Foreign Accent Syndrome

Yeah, I know, it's been a while. But I've been really, really busy. New episodes of Breaking Bad are airing!

This was a half-baked idea I had bouncing around in my head for a long time and kind of forgot about it, and then I saw the story of the British woman suddenly talking with a Chinese accent and it came back to me. Enjoy.



Update: I found video of the lady in the news story. She's not talking in a Chinese accent any more; now it's sort of generic European.

Touchless Soap Dispenser

This seems to be a totally different subject, but it could be considered a sequel to last week's health care reform episode, which for some reason is getting 10x the normal number of YouTube views.



Don't get me wrong. I'm not a socialist, at least not all the time. Free-market capitalism is great for some things. If it weren't for free-market capitalism, we'd all still be toting around Commodore SX64s. Here's what that looks like:

I used to use a box like that to program multimedia shows. (I'm really old.) That open bay is for a second $400 170 KB floppy drive, which was handy for making back-up floppies. But I digress.

I'm glad capitalism drives so much innovation and creativity, most of the time. But when it comes to my health insurance, I'm not sure a corporate entity whose primary objective is maximizing ROI for the investment community has my best interests at heart. There it seems all the innovation and creativity goes into finding new ways to screw us.

Here's one of those nifty soap dispensers. Only thirty bucks (batteries not included). Note the handy built-in tray for catching the inevitable dribbles due to lack of hand/motion-sensor coordination.

The Fattest Woman

I started writing this about the woman who wants to eat her way over to over a thousand pounds, and I was going to have them talk about the consequences for her if she fails, the function for society that "the fattest man" and the "the fattest woman" serve in helping us feel better about our not-so-fat-after-all bodies, and what not. But then the idea took an entirely different turn for the better, I think. Enjoy.

Shaving Accident

Here's another news item from Florida. I'm actually in Florida as I write this, working with some local guys that in no way live up to the stereotype set by some of the stories I've covered previously.



Please allow me this blatant bit of content-relevant SEO: pussy shaving. I feel more than a little dirty doing that, but you know it's going to boost my page views.

Lotion Bandit

This episode practically wrote itself. It's one of those cases where the true story is funny enough that you don't have to do much more than just tell it. Enjoy.



I do really wonder what this guy was thinking. Was he planning on renting one of those kiosks and setting up his own business there at the mall, where he could just wander over to Bath & Body Works whenever he needed to replenish his stock? If so, you have to admire the creative entrepreneurial thinking of the guy.

The "My Way" Murders

Hard-core karaoke in the Philippines.



From what I can gather from my research (the New York Times article I read) here are the factors that contributed to this social phenomenon:

1. There are about a million illegal guns in the Philippines.
2. For economic reasons, many Filipino wives have to work out of the country as maids in wealthier countries, leaving a lot of lonely guys at home with nothing to do but go out to the karaoke bars.
3. The country is crazy for karaoke--you can't go to a public gathering without someone breaking out the karaoke machine.
4. There are strict rules for karaoke there (you must not laugh while someone is singing, you must not sing a song already sung by someone else), and breaking the rules can start a fight.
5. Singing "My Way" makes you look like an arrogant ass.

So there, you learned something today. You're welcome.

As a special treat, here's a great version of "My Way" by the original artist.

Banned Dictionaries

I must thank Facebook fan Leigh Erskine (if that is his real name) for suggesting the topic of this episode. Leigh, feel free to reward yourself with a snazzy (and quite reasonably priced) Deadpan Inc. hoodie in the swag store. You deserve it!



I think the funniest part of this story is the "sexually graphic" entry that bothered these school officials was "oral stimulation of the genitals." Not nearly as descriptive as it could be, and not really all that helpful. I would think that if kids need to look up "oral sex," it's the "oral" part of the phrase that's tripping them up. They probably already know "sex" has something to do with the naughty bits.

Sure, I guess the kids could stumble on the definition while looking up "oracle" or "orange." With that in mind, teachers should probably avoid using "cunning" as a vocabulary word.

The All-American Basketball Alliance

An all-white basketball league. Seriously?



The guy who wants to start this league, Don "Moose" Lewis, uses the example Gilbert Arenas' suspension for pulling a gun in the locker room as an example of the problem with "street basketball." I'm going to go out on a limb and assume Moose is a staunch supporter of stricter gun control legislation.

Got to give props to Lily for her basketball knowledge. Here's a picture of Luc Longley, a member of the first legendary Bulls "three-peat" championship team, sitting next to an unidentified player. These are the kind of guys Moose doesn't want to see on the court. Good luck with that, Moose.

Butt Sniffer Manhunt

Here's another true story that can't be ignored.



I saw the security camera footage of this incident and it's very strange. The guy spent about ten minutes trying to get a good whiff, pretending to reach for products on the lower shelves nearby, and not even being discreet about it. Very bizarre. But I did wonder what law they were going to use once they caught the guy. That convenient catch-all "disorderly conduct"? Do they have that in England?

Half a Man

I have a good feeling about this one. It's one of those that seemed to write itself and I just sat back laughing at what I was typing. Maybe I'm just tired and giddy.



Did you like it?

Esquire Technology

I still have a subscription to Esquire Magazine, solely for the "A Funny Joke Told by a Beautiful Woman" page. Though, to be honest, without Esquire, how would I know how to roll up my sleeves?



Seriously, do they focus group these ideas? Did anyone actually say to them, "You know what's missing in your magazine? The ability to wave it in front of a computer to launch web pages. That would be awesome." Is it just me, or do you get a hint of desperation in the face of the death of print media? I guess if I worked at a magazine, I'd be freaking out too.

Beefeaters

Actually, the formal name of this group is the Yeomen Warders of Her Majesty's Royal Palace and Fortress the Tower of London, not to be confused with the Yeomen of the Guard, a completely separate organization. Confusing those two will mark you as a complete moron. I learned that from Wikipedia. Speaking of which, feel free to turn "What am I, Wikipedia?" into the hot new catch-phrase. Saying that will mark you as a hip, cool follower of Deadpan Inc. to those in the know.



Here's a photo of Moira Cameron, the first female Yeoman of the Guard in their 1,000-year history. Seriously, dudes, couldn't you wait for the second female Beefeater before starting with the dirty talk? Way to sully history, Beefeaters.

Elvis Hair

Too soon?

Phil Can't Drum

Yay! Technical problem finally figured out. A new episode for your enjoyment. Was it worth the wait? I've been waiting so long to post this, it's hard for me to say. Nothing is really funny after the eleventh viewing.

Technical Difficulties II

While waiting for my problems publishing new Deadpan Inc. clips to be resolved, I offer you this cool little song by Kate Micucci. Enjoy.



The director, Raul B. Fernandez, is a recent film school grad who's just getting started. Nice job, Raul.

Rollercoaster Speed Dating

"So, what do you like to do...aaaaahhhh!...for fun? "

"I like to take long walks on the beeeeeeeeeeeach!"

Optimistic Mamma

This gal has found the key to popularity in her workplace. I wonder if they have an employee policy about this kind of thing.



What guy wouldn't want to raise a child he fathered with the cleaning lady he shared with five other inmates? It's like they all have a one-in-six chance of "winning."

Choose Your Apocalypse

I can go either way on this issue. It's a tough call.



If you're wondering about the eyelash treatment Brad mentions, you can check it out here. The site is full of warnings about being careful where you apply the stuff or else eyelashes will grow where you don't want them. I wouldn't want that anywhere near my eyes. I'd be worried some would get under my eyelid and then eyelashes would grow inside there and I'd walk around always feeling like I had an eyelash in my eye. That's the stuff of nightmares.

Of course, I have long, lush eyelashes, more so than any man needs or deserves, so it's hard for me to imagine the desperation of an eyelash-deprived woman. Maybe this is exactly where medical research dollars should be going. Never mind those unprofitable rare diseases that don't have a celebrity spokesmodel.

Optimistic Mugger

You have to admire this guy's self confidence.



But if you think guys can be delusional in their relationships with the opposite sex, just wait until you see Wednesday's episode.

Dumpster Party

I have trouble believing this story. Not that it happened, but that it happened in Kansas rather than Florida. Could this couple have moved from Florida to Kansas?



For those of you outside the U.S. who don't know who Glen Beck is, let me try to explain. He is a right-wing commentator on a faux "news" channel who believes the world is being run by a "New World Order" of a secret cabal of wealthy families who control liberal politicians and the mainstream media in order to turn the U.S. into a facist, socialist, communist state so they can...I've lost the train of thought. It's really hard to follow. He claims it's all in some book by another Mormon crackpot who was laughed out of the conservative movement decades ago. He is often moved to tears on national television about this nonsense.


It would all be completely laughable if people weren't showing up at Presidential events heavily armed. And for some reason, that's legal in this country. You can't bring a gun on a plane (yet), but you can bring loaded weapons to a Presidential address, no problem. To quote Yakov Smirnoff, "what a country."