I have a new blog! If you like Deadpan Inc. and can also read, you might enjoy The Continuing Adventures of Sheldon Ashbury. Check it out, and if you enjoy it, tell all your friends on MySpace.
Here's another largely unseen episode from the archives, but don't forget to visit the new blog!
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Shaving Accident
Here's another news item from Florida. I'm actually in Florida as I write this, working with some local guys that in no way live up to the stereotype set by some of the stories I've covered previously.
Please allow me this blatant bit of content-relevant SEO: pussy shaving. I feel more than a little dirty doing that, but you know it's going to boost my page views.
Please allow me this blatant bit of content-relevant SEO: pussy shaving. I feel more than a little dirty doing that, but you know it's going to boost my page views.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Take Your Child to Work
Haven't heard anything in the news lately that has inspired me, until this story came along. Not that there hasn't been idiocy in the news. Repubs trying to make a simple application of a Senate rule sound like an unnatural sex act. Making bills passed by both houses match up so they can get a simple majority vote and become law??!! Reconciliation??!! Our legislative branch actually making laws??!! OMG!!!
Sorry. Enjoy this fine episode.
Just a few more things about health insurance reform. First, it's not health care reform, it's health insurance reform. And second, don't show me polls that say most people don't want this reform. Other polls show most people want everything that's in this reform. There's a reason our founding fathers didn't set up our laws to be made by public referendum. Sometimes the public wets itself and says stupid shit to manipulative poll takers.
Sorry. Enjoy this fine episode.
Just a few more things about health insurance reform. First, it's not health care reform, it's health insurance reform. And second, don't show me polls that say most people don't want this reform. Other polls show most people want everything that's in this reform. There's a reason our founding fathers didn't set up our laws to be made by public referendum. Sometimes the public wets itself and says stupid shit to manipulative poll takers.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Lap Dances for Haiti
I actually respect these people for trying to help out.
All kinds of corporations (oil companies, tobacco companies, etc.) try to burnish their images by giving to charity. Why shouldn't a strip club? I guess they have been trying to do something like this for years, but no charity wanted to be associated with them. But in this case, the International Services for Hope charity welcomed their money.
This gives me a good chance to mention that even though it's not it the news that much anymore, they still need our help in Haiti. I'm pretty sure you can still text HAITI to 90999 to contribute $10 to the Red Cross. It's cheaper, and actually makes you feel better, than a lap dance.
I love how the YouTube thumbnail caught Brad in the act of making air quotes.
All kinds of corporations (oil companies, tobacco companies, etc.) try to burnish their images by giving to charity. Why shouldn't a strip club? I guess they have been trying to do something like this for years, but no charity wanted to be associated with them. But in this case, the International Services for Hope charity welcomed their money.
This gives me a good chance to mention that even though it's not it the news that much anymore, they still need our help in Haiti. I'm pretty sure you can still text HAITI to 90999 to contribute $10 to the Red Cross. It's cheaper, and actually makes you feel better, than a lap dance.
I love how the YouTube thumbnail caught Brad in the act of making air quotes.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Lotion Bandit
This episode practically wrote itself. It's one of those cases where the true story is funny enough that you don't have to do much more than just tell it. Enjoy.
I do really wonder what this guy was thinking. Was he planning on renting one of those kiosks and setting up his own business there at the mall, where he could just wander over to Bath & Body Works whenever he needed to replenish his stock? If so, you have to admire the creative entrepreneurial thinking of the guy.
I do really wonder what this guy was thinking. Was he planning on renting one of those kiosks and setting up his own business there at the mall, where he could just wander over to Bath & Body Works whenever he needed to replenish his stock? If so, you have to admire the creative entrepreneurial thinking of the guy.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The "My Way" Murders
Hard-core karaoke in the Philippines.
From what I can gather from my research (the New York Times article I read) here are the factors that contributed to this social phenomenon:
1. There are about a million illegal guns in the Philippines.
2. For economic reasons, many Filipino wives have to work out of the country as maids in wealthier countries, leaving a lot of lonely guys at home with nothing to do but go out to the karaoke bars.
3. The country is crazy for karaoke--you can't go to a public gathering without someone breaking out the karaoke machine.
4. There are strict rules for karaoke there (you must not laugh while someone is singing, you must not sing a song already sung by someone else), and breaking the rules can start a fight.
5. Singing "My Way" makes you look like an arrogant ass.
So there, you learned something today. You're welcome.
As a special treat, here's a great version of "My Way" by the original artist.
From what I can gather from my research (the New York Times article I read) here are the factors that contributed to this social phenomenon:
1. There are about a million illegal guns in the Philippines.
2. For economic reasons, many Filipino wives have to work out of the country as maids in wealthier countries, leaving a lot of lonely guys at home with nothing to do but go out to the karaoke bars.
3. The country is crazy for karaoke--you can't go to a public gathering without someone breaking out the karaoke machine.
4. There are strict rules for karaoke there (you must not laugh while someone is singing, you must not sing a song already sung by someone else), and breaking the rules can start a fight.
5. Singing "My Way" makes you look like an arrogant ass.
So there, you learned something today. You're welcome.
As a special treat, here's a great version of "My Way" by the original artist.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Don't Ask, Don't Tell, da Vinci
Leanardo da Vinci invented some kick-ass military weapons. He also might have been gay.
Here's that painting they found that could be the R-rated version of the Mona Lisa. Should I have marked this post NSFW? Oh well, deal with it.
I'll bet that if da Vinci did paint his face on a woman's body, his contemporaries would have thought it was just a goof, like when Milton Berle wore a dress on TV in the fifties. They would crack up if they saw it being treated as serious art.
Here's that painting they found that could be the R-rated version of the Mona Lisa. Should I have marked this post NSFW? Oh well, deal with it.
I'll bet that if da Vinci did paint his face on a woman's body, his contemporaries would have thought it was just a goof, like when Milton Berle wore a dress on TV in the fifties. They would crack up if they saw it being treated as serious art.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Banned Dictionaries
I must thank Facebook fan Leigh Erskine (if that is his real name) for suggesting the topic of this episode. Leigh, feel free to reward yourself with a snazzy (and quite reasonably priced) Deadpan Inc. hoodie in the swag store. You deserve it!
I think the funniest part of this story is the "sexually graphic" entry that bothered these school officials was "oral stimulation of the genitals." Not nearly as descriptive as it could be, and not really all that helpful. I would think that if kids need to look up "oral sex," it's the "oral" part of the phrase that's tripping them up. They probably already know "sex" has something to do with the naughty bits.
Sure, I guess the kids could stumble on the definition while looking up "oracle" or "orange." With that in mind, teachers should probably avoid using "cunning" as a vocabulary word.
I think the funniest part of this story is the "sexually graphic" entry that bothered these school officials was "oral stimulation of the genitals." Not nearly as descriptive as it could be, and not really all that helpful. I would think that if kids need to look up "oral sex," it's the "oral" part of the phrase that's tripping them up. They probably already know "sex" has something to do with the naughty bits.
Sure, I guess the kids could stumble on the definition while looking up "oracle" or "orange." With that in mind, teachers should probably avoid using "cunning" as a vocabulary word.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Full Body Scans
I'm with Brad on this one. I'm much more concerned about the government tapping my phone and tracking my web surfing than I am about some bored TSA employee taking a peek inside my Haynes boxer-briefs. (To my lady-friends, regarding that mental image...you're welcome.)
This script could have gone on for several more minutes. I'll post the additional script at the fanpage on Facebook. There's a link to the right, if you'd like to go there. But if you do go there, you have to click "Become a Fan." It's the only way to protect your identity from the Nigerian scammers who administer my page. See you there.
Oh, and here's a picture of Kelly Ripa for those who don't know who Brad is talking about. She looks nice. (She's the one on the right.) Don't make eye contact with the cat--it'll steal your soul.
Wow, I never noticed those guns before. Do they test for 'roids at ABC? I'm not really a big fan--though she is a cutey--I just thought she'd be a quirky choice for Brad.
This script could have gone on for several more minutes. I'll post the additional script at the fanpage on Facebook. There's a link to the right, if you'd like to go there. But if you do go there, you have to click "Become a Fan." It's the only way to protect your identity from the Nigerian scammers who administer my page. See you there.
Oh, and here's a picture of Kelly Ripa for those who don't know who Brad is talking about. She looks nice. (She's the one on the right.) Don't make eye contact with the cat--it'll steal your soul.
Wow, I never noticed those guns before. Do they test for 'roids at ABC? I'm not really a big fan--though she is a cutey--I just thought she'd be a quirky choice for Brad.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Dirty Tricks
Yet another celebrity divorce was reported last week. Sad. If this guy can't make a marriage work, what hope do the rest of us have?
Just to be clear, I couldn't care less if he is gay and is finally discarding his beard to pursue his forbidden love. Good for him. But I'm disgusted by the hypocrisy of gay Republicans who fight gay marriage and demonize gay people just win elections. (And there are more than just a few of them.) And--legal disclaimer here--I have no evidence or opinion about Mr. Rove's sexual proclivities. Any implications here are purely rhetorical musings and not expressions of fact.
If you're curious, here is the article that caught Lily's eye. It was by The Frisky, but actually posted on CNN.com.
If you missed last week's New Year's Surprise II episode, you might want to check it out. Era especial.
Just to be clear, I couldn't care less if he is gay and is finally discarding his beard to pursue his forbidden love. Good for him. But I'm disgusted by the hypocrisy of gay Republicans who fight gay marriage and demonize gay people just win elections. (And there are more than just a few of them.) And--legal disclaimer here--I have no evidence or opinion about Mr. Rove's sexual proclivities. Any implications here are purely rhetorical musings and not expressions of fact.
If you're curious, here is the article that caught Lily's eye. It was by The Frisky, but actually posted on CNN.com.
If you missed last week's New Year's Surprise II episode, you might want to check it out. Era especial.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year's Surprise II
Last New Year's Day episode was done in French because it just felt right for the situation. I'm not sure if that went over well, but I thought I'd try to come up with a suitable sequel anyway. This time, I went with the style of a telenovela mexicana. Enjoy.
As with last year's, I created this under the not-insignificant handicap of not speaking the language. I used an online translation program, so this could be a really bad translation--or a really awesome replication of telenovela dialog. Hopefully someone who speaks Spanish will let me know if I came close.
Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 treats us all a little better than 2009 did.
As with last year's, I created this under the not-insignificant handicap of not speaking the language. I used an online translation program, so this could be a really bad translation--or a really awesome replication of telenovela dialog. Hopefully someone who speaks Spanish will let me know if I came close.
Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 treats us all a little better than 2009 did.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Butt Sniffer Manhunt
Here's another true story that can't be ignored.
I saw the security camera footage of this incident and it's very strange. The guy spent about ten minutes trying to get a good whiff, pretending to reach for products on the lower shelves nearby, and not even being discreet about it. Very bizarre. But I did wonder what law they were going to use once they caught the guy. That convenient catch-all "disorderly conduct"? Do they have that in England?
I saw the security camera footage of this incident and it's very strange. The guy spent about ten minutes trying to get a good whiff, pretending to reach for products on the lower shelves nearby, and not even being discreet about it. Very bizarre. But I did wonder what law they were going to use once they caught the guy. That convenient catch-all "disorderly conduct"? Do they have that in England?
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tiger's Transgressions
I had hoped to get around to doing a few episodes over the weekend, but I got laid low by a wicked toothache. Nothing seems funny when all you can think about is using a rock and the blade of an ice skate to knock that throbbing demon out of your mouth. (I totally get that scene in Castaway now.) Anyway, I'm still in a little pain, so I have no idea if this is funny or not. I just want to know when I'll be able to chew again.
Too bad for Lily, the going price on a mistress' story takes a steep drop once the number of mistresses gets into double figures.
Too bad for Lily, the going price on a mistress' story takes a steep drop once the number of mistresses gets into double figures.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Lucid Dreaming IV
The Lucid Dreaming series of last year was popular, so here's another installment. If you'd like to check out the others in this series, go to Lucid Dreaming, Lucid Dreaming II and Lucid Dreaming III. Enjoy.
And just for easy reference, here are some pictures of Rihanna. She looks nice.
And just for easy reference, here are some pictures of Rihanna. She looks nice.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Beefeaters
Actually, the formal name of this group is the Yeomen Warders of Her Majesty's Royal Palace and Fortress the Tower of London, not to be confused with the Yeomen of the Guard, a completely separate organization. Confusing those two will mark you as a complete moron. I learned that from Wikipedia. Speaking of which, feel free to turn "What am I, Wikipedia?" into the hot new catch-phrase. Saying that will mark you as a hip, cool follower of Deadpan Inc. to those in the know.
Here's a photo of Moira Cameron, the first female Yeoman of the Guard in their 1,000-year history. Seriously, dudes, couldn't you wait for the second female Beefeater before starting with the dirty talk? Way to sully history, Beefeaters.
Here's a photo of Moira Cameron, the first female Yeoman of the Guard in their 1,000-year history. Seriously, dudes, couldn't you wait for the second female Beefeater before starting with the dirty talk? Way to sully history, Beefeaters.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Rollercoaster Speed Dating
"So, what do you like to do...aaaaahhhh!...for fun? "
"I like to take long walks on the beeeeeeeeeeeach!"
"I like to take long walks on the beeeeeeeeeeeach!"
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Optimistic Mamma
This gal has found the key to popularity in her workplace. I wonder if they have an employee policy about this kind of thing.
What guy wouldn't want to raise a child he fathered with the cleaning lady he shared with five other inmates? It's like they all have a one-in-six chance of "winning."
What guy wouldn't want to raise a child he fathered with the cleaning lady he shared with five other inmates? It's like they all have a one-in-six chance of "winning."
Monday, October 5, 2009
Optimistic Mugger
You have to admire this guy's self confidence.
But if you think guys can be delusional in their relationships with the opposite sex, just wait until you see Wednesday's episode.
But if you think guys can be delusional in their relationships with the opposite sex, just wait until you see Wednesday's episode.
Friday, September 25, 2009
200th Episode: Who is Khloe Kardashian?
Wow. 200 episodes. Tremendous accomplishment, or tremendous waste of time? I can't decide. Maybe both. I hope you've been entertained by one or two of them. To celebrate, I'm offering up a special two-part episode. Enjoy.
To all of you who have encouraged me these past months, thanks. I means a lot to me to hear from you and know someone is out there enjoying my little hobby. Today is also my birthday, so why not leave me the gift of a comment. Let me know about that special episode that helped you kick meth, leave the Republican Party, or whatever.
And thanks to those of you who offered suggestions for today's episode(s). I used ideas from Karl White, Reine Silverlight-Mallonee and King Rat to build this extravaganza. Thanks! (Sorry, Reine, I don't think they're ever going to get there.)
Hey, just noticed that Dan Piraro is talking about celebrity today too. I owe Dan a lot for getting this blog some attention in the early days. Thanks again, Dan.
To all of you who have encouraged me these past months, thanks. I means a lot to me to hear from you and know someone is out there enjoying my little hobby. Today is also my birthday, so why not leave me the gift of a comment. Let me know about that special episode that helped you kick meth, leave the Republican Party, or whatever.
And thanks to those of you who offered suggestions for today's episode(s). I used ideas from Karl White, Reine Silverlight-Mallonee and King Rat to build this extravaganza. Thanks! (Sorry, Reine, I don't think they're ever going to get there.)
Hey, just noticed that Dan Piraro is talking about celebrity today too. I owe Dan a lot for getting this blog some attention in the early days. Thanks again, Dan.
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