Take Your Child to Work

Haven't heard anything in the news lately that has inspired me, until this story came along. Not that there hasn't been idiocy in the news. Repubs trying to make a simple application of a Senate rule sound like an unnatural sex act. Making bills passed by both houses match up so they can get a simple majority vote and become law??!! Reconciliation??!! Our legislative branch actually making laws??!! OMG!!!

Sorry. Enjoy this fine episode.



Just a few more things about health insurance reform. First, it's not health care reform, it's health insurance reform. And second, don't show me polls that say most people don't want this reform. Other polls show most people want everything that's in this reform. There's a reason our founding fathers didn't set up our laws to be made by public referendum. Sometimes the public wets itself and says stupid shit to manipulative poll takers.

New Year's Surprise II

Last New Year's Day episode was done in French because it just felt right for the situation. I'm not sure if that went over well, but I thought I'd try to come up with a suitable sequel anyway. This time, I went with the style of a telenovela mexicana. Enjoy.



As with last year's, I created this under the not-insignificant handicap of not speaking the language. I used an online translation program, so this could be a really bad translation--or a really awesome replication of telenovela dialog. Hopefully someone who speaks Spanish will let me know if I came close.

Happy New Year! Let's hope that 2010 treats us all a little better than 2009 did.

The Christmas Sweater

In the interest of full disclosure, I haven't read Glen Beck's maudlin autobiographical novel. And like virtually every other person on Earth, I didn't attend his live-beamed-to-movie-theaters dramatization of it. I gleaned all I needed from an online transcript of an interview he gave Don Imus.



The thing that really pissed me off about The Christmas Sweater is how he tried to turn it into a live-beamed-to-theaters event. I think the live-beamed-to-theaters medium offers a lot of potential, but using it for something as lame as TCS can't be good for future productions. It's like if the first rock band ever recorded was Boston, would the Beatles ever get a recording contract?

In closing, Glen Beck is an evil, disingenuous ass-clown pandering to a weak-minded, easily-manipulated, xenophobic audience.

Candy Bar Worms

Here's another charming episode best enjoyed after eating. Check your candy bars!



Here's the news clip. Watch at your own risk. Or click here if the embedded player doesn't work.

Zoorotica

Normally I don't publish an episode on Saturday, but since Monday's is Valentine's Day related I thought I'd publish it early. The next episode will be published on Tuesday.



Now if you're thinking, "Wouldn't it have been easier to just publish this one yesterday, and save the one you published yesterday for Monday?"...shut up.

Sugar Cookies

I think a lot of people will identify with this post-holiday sugar withdrawal. It's like we've spent the last month doing crack and now all the crack is gone and all that's left is celery sticks and baby carrots. By the way, did you know that baby carrots are a fraud? That's right, a fraud. They are whittled out of full sized carrots. Just so you know.



I've never been a clerk at a grocery or drug store, so I wonder if keeping a poker face when a customer acts weird and self-conscious about a purchase is part of the training. It would be really tempting to mess with people to relieve the boredom. "Does this jock itch ointment work pretty good? Aren't you just dying to run home and slather some on? I'll try to get you checked out as quickly as I can..."

New Year's Surprise

Something went horribly wrong with today's episode. I hope you'll still be able to get some enjoyment from it. We should be back to normal tomorrow.



The trickiest part of doing this one is that I don't speak French. Not at all. I used an online automated translator, so I have no idea if it's a good translation or not. They could be speaking gibberish for all I know. If you speak French, let me know if this makes sense.

Of course, the obvious question is, "Why?" I don't know.

Easy Resolutions

New Years resolutions are a danger to your self esteem and should be used with extreme caution. If you make a resolution that you fail to keep, you'll just end up feeling bad about yourself, and you would have been better off not even making one. The trick is to keep your expectations low and your resolutions easy. That way you have a better chance of experiencing a sense of accomplishment rather than failure.



For example, say you resolve to lose twenty pounds. A fine goal for many of us. But then you fail to go to the gym the way you meant to, so no weight comes off. Feeling like a failure, you turn to comfort foods and gain fifteen pounds. You see, you're much better off just resolving to start wearing sweatpants everywhere.

I'm sure you can think of even easier (and funnier) resolutions than were in the clip. Let's hear them. The funniest "easy resolutions" posted to the comments section will appear in the comments section below.

Kwanzaa Faux Pas

To my friends of African heritage, I wish you a hearty Joyous Kwanzaa. Please enjoy this very special episode.



Whenever I joke about something like this I worry that it might be taken the wrong way, even though I'm just making fun of an imaginary insensitive boob, not the holiday itself. Feel free to weigh in below.

BTW -- if you're not familiar with this holiday, you can learn about it here. If I had a chance to add another holiday to my calendar, and I'd take it. We could all do with more reasons to celebrate our lives, doncha think?

Merry Christmas

The Deadpan Inc. offices are closed today, so instead I offer you this cool little gem I unearthed. Enjoy.

Last Minute Gifts

I hope you have all of your gifts purchased and wrapped and can kick back and enjoy a nice, peaceful Christmas Eve with your loved ones. If not, I feel for ya, buddy.



Having raised a teenage girl and being familiar with their propensity to experience severe, crippling embarrasment at the slightest provocation, I would also like to see the look on the niece's face when she opens that gift from her uncle (eeewwww!). The parents' reaction might also be quite entertaining.

Holiday Weapons

As long as there are people doing stupid things to get themselves in the news, the officemates will have something stupid to talk about.



As tonight is the third night of the Festival of Lights, it's a good a time to wish my Jewish friends Happy Hanukkah. I hope you weren't offended by this episode. Remember, it's not me saying this nonsense -- I'm just the transcriber.

Isn't it funny how some people can be completely ignorant of the celebrations of other cultures and then get bent out of shape when the seventeen-year-old Target employee says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Also chuckle-worthy: the White House sending out Hanukkah reception invitations with a Christmas tree on it. Here's the actual image, in case you missed it.


And should there be any doubt about what's being delivered, the sign on the wagon says, "White House Christmas Tree 2008." Heck-of-a job, Laura.

Oprah Fat

I wouldn't have brought up this delicate subject if Oprah hadn't brought it up first. Lord knows, I don't want to offend Oprah. I live in the Chicago area -- close enough to Harpo Studios that I have no doubt the Oprah could destroy my life with just the slightest flick of a flawlessly manicured finger.



For those of you who didn't see the famous wagon of fat episode of Oprah, here's a screen shot. I think she's almost too thin here. It's like someone pasted Oprah's head on someone else's body. This was back in the 80's when she was broadcasting her show from Superman's Fortress of Solitude.




A small handful of readers from my hometown will know the Mary Alice mentioned in the clip. She was my next door neighbor when I was five, and we played together all the time. I don't actually remember pulling her around in my wagon, but it's very likely that I did.

Here's a picture of me playing with Mary Alice in my back yard. We look like Peanuts characters. The older girl in the middle is my kind and beautiful big sister, Lennie. Check it out, I'm wearing the Zorro cape mentioned in the Plain Old Stick posting.



Hey, are you a Deadpan Inc. fan who's also on Facebook? Would you like to share your enthusiasm for these semi-funny web comics with other Facebookers -- and see special episodes that can only be seen on Facebook? Then why aren't you already a fan of the Deadpan Inc. fan page?

Thanksgiving 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!



Deadpan Inc. isn't just about sharing my semi-funny videos with you. Well, mostly it is. But sometimes it provides an important public service function. If you're going to deep fry your turkey this year, please check out this video from Underwriters Laboratories first.