Something New

I have a new blog! If you like Deadpan Inc. and can also read, you might enjoy The Continuing Adventures of Sheldon Ashbury. Check it out, and if you enjoy it, tell all your friends on MySpace.

Here's another largely unseen episode from the archives, but don't forget to visit the new blog!

Foreign Accent Syndrome

Yeah, I know, it's been a while. But I've been really, really busy. New episodes of Breaking Bad are airing!

This was a half-baked idea I had bouncing around in my head for a long time and kind of forgot about it, and then I saw the story of the British woman suddenly talking with a Chinese accent and it came back to me. Enjoy.



Update: I found video of the lady in the news story. She's not talking in a Chinese accent any more; now it's sort of generic European.

The Fattest Woman

I started writing this about the woman who wants to eat her way over to over a thousand pounds, and I was going to have them talk about the consequences for her if she fails, the function for society that "the fattest man" and the "the fattest woman" serve in helping us feel better about our not-so-fat-after-all bodies, and what not. But then the idea took an entirely different turn for the better, I think. Enjoy.

Take Your Child to Work

Haven't heard anything in the news lately that has inspired me, until this story came along. Not that there hasn't been idiocy in the news. Repubs trying to make a simple application of a Senate rule sound like an unnatural sex act. Making bills passed by both houses match up so they can get a simple majority vote and become law??!! Reconciliation??!! Our legislative branch actually making laws??!! OMG!!!

Sorry. Enjoy this fine episode.



Just a few more things about health insurance reform. First, it's not health care reform, it's health insurance reform. And second, don't show me polls that say most people don't want this reform. Other polls show most people want everything that's in this reform. There's a reason our founding fathers didn't set up our laws to be made by public referendum. Sometimes the public wets itself and says stupid shit to manipulative poll takers.

Full Body Scans

I'm with Brad on this one. I'm much more concerned about the government tapping my phone and tracking my web surfing than I am about some bored TSA employee taking a peek inside my Haynes boxer-briefs. (To my lady-friends, regarding that mental image...you're welcome.)



This script could have gone on for several more minutes. I'll post the additional script at the fanpage on Facebook. There's a link to the right, if you'd like to go there. But if you do go there, you have to click "Become a Fan." It's the only way to protect your identity from the Nigerian scammers who administer my page. See you there.

Oh, and here's a picture of Kelly Ripa for those who don't know who Brad is talking about. She looks nice. (She's the one on the right.) Don't make eye contact with the cat--it'll steal your soul.



Wow, I never noticed those guns before. Do they test for 'roids at ABC? I'm not really a big fan--though she is a cutey--I just thought she'd be a quirky choice for Brad.

Sponge Painting

The New Year's Eve event is creating complications.

New Year's Surprise II

Last New Year's Day episode was done in French because it just felt right for the situation. I'm not sure if that went over well, but I thought I'd try to come up with a suitable sequel anyway. This time, I went with the style of a telenovela mexicana. Enjoy.



As with last year's, I created this under the not-insignificant handicap of not speaking the language. I used an online translation program, so this could be a really bad translation--or a really awesome replication of telenovela dialog. Hopefully someone who speaks Spanish will let me know if I came close.

Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 treats us all a little better than 2009 did.

Lucid Dreaming IV

The Lucid Dreaming series of last year was popular, so here's another installment. If you'd like to check out the others in this series, go to Lucid Dreaming, Lucid Dreaming II and Lucid Dreaming III. Enjoy.



And just for easy reference, here are some pictures of Rihanna. She looks nice.

Beefeaters

Actually, the formal name of this group is the Yeomen Warders of Her Majesty's Royal Palace and Fortress the Tower of London, not to be confused with the Yeomen of the Guard, a completely separate organization. Confusing those two will mark you as a complete moron. I learned that from Wikipedia. Speaking of which, feel free to turn "What am I, Wikipedia?" into the hot new catch-phrase. Saying that will mark you as a hip, cool follower of Deadpan Inc. to those in the know.



Here's a photo of Moira Cameron, the first female Yeoman of the Guard in their 1,000-year history. Seriously, dudes, couldn't you wait for the second female Beefeater before starting with the dirty talk? Way to sully history, Beefeaters.

French Words

Why are the French so protective of their language? True, it is a beautiful language. Are they worried that if it gets watered down with English words, it won't be as useful in seducing tourists?



I'm surprised Brad didn't go with "crescent roll." I had high hopes for this one, but the ending feels weak. C'est la vie. Feel free to leave a comment with your own suggestion for Americanizing a French word used by English speakers.

200th Episode: Who is Khloe Kardashian?

Wow. 200 episodes. Tremendous accomplishment, or tremendous waste of time? I can't decide. Maybe both. I hope you've been entertained by one or two of them. To celebrate, I'm offering up a special two-part episode. Enjoy.





To all of you who have encouraged me these past months, thanks. I means a lot to me to hear from you and know someone is out there enjoying my little hobby. Today is also my birthday, so why not leave me the gift of a comment. Let me know about that special episode that helped you kick meth, leave the Republican Party, or whatever.

And thanks to those of you who offered suggestions for today's episode(s). I used ideas from Karl White, Reine Silverlight-Mallonee and King Rat to build this extravaganza. Thanks! (Sorry, Reine, I don't think they're ever going to get there.)

Hey, just noticed that Dan Piraro is talking about celebrity today too. I owe Dan a lot for getting this blog some attention in the early days. Thanks again, Dan.

The Internet's Down

Here's an episode that came to me while trying to wake up on a Saturday morning -- not a time that typically produces profound thoughts.



Friday should be an exciting day. It's both my birthday and the scheduled posting of the 200th episode. I haven't written it yet, and I'd like it to be special -- so I'm open to suggestions. What's your favorite kind of episode? Is there something in the news I haven't covered but should have? Do you have a personal story you're willing to risk having Brad and Lily discuss? Please leave a comment and help me make the 200th one of the best ever.

Epileptic Gender Confusion

This story made me think of that Shania Twain song "I Feel Like a Woman." How does she normally feel? Is she playing "The Crying Game" with us?



BTW -- if you've never seen the movie "The Crying Game" and want to IMDB it because you don't get the reference, be wary of a pretty big spoiler.

Eyes Up, Buster

Another scientific study that causes me to have deep respect for the writer of the grant proposal.



A lot of times I'll throw in a photo here to illustrate the story -- but I'm sure you'll be able to find an appropriate illustration somewhere online without my help.

Lamborghini Gallardo Hybrid

It's slated for introduction in the 2015 model year. Sometimes the wife asks if I have a five-year plan. Now I have an answer for her.



Now all I have to do is keep my Saturn Ion running until then. Here's the object of my lust.

Porn Star Groom, Cavalia and Bike Rack Etiquette

Here's an episode just for those of you suffering from ADHD. Three half-baked ideas jammed into one half-assed episode.



Smooth transitions are highly overrated. I thought this was going to be lame, but I actually laughed harder at the playback than I have in a long time. I have no idea why.

An extended script for the Cavalia section can be found at the fan page on Facebook. There's a link over to the right.

Speaking of fandom, have I mentioned lately that I'm a big fan of Dan Piraro, his comic Bizarro, and his blog, BizarroBlog? No? Well I am.

Microsoft Weather

Here's another episode that's not going to help me get a sponsorship from Microsoft.



The actual plan Bill's group is working on is to prevent hurricanes by lowering the surface temperature of the water in the Gulf of Mexico. They would have a huge flotilla of ships that would pump cold water from the bottom up to the surface.

Of course, he blatantly stole this idea from David Byrne of the Talking Heads, as expressed in these lyrics from "Once in a Lifetime," from the album Remain in Light.

"Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!"

Gates wants to fund this project by selling hurricane insurance. If he makes another gabillion dollars holding the gulf coast states hostage to the threat of hurricanes, I think David Byrne is entitled to a cut of the action.

As with the Double Arm Transplant episode, if you have another example of a quirk of Microsoft Weather, we'd like to see it in the comments.

By the way (BTW), after looking up those lyrics to make sure I remembered them correctly, I had to blast "The Great Curve" -- my favorite song ever. The world does move on a woman's hips.

A Man's Bra

You'd think I would know Brad pretty well by now, but he still has the ability to surprise me.



Here's a picture of the bra for men offered by this Japanese company. Sexy! But I think this color might show through a white business shirt. Maybe that's the idea. I don't know. WTF!

Elevator Erotica

Here's another SEO titled episode. It's amazing to me how much traffic I get from search engines when the episode title contains words like "porn" and "sex." Even more surprising is how much traffic I get from people looking for a picture of the Lamborghini Gallardo.



Since I missed a few days, I decided not to wait until Monday to post this -- hence the rare Saturday posting.

You might notice on the right, in my list of sites, there's a new blog. Do not be tempted to go there. Seriously, I'm not doing some reverse psychology trick on you. I really don't think you should go there. Unless you also work in the field of corporate communications, you'll find my ramblings about effective communications strategies profoundly uninteresting. You'll just be bored and end up hating me.

But if that kind of thing does interest you, feel free to check it out. You might want to wait about a week for me to get a few more postings up -- there's not much there yet. But you can critique the name if you like.

Speaking of the Lambo Gallardo, someone has made a pair of pumps inspired by my dream ride. If I was stuck in an elevator with a woman wearing a pair of these, it would probably be too much for me to handle. As the picture illustrates, they are literally smokin' hot.

iPhone Entrepreneurs

This could be the best episode ever. But I doubt it. I didn't have an idea all day and then threw this together right before bed. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that. I hope you enjoy it.



It's based on a real news story that made me jealous of an eleven-year-old. I'm not a bitter old man. I'm not.

I'll probably be taking some time off for the fourth. See you on Monday. Have a great weekend. Don't blow off any fingers.