Shaving Accident

Here's another news item from Florida. I'm actually in Florida as I write this, working with some local guys that in no way live up to the stereotype set by some of the stories I've covered previously.



Please allow me this blatant bit of content-relevant SEO: pussy shaving. I feel more than a little dirty doing that, but you know it's going to boost my page views.

Lap Dances for Haiti

I actually respect these people for trying to help out.



All kinds of corporations (oil companies, tobacco companies, etc.) try to burnish their images by giving to charity. Why shouldn't a strip club? I guess they have been trying to do something like this for years, but no charity wanted to be associated with them. But in this case, the International Services for Hope charity welcomed their money.

This gives me a good chance to mention that even though it's not it the news that much anymore, they still need our help in Haiti. I'm pretty sure you can still text HAITI to 90999 to contribute $10 to the Red Cross. It's cheaper, and actually makes you feel better, than a lap dance.

I love how the YouTube thumbnail caught Brad in the act of making air quotes.

The "My Way" Murders

Hard-core karaoke in the Philippines.



From what I can gather from my research (the New York Times article I read) here are the factors that contributed to this social phenomenon:

1. There are about a million illegal guns in the Philippines.
2. For economic reasons, many Filipino wives have to work out of the country as maids in wealthier countries, leaving a lot of lonely guys at home with nothing to do but go out to the karaoke bars.
3. The country is crazy for karaoke--you can't go to a public gathering without someone breaking out the karaoke machine.
4. There are strict rules for karaoke there (you must not laugh while someone is singing, you must not sing a song already sung by someone else), and breaking the rules can start a fight.
5. Singing "My Way" makes you look like an arrogant ass.

So there, you learned something today. You're welcome.

As a special treat, here's a great version of "My Way" by the original artist.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, da Vinci

Leanardo da Vinci invented some kick-ass military weapons. He also might have been gay.



Here's that painting they found that could be the R-rated version of the Mona Lisa. Should I have marked this post NSFW? Oh well, deal with it.


I'll bet that if da Vinci did paint his face on a woman's body, his contemporaries would have thought it was just a goof, like when Milton Berle wore a dress on TV in the fifties. They would crack up if they saw it being treated as serious art.

The All-American Basketball Alliance

An all-white basketball league. Seriously?



The guy who wants to start this league, Don "Moose" Lewis, uses the example Gilbert Arenas' suspension for pulling a gun in the locker room as an example of the problem with "street basketball." I'm going to go out on a limb and assume Moose is a staunch supporter of stricter gun control legislation.

Got to give props to Lily for her basketball knowledge. Here's a picture of Luc Longley, a member of the first legendary Bulls "three-peat" championship team, sitting next to an unidentified player. These are the kind of guys Moose doesn't want to see on the court. Good luck with that, Moose.

Beefeaters

Actually, the formal name of this group is the Yeomen Warders of Her Majesty's Royal Palace and Fortress the Tower of London, not to be confused with the Yeomen of the Guard, a completely separate organization. Confusing those two will mark you as a complete moron. I learned that from Wikipedia. Speaking of which, feel free to turn "What am I, Wikipedia?" into the hot new catch-phrase. Saying that will mark you as a hip, cool follower of Deadpan Inc. to those in the know.



Here's a photo of Moira Cameron, the first female Yeoman of the Guard in their 1,000-year history. Seriously, dudes, couldn't you wait for the second female Beefeater before starting with the dirty talk? Way to sully history, Beefeaters.

Technical Difficulties II

While waiting for my problems publishing new Deadpan Inc. clips to be resolved, I offer you this cool little song by Kate Micucci. Enjoy.



The director, Raul B. Fernandez, is a recent film school grad who's just getting started. Nice job, Raul.

French Words

Why are the French so protective of their language? True, it is a beautiful language. Are they worried that if it gets watered down with English words, it won't be as useful in seducing tourists?



I'm surprised Brad didn't go with "crescent roll." I had high hopes for this one, but the ending feels weak. C'est la vie. Feel free to leave a comment with your own suggestion for Americanizing a French word used by English speakers.

Cirque du Espace

Here's an episode especially for my French Canadian friends. I know it sounds like I'm making fun of the Cirque folks, but I'm actually a fan.



I finished this and then realized Lily should have been referring to Cosmonauts, not Astronauts. Oh well, too late now.

Want to see the inspiration for one of the lines? Check out this clip. Elena Lev. I love her. This is some bad-ass hula hoop work. If you don't think hula hoop can be bad-ass, you haven't seen Elena. Look at her face when she starts: "Yeah, I'm working a hula hoop. STFU."

A Pervy Cat

You can always count on stupid criminals to deliver choice material. I would have liked to see the police interrogators trying to keep a straight face as this guy told his story.



Did you play along with Lily? If you guessed right, leave a comment to brag about it. And leave a comment if you guessed wrong -- you have some explaining to do. It wasn't that hard, was it?

Gender Neutral Child

Those wacky Swedes!



I believe this is the longest Deadpan Inc. episode ever. And the shortest blog post.

Life Sentence for Music Theft

I wonder if this guy is fully aware that he's doing life for something millions of teenagers do every day. Ha ha, scumbag idiot.



Heh, heh -- she said "penal." Sorry, just a little Beavus and Butthead flashback there.

A Man's Bra

You'd think I would know Brad pretty well by now, but he still has the ability to surprise me.



Here's a picture of the bra for men offered by this Japanese company. Sexy! But I think this color might show through a white business shirt. Maybe that's the idea. I don't know. WTF!

Palin Resigns!

To paraphrase Richard Nixon after he lost to JFK, we won't have Sarah Palin to kick around anymore. Right.



I was a Hoosier growing up, so I can't help but know a little bit about basketball. In her resignation speech she said, "A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win." She must have been the worst point guard ever. When driving through a full-court press, you don't keep your eye on the basket. You keep your eye out for an open teammate. How does keeping your eye on the basket let you know when to pass? She can't even make a decent sports analogy.

You know who must be most upset by this development? Mike Huckabee. Can Fox support two shows hosted by Republican ex-governors? If she does get a show on Fox, I hope she takes a cue from Ellen and dances to her theme music. That would rock.

Here's my favorite picture of her right now. Is that proper flag etiquette?

Take Your Gun to Church

Uh-oh. I'm bracing myself for subscribers dropping me, Facebook fans deserting me, and family members shaking their heads in disappointment. I'll probably even lose that juicy sponsorship deal with Vibram. Oh well.



Before you get too upset, let me set the record straight that I don't have a problem with people who follow Jesus, or any religious choice, as long as they have love in their hearts. And I certainly don't have a problem with people who have patriotic pride in the USA. I don't even have that much of a problem with people who have a fetish for their guns and are avid defenders of their interpretation of the 2nd Amendment. (I may not share their opinions but I try to respect and tolerate their point of view.) I just think it's funny that some people think those three things all go together like football, chicken wings and beer.

It's interesting to me that the gun rights people point out that the founding fathers wanted us all to have arms so that we could overthrow the federal government if it started doing things we didn't like. But usually those are the same people who hate hippies and liberals for protesting a war our government is waging. Apparently, if the need arises, shooting and killing fellow citizens who work for the government would be okay, but God forbid you burn a flag. That would be crossing the line.

Seriously, the whole gun rights issue boils down to this simple idea: If Bob, your next door neighbor who works for the feds, shows up at your door one day asking for your gun, you should have the right to shoot him in the face. Is that what Jesus would do? I'm just sayin'...there seems to be a disconnect there. (I might have to take back that statement of trying to respect their point of view.)

Spaceport America

Here's another real news item. Brad is concerned. Perhaps rightfully so.



Here's an artist's rendering of the planned spaceport. How could a space alien resist this?


And where is this being built? New Mexico! Here's Governor Bill Richardson celebrating with Sir Richard Branson. Bill has a plan. Soon enough, Mexican aliens will be the least of our worries.

Italian Models

Last week I asked DI fans to challenge me by submitting two unrelated topics that I would have to combine into a single episode. Frequent commenter Red Pill Junkie came through with two such news stories. Here's what I did with them.



Simply linking the two stories wasn't that tough. The real challenge was doing that while maintaining my high standards of semi-funny comedy. I hope I succeeded.

Here's the alleged couple. The Prime Minister is 72 and the model is 18. By the commonly accepted European formula for calculating the ideal age of a mistress (divide the man's age by two and add six), Noemi is about 24 years too young for him. She's even too young for me. I'd tell you my ideal mistress age, but I'm afraid of my wife.


The script is in the comments.

Orgy Riot

Here's another interesting news item. I thought nudist colonies were supposed to be wholesome family retreats where people could enjoy a more natural communion with nature. I guess things are a little looser at The White Cockatoo.



I originally had a post about Sotomayor scheduled for today, but there were problems with the clip on YouTube. Look for that tomorrow.

Any Australian viewers want to clue us in on the meaning of "argy-bargy"? Is that really a common expression down there? If so, I'd like to popularize its use here in the civilized parts of the world.

Anyone else suspicious of Lily's knowledge of the location of the White Cockatoo? And is the White Cockatoo supposed to be a euphemism? I'd like to hear from someone from the resort. I'll try to send them an email and see if they respond.

UPDATE: One of the owners of The White Cockatoo responded. See the comment below. Since I exploited his business for my little comedy blog, I think it's only fair that I let him post all the resort contact info. But it shouldn't be construed an endorsement on my part -- I've never been there, and I'm not likely to go until my personal economy fully recovers (and I get a new wife who's a LOT less conservative). However, should a resort owner want to sponsor a visit by world-renowned blogger by covering my airfare, lodging and incidentals, I might be open to that. As a blogger, I'm not expected to avoid conflicts of interest the way actual reporters are, am I?

Cow Pee Pop

That's fun to say. Say it out loud with me. Cow pee pop. Say it again, three times fast. Cow pee pop, cow pee pop, cow pee pop. Now to the tune of the William Tell Overture. Cow pee pop, cow pee pop, cow pee pop pop pop. Uh oh, people are staring at you.



Hey, I think I may have hit on a way to monetize this blog. The product de-placement. That's where companies will pay me to not say bad things about their product. I get paid a fee every day I don't feature their crap. I think I'm on to something here.

Movie Madness: A Flash of Danger

Continuing Movie Madness week, Brad has yet another winning movie idea. Don't worry, odd news coverage will be back next week.



The film concept expressed in the clip is the intellectual property of David Stratton, all rights reserved. Producers should contact Mr. Stratton directly with offers. ScarJo should do likewise.