Japanese Zookeepers

I think this one is a winner, but it's hard to tell what people will like. I just know there's a line in this one that made me laugh out loud, and I wrote the darn thing.



Have you noticed the spiffy new Deadpan Inc. logo in the header? I have my good friend Ryan Carpenter to thank for that. He'll be the first to own a certified authentic Deadpan Inc. t-shirt. Because it is ridiculously easy (and free) to set up an online store for branded merchandise, I have done that. The link to the store is on the right. I can't imagine anyone actually buying any of this stuff (though it is high quality merchandise), but people do strange things. Plus, if anyone ever asks me in a job interview if I've ever spearheaded a global e-commerce initiative, I can say, "Yes. Yes, I have."

Brain Worms

If you have the stomach to see the news story that inspired this posting, you can see it here. If you eat pork, or eat in restaurants that serve pork, it'll freak you out. To my vegan friends... enjoy the schadenfreund.



When I was growing up (or before I was born, depending on how young you're willing to believe I am) there was a TV doctor show that created the "Marcus Welby effect." Marcus Welby was the Dr. House of his day, and after each week's episode, doctor offices would be flooded with people convinced they had the exotic ailment of the week. So to prevent a "Deadpan Inc. effect," let me assure you that you do not have a brain worm unless you occasionally experience tingling in an extremity, mild to severe headaches, or the inability to remember all the state capitals.

A brain worm could also be seen as a metaphor for a damaging concept that works its way into your brain -- like the idea of a populist Republican. The best populist Republican I've ever seen was fictional: Bob Roberts. In the 1992 movie of that title, Tim Robbins played a corrupt folksinging Senate candidate. His songs were priceless, but Robbins didn't allowed a soundtrack album to be released because he never wanted the songs to be experienced out of context. So as you watch the clip below, out of respect to Tim, please enjoy it ironically.



Hey Googlers! If you came here by searching "brain worms," I'm sorry if it failed to provide the vital medical information you need. But if you got a chuckle here, be sure to check out a few other episodes -- many of which are even funnier than this one, if you can believe that. I recommend fan faves Avian Genital Tongues, Sugar Cookies and Smiley Face Cops. You can find a link to any episode in the Archive section to the right. Enjoy.

Love Beach

If you're not familiar with the album mentioned in the video, just believe me that it is really bad. I could encourage you to look it up on iTunes and check it out for yourself, but I know you have better things to do with your time. I'm absolutely certain you have better things to do with your time.



I was actually a big ELP fan back in the day, until they released Love Beach. It seemed like a betrayal of their fans. I was baffled by how these guys could put out such dreck. Then I noticed they recorded the album in Jamaica. There you go. I'm sure they spent the day on the beach sipping rum drinks with topless groupies before stumbling into the studio in the evening after stuffing themselves on jerk chicken. That's how you lose your edge, my friend.

Unless you're in a reggae band, you shouldn't record in Jamaica. For that matter, you shouldn't record anywhere where you'd rather be outside than in the studio. Maybe that's why so much good music came out of Abbey Road Studios.

Hey Deadpan fans...help me choose a tag line by responding to the poll in the right-side column. It just takes two little clicks. The poll ends Monday evening. Thanks.

Lucid Dreaming II

If this is your first time at Deadpan Inc., I owe you an apology. This clip won't be nearly as enjoyable to you as it will be to those who saw the first Lucid Dreaming episode. You should check that one out from the November archive before viewing this one. While you're at it, you might also want to check out the Avian Genital Tongues episode. I'm not sure I'll ever top that one.



This episode also reveals the winner of the Double Arm Transplant challenge. I received several punch lines that made me literally LOL, but this one conjured up a county fair eating contest image that stuck with me. "MMM, that sure looks good. But I'm wearing a new white shirt. What flavor is it again? Blueberry! Dammit. What to do? What to do?"

Because it's my prerogative, I'll take the last word with one more that I should have used in the original post. "He's really looking forward to dressing himself, riding his motorcycle and doing the Macarena."

Hey Deadpan fans...help me choose a tag line by responding to the poll in the right-side column. It just takes two little clicks. The poll ends Monday evening. Thanks.

Ten Commandments

Many of my posts are based on news items that catch my eye. This one, however, was inspired by my own life. Enjoy.



At the risk of revealing a spoiler, here's my design of the plaque mentioned in the video.

Automaker Bailout

I wonder if those Big 3 automaker CEOs pulled an all-nighter last night getting their bailout proposal ready. I can see them hunkered down in a conference room, ordering in $1,000 caviar pizzas from Nino's Bellissima (Google it), pounding double espressos, sending their assistants out to score meth in the wee hours, etc. I hope they remembered to run Spell Check.



Notice how like the opening shots of A Touch of Evil and Boogie Nights this was filmed in one continuous shot. Pretty impressive, huh?

It's tough to be a car snob when you don't have any money. You can see the object of my automotive lust here. As an ardent follower of The Secret, I'm sure it will come to me someday.

Here's how that will play out. One of you will forward my link to an agent. The agent will sign me and get me a gig writing a TV show. The show will win an Emmy and go into syndication. I'll buy my Gallardo. It's a simple four-step plan. Let's get on it, people.

Beyonce

Apparently Beyonce wants to start performing under the alter-ego Sasha Fierce. Why?? Is she trying to trick people into going to her concerts twice? "Wait a minute, that's Beyonce! I've already seen this show! Dammit."

Really -- why does she need an alter-ego? She's frackin' Beyonce. Now if I were to go on tour, I would need an alter-ego. Nobody would pay to hear me sing. Maybe something like "Andrea Bocelli" would work for me, if it isn't already taken.

Is it just me, or is Sasha Fierce possibly the only name more drag-queen-y than Beyonce? What's up with that?



I have to confess to being mesmerized by those "Upgrade Me" commercials, even though I'm at an age when I can't really say that out loud without sounding pervy. When precisely does that happen? One day it's perfectly acceptable to blurt out, "Whoa, check out Danica Patrick!" and another day it's not. It would be helpful to know when that cut-off point occurs.