The "My Way" Murders

Hard-core karaoke in the Philippines.



From what I can gather from my research (the New York Times article I read) here are the factors that contributed to this social phenomenon:

1. There are about a million illegal guns in the Philippines.
2. For economic reasons, many Filipino wives have to work out of the country as maids in wealthier countries, leaving a lot of lonely guys at home with nothing to do but go out to the karaoke bars.
3. The country is crazy for karaoke--you can't go to a public gathering without someone breaking out the karaoke machine.
4. There are strict rules for karaoke there (you must not laugh while someone is singing, you must not sing a song already sung by someone else), and breaking the rules can start a fight.
5. Singing "My Way" makes you look like an arrogant ass.

So there, you learned something today. You're welcome.

As a special treat, here's a great version of "My Way" by the original artist.

Lucid Dreaming IV

The Lucid Dreaming series of last year was popular, so here's another installment. If you'd like to check out the others in this series, go to Lucid Dreaming, Lucid Dreaming II and Lucid Dreaming III. Enjoy.



And just for easy reference, here are some pictures of Rihanna. She looks nice.

Elvis Hair

Too soon?

Phil Can't Drum

Yay! Technical problem finally figured out. A new episode for your enjoyment. Was it worth the wait? I've been waiting so long to post this, it's hard for me to say. Nothing is really funny after the eleventh viewing.

Technical Difficulties II

While waiting for my problems publishing new Deadpan Inc. clips to be resolved, I offer you this cool little song by Kate Micucci. Enjoy.



The director, Raul B. Fernandez, is a recent film school grad who's just getting started. Nice job, Raul.

Life Sentence for Music Theft

I wonder if this guy is fully aware that he's doing life for something millions of teenagers do every day. Ha ha, scumbag idiot.



Heh, heh -- she said "penal." Sorry, just a little Beavus and Butthead flashback there.

Microsoft Weather

Here's another episode that's not going to help me get a sponsorship from Microsoft.



The actual plan Bill's group is working on is to prevent hurricanes by lowering the surface temperature of the water in the Gulf of Mexico. They would have a huge flotilla of ships that would pump cold water from the bottom up to the surface.

Of course, he blatantly stole this idea from David Byrne of the Talking Heads, as expressed in these lyrics from "Once in a Lifetime," from the album Remain in Light.

"Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!"

Gates wants to fund this project by selling hurricane insurance. If he makes another gabillion dollars holding the gulf coast states hostage to the threat of hurricanes, I think David Byrne is entitled to a cut of the action.

As with the Double Arm Transplant episode, if you have another example of a quirk of Microsoft Weather, we'd like to see it in the comments.

By the way (BTW), after looking up those lyrics to make sure I remembered them correctly, I had to blast "The Great Curve" -- my favorite song ever. The world does move on a woman's hips.

Michael Jackson, RIP?

Yes, it is too early to joke about the death of the King of Pop. But it's never to early to joke about some people's reaction to the news.



There's actually a video online now that supposedly shows MJ sitting up in the body bag in the helicopter on the trip from the hospital to the morgue. It's grainy and there's just a glimpse of movement in just a few frames that could easily just be someone moving the body -- but it's indisputable truth that he's still alive!

Unfortunately, this conspiracy theory has the same problem that the conspiracy to frame OJ had -- it would require the participation of hundreds of people who had no motive to support the conspiracy. For example, how would you deal with the ER staff? How would the conspirators know who's going to be on duty that day? Would they pay off the entire staff of the hospital ER? And none of those employees would get the idea that they could make even more money blowing the whistle to the National Enquirer?

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I think all conspiracy theories are bunk. I'm sure there's more to the JFK assassination than what was in the Warren Report. But there, we're talking about the CIA, not the entourage of a pop star.

Zicam Recall

Welcome back to the work week. Hope you had a nice weekend.



If you're not familiar with the Garfunkel and Oates mentioned in the clip, you should be. Their names, respectively, are Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci, and they're great. Riki is tall and Kate is from the future. They are kind of like Flight of the Conchords if Brett and Jermaine were adorable American women. They just got a little bit of fame for their pro-gay-marriage-rights song Sex with Ducks. Here's a bit of their earlier work that's a lot of fun. Enjoy.



Hey, it's Daughter Stratton's birthday today! Wish her a Happy Birthday! She's a good kid.

Movie Madness: A Flash of Danger

Continuing Movie Madness week, Brad has yet another winning movie idea. Don't worry, odd news coverage will be back next week.



The film concept expressed in the clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. Producers should contact Mr. Stratton directly with offers. ScarJo should do likewise.

Movie Madness: The Littlest Bride

I'm a little worried I'm going to get in trouble for this one. I think you could be arrested for just imagining this movie. The FBI are going to break down my door any minute now. I hope they'll let me post from prison.



The movie concept in this clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. Don't even think of ripping this off, Spielberg.

Mormon Crickets

Finishing the week strong. I think you'll like this one, unless you are a Mormon. Then you might not. But please don't be angry. I'm just kidding. Lighten up! Don't make an overwrought commercial about the "gathering storm" of Deadpan Inc. I'm not worth it. Concentrate on your commendable mission work feeding the poor and healing the sick.



Here's a picture of a Mormon cricket for your reference. Look at the thighs on that sucker.


Have a good weekend everyone. See you on Monday.

The Worst Band

Let the debate begin. Who do you think is the worst band in the world?



I thought about not using the name of one of the bands mentioned here -- I didn't want to risk giving them any publicity. But then I thought that there probably aren't many Deadpan Inc. fans that are going to suddenly become fans of hate-pop-folk music just because I mentioned a band name.

Here's something scary -- I almost knew all the Spice Girls from memory. I thought Ginger was Cinnamon, but I knew the others. I sat through their movie with Daughter Stratton, and in spite of the excuse to spend 90 minutes looking at attractive young women, it wasn't much fun for me. But when the lights came up, Daughter Stratton looked me in the eye and said with all earnestness, "That was the best movie ever." She was 18 at the time.

Feel free to leave your suggestion for the worst band in the world in a comment below.

Diddy Twittered Tantric Sex

I'm posting Monday's episode a little early this week. Enjoy.



Think of all the layers of explanation this would require. Who is Diddy? Why is he famous? What is twittering? Why do people do that? What is tantric sex? How do you know about such things? What is happening to this world?

Martha My Dear

Like many episodes, this one started on a mundane news item about Martha Washington and ended up somewhere unexpected -- even for me. I'm not even sure I "write" these things. It's more like "channeling."



Tell me you don't flash back to Mad About You when you see these two together.

Sting Hates Roxanne

Here's something that's been on my mind since the eighties.



This probably goes without saying, but if you know Sting, or know someone who knows Sting, please do not forward this episode. The last thing I need now is to have Sting pissed at me.

Blind Man: Musician Challenge Winners

I have to admit, I would have liked to receive more responses to the Blind Man musician challenge. Three would have been awesome. Maybe I overestimated the appeal of lyrics about beating up a blind man. Some people just don't get irony. But quality trumps quantity any day. These outstanding submissions are presented in the order in which they were submitted.

First up is Brian Day of Wilmette, Illinois. Brian Day kicks ass. Brian is easily one of my top three favorite guys who are married to one of my wife's sisters.

Next up is Martin Fisher of San Diego, California. You might want to drop some X and snap some glow sticks before hitting play on this one.

Two great entries -- I really can't choose one winner. So thanks to the generosity of our sponsor, Deadpan Inc. will be awarding both Brian and Martin a Grand Prize: the 2009 Lamborghini Gallardo* -- the orange model shown below.


Did I forget to mention there was a prize? Sorry. But if you need some kind of "prize" to motivate you, what kind of artist are you, anyway?

Maybe at this point you're thinking, "Dammit! I recorded a version of Blind Man and forgot to send it in! I can't believe I missed the deadline!"

Or, "Dammit! I can't believe those songs won! I could do much better than them!"

Or, "Dammit! If you won't do what's necessary to get the information we need from this terrorist, I will!"

That last one only applies to Jack Bauer -- I don't know how that got in there. But if either of the first two applies to you, feel free to go ahead and send me your version of Blind Man and I'll post it with the others. You're too late to win the Gallardo, but not too late to blow us away with your succulent chops. And if you're tempted to just leave a snarky comment about one of these efforts, remember -- each one is 10,000% better than what you sent in.

See you Monday. Be kind to blind people.

*I'm kidding. I would never enter into a sponsorship deal with a foreign car company.

American Idol

Yeah, I watch it. Well, my wife watches it and I tend to be in the room when it's on.



I wonder if Simon has ever seen the Japanese horror movie The Audition. Its tag line is "She always gets a part." It might prompt him to be gentler with the more delusional singers.

Speaking of singing -- just three days left in the Blind Man Musician Challenge. (See last Tuesday's posting.) Everyone is looking forward to hearing your contribution.

Blind Man: Musician Challenge

This post was based on an experience I had a few years ago. I was on a platform waiting for a train, and a blind man was there, also waiting. From the way he was standing, it looked like he was staring at me. My initial stupid thought was: why is he staring at me? On second thought, I realized, of course, that he wasn't staring at anything. But if I had been crazy...



Are you a musician who would like to put those lyrics to music? Please, go for it. I encourage you to record and perform this song under a Creative Commons Attribution license, which basically means you can do what you want with these lyrics as long as you give me credit. The full lyrics are posted in the comments section.

I just have two requests regarding your use of the lyrics. First, make the best of what I've given you -- no rewriting, deletions or additions. If you absolutely must do some minor rephrasing to fit your melody, that's okay, but try to avoid any substantive changes. Second, make your creation available to the Deadpan Inc. audience. Post your song on a third party site, preferably one that enables an embedded player, like YouTube, and send me the link. If anyone takes the bait, I'll post all the songs on a special weekend edition on January 24.

Even if you're not a musician, feel free to use Microsoft Songsmith. (It's new a program that automatically puts "music" behind anything you sing into your microphone.) Use any genre of music you like: punk, metal, rap, country, folk, emo, techno...whatever. We'd all love to hear it. If you know a musician who might be into this, please forward this posting.

Are you up to the challenge? Do you have the musical chops to turn "Blind Man" into the next "Single Ladies"? Bring it.

One more thing -- if you ever make any serious money off this song (talkin' to you, Kanye), I would appreciate a fair 50% cut of the royalties. You're under no legal obligation to do that, but it would be darn nice of you.

Update: In just over 24 hours, the first entry arrived. Better get started on yours, doncha think?

Merry Christmas

The Deadpan Inc. offices are closed today, so instead I offer you this cool little gem I unearthed. Enjoy.