knew before, and most of what I thought I knew was wrong. I thought it was played with a human head, but it wasn't. They used a rubber ball. Though they often used the heads of sacrificed players as decorations for the court. That had to be a strong motivator to give 110%. However, because being sacrificed was an honor, there's speculation that it was the winners who would be sacrificed. I also thought the rings (like sideways basketball goals) were way up high, but the picture I found showed them at about waist level. The players were all padded up like American football players, but they still ended up all bruised and bloody after a game. It was a bad-ass game. Here's an ullamaliztli court -- it's between 100 and 200 ft. long.



If you're curious to know what "monkey style" is, you'll have to wait for my sex manual to be published. The script of this episode is in the comments.

Italian Models

Last week I asked DI fans to challenge me by submitting two unrelated topics that I would have to combine into a single episode. Frequent commenter Red Pill Junkie came through with two such news stories. Here's what I did with them.



Simply linking the two stories wasn't that tough. The real challenge was doing that while maintaining my high standards of semi-funny comedy. I hope I succeeded.

Here's the alleged couple. The Prime Minister is 72 and the model is 18. By the commonly accepted European formula for calculating the ideal age of a mistress (divide the man's age by two and add six), Noemi is about 24 years too young for him. She's even too young for me. I'd tell you my ideal mistress age, but I'm afraid of my wife.


The script is in the comments.

Supreme Silliness

I know I'm a little late in weighing in on the Sotomayor nomination. That's what I get for trying to stay ahead of my deadlines.



So far every argument against Sotomayor falls apart when you apply a little critical thinking. To avoid inflicting a long essay on you, here's my take on those arguments in easily digestible bullet form.

• New Haven firefighters: She found that there was not sufficient legal justification for overturning the decision of a lower court. Finding for the white firefighters would have required her to ignore the rule of law and be an "activist judge." Oh, the irony.
• The wise Latina quote: Her quote started with "I would hope that a wise Latina..." Not "I know that a wise Latina..." Can anyone deny that a Hispanic woman is likely to have more direct experience with the kind of equal rights issues that often come before the courts than a white man? (I'm a white man, and I get that.) She's simply expressing a hope that those direct experiences would make her a better judge than someone lacking those experiences, "more often than not." Don't we all hope that our experiences will help us make better decisions, more often than not? Here's another line from the same speech that her critics never quote, "I can and do aspire to be greater than the sum total of my experiences, but I accept my limitations." And here's a quote from the wise white male Justice Alito, "When I get a case about discrimination, I have to think about people in my own family who suffered discrimination because of their ethnic background or because of religion or because of gender. And I do take that into account." Hmm.
• Empathy: Not all legal cases are black and white logic puzzles. Often there are gray areas that demand a judgment call. That's why they're called judges. Because legal decisions can have a profound impact on people's lives, many people (myself, BHO and anyone who has ever been dragged into court) prefer that those decisions are being made by a human being rather than a Vulcan. George Lakoff wrote a fascinating blog posting about the real strategy behind this attack on empathy. It's eye-opening.

Sotomayor's record shows her to be a highly accomplished, mainstream judge who has consistently demonstrated a deep understanding and respect for the rule of law. Radical conservatives know Sotomayor is going to be confirmed. As Lakoff points out, there's another agenda behind these attacks.

Sorry about the political essay. To compensate, I'll be devoting the rest of the week to juvenile sex jokes.

Here's a new feature -- see the comment below for the script of this episode. Use it to act out this episode with a friend.

Orgy Riot

Here's another interesting news item. I thought nudist colonies were supposed to be wholesome family retreats where people could enjoy a more natural communion with nature. I guess things are a little looser at The White Cockatoo.



I originally had a post about Sotomayor scheduled for today, but there were problems with the clip on YouTube. Look for that tomorrow.

Any Australian viewers want to clue us in on the meaning of "argy-bargy"? Is that really a common expression down there? If so, I'd like to popularize its use here in the civilized parts of the world.

Anyone else suspicious of Lily's knowledge of the location of the White Cockatoo? And is the White Cockatoo supposed to be a euphemism? I'd like to hear from someone from the resort. I'll try to send them an email and see if they respond.

UPDATE: One of the owners of The White Cockatoo responded. See the comment below. Since I exploited his business for my little comedy blog, I think it's only fair that I let him post all the resort contact info. But it shouldn't be construed an endorsement on my part -- I've never been there, and I'm not likely to go until my personal economy fully recovers (and I get a new wife who's a LOT less conservative). However, should a resort owner want to sponsor a visit by world-renowned blogger by covering my airfare, lodging and incidentals, I might be open to that. As a blogger, I'm not expected to avoid conflicts of interest the way actual reporters are, am I?