Diddy Twittered Tantric Sex

I'm posting Monday's episode a little early this week. Enjoy.



Think of all the layers of explanation this would require. Who is Diddy? Why is he famous? What is twittering? Why do people do that? What is tantric sex? How do you know about such things? What is happening to this world?

Depressing Television

Thankfully, I didn't watch much television in my teen years. I don't remember much on that I liked. SNL started when I was in college. Wait, that can't be right. That would make me a lot older than I am. Never mind.



Last day to vote for her name. Whatever gets the most votes wins -- I'll live with your decision.

25 Random Things

If you're not on Facebook, this episode may be lost on you. All you have to know is it is a popular chain-letter like thing that asks you to list 25 Random Things about yourself and then ask 25 friends to do it too.



I'd like to say I'm too cool for such a thing, but I can't. I did it, mainly because I enjoyed reading one done by a friend and foolishly thought some of my friends might enjoy getting to know me a little better. There are worse things in the world.

Maybe I'll do a 25 Random Things about Deadpan Inc. on the fan page. Click over there and see if I did.

Hey, have you voted on her name yet? Voting closes tomorrow.

Candy Bar Worms

Here's another charming episode best enjoyed after eating. Check your candy bars!



Here's the news clip. Watch at your own risk. Or click here if the embedded player doesn't work.

The Blue Pill

This episode is based on a true news item you can read about here. Apparently, how it works is, you take the drug, revoke the bad memory, and then it's gone. It's supposed to be good for victims of PTSD. But what happens if you accidentally think about where you parked you car?



Are there any memories I'd like to erase? I'd start with the 2007 Super Bowl. One advantage of this pill would be you'd always have an excuse if you forgot your anniversary. "I'm sorry, dear, but I must have remembered our beautiful wedding day while under the influence of that drug. You can't blame me for that."

Berserk Chimp

I felt last week's episodes were a little off, but I think I'm back on track with this one. But I don't know -- I can't tell what people are going to like. I like some more than others, but my favorites may not be yours. That's okay.



If you're too young to remember the movie career of the person mentioned in the clip, just check out this listing on IMDB. I was going to put a picture of the movie poster here, but that would have been a spoiler for the clip.

There's a new poll at the bottom right side. You can help name the female character. Or not. Whatever. Like I care.

Fingernail Lady

This story is about a tragic loss to the world of obscure world records.



Here's the photo of the lovely lady, pre-accident, with her captivating nails.

I have to give credit to my daughter for the line "Was that her goal or was she just crazy?" That was her verbatim reaction when I told her about this lady with two-foot fingernails and it made me laugh out loud. So I had to use it. Unfortunately, Daughter Stratton's delivery was much funnier than it was in the clip.

Immortal Jellyfish

Here's another true story from the world of science. This is pretty cool, even though they are only .2 inches long. In metric, that would be...I don't know. I'm an American.



Man, I envy those jellyfish. Not for the ability to live forever -- but for the ability to hit the reset button and be young again, time after time. I don't care about looking young again -- though that would be a nice plus. I would just like to be able to play a game of basketball without throwing my back out. But would I trade the wisdom I have now for the physical energy I had as a kid? Maybe on the weekends. I really only need wisdom on weekdays.

On a random unrelated subject, should these people have names. The guy has been called "Brad" by a few commenters, and that works for me. What should her name be? Any suggestions?

Oh, and by the way, sorry about yesterday. Worst Deadpan Inc. ever. Lame. So sorry.

Teacher with a Sideline

Sure those student loans are a bitch, but when your profession is elementary school education you might want to give a little more thought to your choice of a second job.

Boy-Dad

I'm not sure why this was even a news story. I'm sure there are 13-year-old dads all over the world. I guess it was the pictures of the baby-faced kid that got people's attention.



Here's the proud father. His expression seems to convey that the consequences of his actions are just starting to dawn on him. Good luck, buddy.

Mother's Milk

Last week, I moved up a Valentine's Day clip meant for today so it could run on the 14th, and I could cover up that fact that I forgot to post it on Friday, but that meant there wouldn't be a new clip today. Did you follow that? Never mind. Anyway, I threw together a quickie so you would have something new to snicker at today.



In the interest of search engine optimization, I have to mention "human breast milk from a goat." My site tracking software, in addition to giving me the name and phone number of every guest (I'll be calling you soon), can show me the referring URL -- the site you were on when you clicked over to DI.* From that I can see that I'm getting more and more new guests from Google searches. My Brain Worms episode is now a first page result for the search "brain worms" and I get a lot of traffic from that. I like to think I bring a little bit of joy to people who have just been given a disturbing diagnosis of brain worms. I feel good about that.

*Don't worry, I was just kidding about the name and phone number -- I don't get any personal user data about you, Jennifer.

Zoorotica

Normally I don't publish an episode on Saturday, but since Monday's is Valentine's Day related I thought I'd publish it early. The next episode will be published on Tuesday.



Now if you're thinking, "Wouldn't it have been easier to just publish this one yesterday, and save the one you published yesterday for Monday?"...shut up.

The Robot Head of Holly Hunter

I once created a trade show exhibit that featured the robot talking head of Sherlock Holmes. The guy who synchronized the robot's mouth to the soundtrack was amazing. It wasn't automatic like this technology is. He punched a keyboard along with the soundtrack in real time, like playing a musical instrument. I guess it was like advanced puppeteering, but it was still impressive. But I digress.



Here's the choice presented in the episode. Which would you choose?



Actually, I don't think I'd want either robot head sitting on my desk. It wouldn't take long before I developed an unhealthy Tom Hanks/Wilson volleyball relationship.

Second day in a row that celebrities have been featured prominently. Maybe that's how Deadpan Inc. will really take off. The celebrity will Google him/herself, find the episode about him/her, and then go on Letterman and tell Dave all about Deadpan Inc. I can dream. The ball's in your court, Holly.

Martha My Dear

Like many episodes, this one started on a mundane news item about Martha Washington and ended up somewhere unexpected -- even for me. I'm not even sure I "write" these things. It's more like "channeling."



Tell me you don't flash back to Mad About You when you see these two together.

Bile Bears

This episode is based on an odd, obscure news item that became even more odd and disturbing the more I read about it.



Now you're probably thinking that these bears were rescued from the bear bile farm because such cruelty is illegal. You would be wrong. Bear bile farms are perfectly legal in China. In fact, there are between 7,000 to 10,000 bears in legal Chinese bear bile farms. They are kept in tiny veal-pen-like cages where they can't move, with painful, infected open holes or tubes in their abdomens for the bile to drip out. They go crazy rubbing their heads against the bars and chewing their paws. Then they die of liver cancer.

But get this. The bear bile farms were created to save bears -- to prevent the poaching of wild bears for their bile. But wild bears are still poached because people think the "wild bile" is better than the "farm-raised" bile. And the active ingredient can be made in a lab without even touching a bear. People are funny.

Stupid Janitor

Another true news item. I couldn't make this stuff up. Thankfully, I don't have to.



I've got nothing to add to the clip. So I'll use the extra space to encourage y'all to mosey over to the fan page on Facebook to check out the extra clips and become a fan. And because the fan section is starting to look like a boys' club, I'm offering a special this week. Women can become fans for free, all week long. Don't worry, I won't "Poke" you, no matter how cute you are.

Eight is Enough

I couldn't let this news story go by without comment.



You know what is a miracle? That some people can see what this woman did as okay while thinking that using discarded embryos for stem cell research is "against God's will." If she couldn't get pregnant the natural way, maybe God didn't want her to be a mother. Choosing to manufacture 14 babies doesn't look very respectful of God's will to me.

I have no gripe whatsoever with anyone who wants to use in vitro responsibly to have a baby or two. Just don't trot out God to justify your actions. If you turn to science to get what you want, give science the credit.

Regarding the issue of selective reduction...if you think that discarding embryos is a waste of "human life," maybe you shouldn't do in vitro. Maybe you should accept God's will that you be adoptive parents. Better that than having a litter you can't raise without exploiting the charity of others. I'm just sayin'.

Teleportation Milestone

Think teleportation is just a cheesy special effect on Star Trek? Well, get ready to have your mind totally blown.



I must note that some of the script of this episode was lifted verbatim from this article posted on LiveScience. I thought about rewriting the information to avoid the plagiarism issue, but my head started to hurt. It was a lot easier to just quote and give them credit. Don't ask me what any of that means.

While looking for a still from the classic movie "The Fly" I found that David Cronenberg directed an opera version of his 1986 film version. It opened in Paris and played in L.A. last year. Music is by Howard Shore (Lord of the Rings) and the libretto is by David Henry Hwang (M. Butterfly). I'm not an opera fan, but this sounds pretty cool. Anyone see it?

Gentlemen's Club Hazards

Once again, the news proves to be a never ending source of material.



If you're not familiar with Lucite stripper shoes, here's a typical example.

Sexy! Right? Am I missing something? I'm a straight guy, so I oughta be turned on by this, right? I don't get it.

By the way, the litigant in the story waited a year before filing his lawsuit. I imagine him taking that long to get up the courage to have the following conversation with his wife: "Remember last year when that drunk jerk punched me in the face and broke my nose? Well...there wasn't really any drunk jerk..."

Shoe Thrower Monument

There's an interesting epilogue to this story. More on that below.



Here's a photo of the monument, erected at an orphanage and constructed with the help of the orphans, many of whom were orphaned by the war.


The day after the monument was unveiled, government officials took it down and destroyed it. Let freedom ring.

The shoe thrower, reporter Muntadar al-Zaidi, is still in custody awaiting trial for his crime. He could get 15 years for throwing his shoes. There are conflicting reports regarding his treatment in custody. CNN reports that his brother says he's healthy and being treated well. The BBC says he has "reportedly been beaten in custody, suffering a broken arm, broken ribs and internal bleeding."

Armpit Aromas

I hope that Deadpan Inc. will someday be widely acclaimed for its intelligent satirical commentary on modern life. This episode may not be advancing that cause. Oh well.



A note to cat owners: I do not know, nor do I care to know, what a cat's ass smells like. In hindsight, I wish I had made a little more effort to find a funnier example than "corn chips." Axe Body Spray would have been so much better. Too late now.

The Australian Orchard Bat Problem

My site tracker software shows that I have a few regular guests from Australia, so this episode is especially for them. Maybe this one will make me wildly popular down under. Or maybe not.



If this is your first exposure to Deadpan Inc., I urge you to look at a few others before passing judgment. I'll be the first to admit that this one goes awry. But what do I know? I've posted episodes I thought were just so-so and received "best ever" comments.

When you show Deadpan Inc. to a friend (and I hope you do), which one do you go to first? Today I'm asking DI regulars to please help out new viewers by posting a comment below stating your favorite episode(s). If you've never posted a comment here before, it's easy -- registering a Google user name and password takes just a few seconds and is free and secure. Don't worry, they won't spam you.

If the punchline today left you feeling a little "meh," there are a bunch more just posted at the fan page on Facebook. Use the handy link on the right, and while you're there, click that little "Become a Fan" link. Each new fan makes me weep with joy.