Touchless Soap Dispenser

This seems to be a totally different subject, but it could be considered a sequel to last week's health care reform episode, which for some reason is getting 10x the normal number of YouTube views.



Don't get me wrong. I'm not a socialist, at least not all the time. Free-market capitalism is great for some things. If it weren't for free-market capitalism, we'd all still be toting around Commodore SX64s. Here's what that looks like:

I used to use a box like that to program multimedia shows. (I'm really old.) That open bay is for a second $400 170 KB floppy drive, which was handy for making back-up floppies. But I digress.

I'm glad capitalism drives so much innovation and creativity, most of the time. But when it comes to my health insurance, I'm not sure a corporate entity whose primary objective is maximizing ROI for the investment community has my best interests at heart. There it seems all the innovation and creativity goes into finding new ways to screw us.

Here's one of those nifty soap dispensers. Only thirty bucks (batteries not included). Note the handy built-in tray for catching the inevitable dribbles due to lack of hand/motion-sensor coordination.

Full Body Scans

I'm with Brad on this one. I'm much more concerned about the government tapping my phone and tracking my web surfing than I am about some bored TSA employee taking a peek inside my Haynes boxer-briefs. (To my lady-friends, regarding that mental image...you're welcome.)



This script could have gone on for several more minutes. I'll post the additional script at the fanpage on Facebook. There's a link to the right, if you'd like to go there. But if you do go there, you have to click "Become a Fan." It's the only way to protect your identity from the Nigerian scammers who administer my page. See you there.

Oh, and here's a picture of Kelly Ripa for those who don't know who Brad is talking about. She looks nice. (She's the one on the right.) Don't make eye contact with the cat--it'll steal your soul.



Wow, I never noticed those guns before. Do they test for 'roids at ABC? I'm not really a big fan--though she is a cutey--I just thought she'd be a quirky choice for Brad.

New Year's Surprise II

Last New Year's Day episode was done in French because it just felt right for the situation. I'm not sure if that went over well, but I thought I'd try to come up with a suitable sequel anyway. This time, I went with the style of a telenovela mexicana. Enjoy.



As with last year's, I created this under the not-insignificant handicap of not speaking the language. I used an online translation program, so this could be a really bad translation--or a really awesome replication of telenovela dialog. Hopefully someone who speaks Spanish will let me know if I came close.

Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 treats us all a little better than 2009 did.

The Christmas Sweater

In the interest of full disclosure, I haven't read Glen Beck's maudlin autobiographical novel. And like virtually every other person on Earth, I didn't attend his live-beamed-to-movie-theaters dramatization of it. I gleaned all I needed from an online transcript of an interview he gave Don Imus.



The thing that really pissed me off about The Christmas Sweater is how he tried to turn it into a live-beamed-to-theaters event. I think the live-beamed-to-theaters medium offers a lot of potential, but using it for something as lame as TCS can't be good for future productions. It's like if the first rock band ever recorded was Boston, would the Beatles ever get a recording contract?

In closing, Glen Beck is an evil, disingenuous ass-clown pandering to a weak-minded, easily-manipulated, xenophobic audience.

Technical Difficulties II

While waiting for my problems publishing new Deadpan Inc. clips to be resolved, I offer you this cool little song by Kate Micucci. Enjoy.



The director, Raul B. Fernandez, is a recent film school grad who's just getting started. Nice job, Raul.

200th Episode: Who is Khloe Kardashian?

Wow. 200 episodes. Tremendous accomplishment, or tremendous waste of time? I can't decide. Maybe both. I hope you've been entertained by one or two of them. To celebrate, I'm offering up a special two-part episode. Enjoy.





To all of you who have encouraged me these past months, thanks. I means a lot to me to hear from you and know someone is out there enjoying my little hobby. Today is also my birthday, so why not leave me the gift of a comment. Let me know about that special episode that helped you kick meth, leave the Republican Party, or whatever.

And thanks to those of you who offered suggestions for today's episode(s). I used ideas from Karl White, Reine Silverlight-Mallonee and King Rat to build this extravaganza. Thanks! (Sorry, Reine, I don't think they're ever going to get there.)

Hey, just noticed that Dan Piraro is talking about celebrity today too. I owe Dan a lot for getting this blog some attention in the early days. Thanks again, Dan.

Dumpster Party

I have trouble believing this story. Not that it happened, but that it happened in Kansas rather than Florida. Could this couple have moved from Florida to Kansas?



For those of you outside the U.S. who don't know who Glen Beck is, let me try to explain. He is a right-wing commentator on a faux "news" channel who believes the world is being run by a "New World Order" of a secret cabal of wealthy families who control liberal politicians and the mainstream media in order to turn the U.S. into a facist, socialist, communist state so they can...I've lost the train of thought. It's really hard to follow. He claims it's all in some book by another Mormon crackpot who was laughed out of the conservative movement decades ago. He is often moved to tears on national television about this nonsense.


It would all be completely laughable if people weren't showing up at Presidential events heavily armed. And for some reason, that's legal in this country. You can't bring a gun on a plane (yet), but you can bring loaded weapons to a Presidential address, no problem. To quote Yakov Smirnoff, "what a country."

Faux Big Brother

People actually volunteer to be on Big Brother? Why would anyone want to do that? I always thought it was some kind of home confinement program for minor criminals.

A Cheater's Punishment

Another true news item that could inspire a country song -- this time, surprisingly, not from Florida.



At first she wanted him to stay out there for a week, but she let him stop after just a few hours. Perhaps she too became aware of potential unintended consequences.

Rose Garden Beer Bash

Yeah, I know, every comedian in the country is doing something with this story, but I couldn't resist.



Speaking of Schlitz Malt Liquor, check out this cool commercial I found. (And by "cool" I mean hilariously/disturbingly inappropriate.)

Fake Moon Landing

How can we believe the government about this? After all, wasn't Nixon in office then?



I've said this before, but I doubt conspiracy theories based on video evidence alone when there should be plenty of eyewitnesses. Large groups of people just can't keep secrets that well.

Take the supposed "controlled demolition" of World Trade Center 7. There's plenty of evidence that debunks that conspiracy theory online, so I won't go into it here. But the thing that made me doubt it was lack of any eyewitnesses to the planting of the explosives. There are a lot of people in a 50-story Manhattan office building. If you've ever seen how those demolition crews work, you know they don't just plant a few charges. They plant dozens of charges all through the building. If I was one of the office workers in WTC 7, I would have noticed guys planting dynamite and running detonation wires all over the place. I get engrossed in my work, but I think I would have noticed that. "Dude, what's up with all the dynamite? Did I miss a memo?"

Elevator Erotica

Here's another SEO titled episode. It's amazing to me how much traffic I get from search engines when the episode title contains words like "porn" and "sex." Even more surprising is how much traffic I get from people looking for a picture of the Lamborghini Gallardo.



Since I missed a few days, I decided not to wait until Monday to post this -- hence the rare Saturday posting.

You might notice on the right, in my list of sites, there's a new blog. Do not be tempted to go there. Seriously, I'm not doing some reverse psychology trick on you. I really don't think you should go there. Unless you also work in the field of corporate communications, you'll find my ramblings about effective communications strategies profoundly uninteresting. You'll just be bored and end up hating me.

But if that kind of thing does interest you, feel free to check it out. You might want to wait about a week for me to get a few more postings up -- there's not much there yet. But you can critique the name if you like.

Speaking of the Lambo Gallardo, someone has made a pair of pumps inspired by my dream ride. If I was stuck in an elevator with a woman wearing a pair of these, it would probably be too much for me to handle. As the picture illustrates, they are literally smokin' hot.

Palin Resigns!

To paraphrase Richard Nixon after he lost to JFK, we won't have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore. Right.



I was a Hoosier growing up, so I can't help but know a little bit about basketball. In her resignation speech she said, "A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win." She must have been the worst point guard ever. When driving through a full-court press, you don't keep your eye on the basket. You keep your eye out for an open teammate. How does keeping your eye on the basket let you know when to pass? She can't even make a decent sports analogy.

You know who must be most upset by this development? Mike Huckabee. Can Fox support two shows hosted by Republican ex-governors? If she does get a show on Fox, I hope she takes a cue from Ellen and dances to her theme music. That would rock.

Here's my favorite picture of her right now. Is that proper flag etiquette?

A New Element

Are you relieved that Brad is back? I am. So is Lily. And so is Brad, obviously.



I'd like to point out to all those clients who like working with me but can't afford to keep me on full-time that I am always available for "secure document shredding."

It feels almost unpatriotic to take a shot at GM now, but why are they ditching Saturn and Pontiac while keeping Buick? Huh? Won't Buick's entire demographic die off before they pay back any of that bailout money?

For those of you who live in a country where GM cars are called Opels or Holdens, thus making you puzzled about Lily's Buick Enclave comment, here's a picture of it. It's totally different from the Chevy Traverse seen just below it.


I might have mixed those pictures up. They are a little small. Anyway, I'm sure the Enclave is worth every penny of the 20% premium GM expects you to pay for it.

DTV Transition

I'm afraid that people who found this from a search of "DTV Transition" are going to be disappointed. I don't have any information about the government coupon program for DTV converters. Sorry.

90-Year-Old Graduate

Another just-in-the-nick-of-time late night episode -- but I think it came out okay. Thanks, Jennifer, for the news item.



This episode got me thinking if unrelated outside factors influence public opinion polls. For example, are more people willing to go along with same-sex marriage on a Monday after a sunny weekend than after a rainy one? Hey Psychology students, there's a study you could do. (Talking to you, Daughter Stratton.)

I'm confident enough in my masculinity to admit I love SYTYCD. And before you say "that's kinda gay," let me ask you -- have you seen the body of a female professional dancer on HDTV? That SYTYCD action is hotter than Cinemax Late Night, and you don't get the stink eye from the wife for watching it. Win!

Miss California Miss

Sometimes Brad and Lily say really stupid things. But in this case, Brad's opinion exactly mirrors my own. I realize I'm a few weeks late with this. Sorry.



I don't really have anything new to add to the discussion. I'd just reiterate that her statement that she's proud to live in a land where people can choose same-sex or "opposite" marriage shows her to be an idiot. In most states there is no such choice. And she's not "proud" at all. She's actively working for groups committed to restricting marriage rights. If you're really proud to live in a free country, you support freedom, even when you have trouble stomaching some aspects of a free society. You don't advocate laws and amendments that restrict rights.

Haute Cuisine

I was alerted to this gastronomical phenomenon by my friend Erik Marcus at Vegan.com. I'm an omnivore, but I think I'd draw the line on this dish. There's no wonder how Paula keeps her lovely figure.



You can probably still see the clip at The Food Network site. I could give you the link, but I figure if you really want to see it, you can find it. You're a resourceful person. Somehow you found your way here.

She's doing it wrong by rolling it in flour, eggs and crumbs. Batter-dipped is the way to go. Just whip up some pancake batter and dunk -- so much easier and it gives a thicker, crunchier, more calorie-dense coating. That's how we did it when I worked at Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips. The tricky part of that job was trying to gently lower a block of batter-dipped frozen fish into the hot oil. About every sixth block would slip out of my fingers and fall in, causing the hot oil to splash up and burn my forearm. That summer I walked around with little scabs all over my arms. I call the fish "blocks" because they were formed into perfect 60° right triangles. You couldn't really call them "fillets." I usually went next door to the Taco Bell for lunch. My boss told me to at least take off the uniform shirt when I do that.

They did have the best dessert there though -- a deep-fried lemon turnover that put the Micky D's apple turnover to shame. I miss those lemon turnovers. And they had these giant "chips" that were the size of monkey-wrench handles. How could that fail?

Gay Elephants

Bam! Short and sweet. All the fun in half the running time.



If homosexuality exists in nature in the form of gay penguins and gay elephants, isn't it logical to conclude that homosexuality in a certain percentage of humans is "natural." Dare I say "created by God"? Of course, anti-gay-rights people would argue that cannibalism exists in nature, but we don't legalize that. Yeah, they would compare another person's love life to cannibalism. That's how they roll.

The National Organization for Marriage (NAMBLA)* just did a commercial featuring actors saying scary things about gay rights in front of a stormy background. Stephen Colbert did a perfect parody of it on The Colbert Report. If you haven't seen it, you should. Too funny.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

It's probably not a good idea to post someone else's video that is funnier than my own, but I couldn't resist sharing this. I love how the teacher instantly turns flamboyantly gay after the lightning strike.

*I stole that NAMBLA gag from The Daily Show. (It's an homage, not stealing, if you give attribution.) They used to do it all the time, whenever they covered an association with an acronym for a name. I think they retired it.

March Madness

Our household is rooting for Wisconsin, even though their chances are slim this year. But if they did somehow manage to be this year's miracle Cinderella team, how sweet would that be? Pretty damn sweet, I'd say.



I have to admit that even though I'm a graduate of a Big Ten school (Purdue), I don't follow college sports, so my method for filling out the bracket isn't much better than his. I'm impressed by people who actually know enough about all 64 teams to fill out those things knowledgeably, even though upsets always screw them up and some idiot like me ends up winning.

UPDATE: Brad was right -- Badgers beat Seminoles in OT.