Fishy Behavior

Sexual harassment is nothing to joke about. Unless it involves fish, then I think it's okay. It's okay, isn't it? Please don't file a complaint against me. I need this job.



I'm not happy with Brad's fishy face -- his raised eyebrows make him look surprised. I guess it's okay if most people don't get it at first -- as long as they figure it out eventually. Here is a handy illustration to help you enjoy this episode.

I can understand animators anthropomorphizing fish for our entertainment -- Finding Nemo was a lot of fun. But when serious fish researchers do it, is that right? Sexual harassment? Female bonding? In fish? Really?

The article I read didn't say how the female fish bonded. They can't go shoe shopping. To my knowledge, there have been no Sex and the City screenings underwater. I guess they can go out for sushi. Anyone have any ideas?

An Esquire Man

I'm a long-time subscriber to Esquire Magazine. I got swayed by the substantial savings of a multi-year prepaid subscription, so they keep coming to the house whether I want them or not.



If you find this episode hard to believe, you can save yourself $4.50 and read the article online here.

In the interest of full disclosure, I submitted a story to Esquire a while ago and got a typical form rejection letter that said it wasn't right for them. Mine was a satirical story about an idiot adventurer, and the very month I got the rejection they printed a story about a real idiot adventurer who was just like the guy in my story. The difference was that the story they published was full a fawning admiration, without a hint of irony. It's no wonder they hated my story. You see, Esquire wants to be "the most interesting man in the world" from those Dos Equis beer commercials, when they are actually that grey-haired guy on Project Runway. (No offense intended toward Tim Gunn. Mr. Gunn seems like a very nice guy who is perfectly happy being Tim Gunn.)

If you're not familiar with Esquire, sorry for wasting you time today. I hope you found the clip amusing, if a bit puzzling.

Hey, who knew Lily was in an 80's music video? The direction of this video was so goofy -- the lyrics are actually quite moving. Maybe I'm too sentimental -- but why did they shy away from the true emotions behind the words. They blew it. Still a great song though.

Part-time Job

I have Facebook fan Dan McCulley to thank for pointing me to this article -- though this kind of story is the least satisfying to write about. When a story is already absurd, there's not much I can do to improve it. It's easy to write, but I enjoy the challenge of finding the absurdity in stories where it isn't so obvious. But this story is too damn funny to ignore.



Of all the remarkable aspects of this story, the way the wives went along with it is noteworthy. I can understand a woman being desperate to get pregnant, but the fact that the donor dude's wife went along with it too is surprising. I guess they needed the money. I wonder if my wife would agree to stud me out to a neighbor? The situation has never arisen. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm open to considering proposals.

Haute Cuisine

I was alerted to this gastronomical phenomenon by my friend Erik Marcus at Vegan.com. I'm an omnivore, but I think I'd draw the line on this dish. There's no wonder how Paula keeps her lovely figure.



You can probably still see the clip at The Food Network site. I could give you the link, but I figure if you really want to see it, you can find it. You're a resourceful person. Somehow you found your way here.

She's doing it wrong by rolling it in flour, eggs and crumbs. Batter-dipped is the way to go. Just whip up some pancake batter and dunk -- so much easier and it gives a thicker, crunchier, more calorie-dense coating. That's how we did it when I worked at Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips. The tricky part of that job was trying to gently lower a block of batter-dipped frozen fish into the hot oil. About every sixth block would slip out of my fingers and fall in, causing the hot oil to splash up and burn my forearm. That summer I walked around with little scabs all over my arms. I call the fish "blocks" because they were formed into perfect 60° right triangles. You couldn't really call them "fillets." I usually went next door to the Taco Bell for lunch. My boss told me to at least take off the uniform shirt when I do that.

They did have the best dessert there though -- a deep-fried lemon turnover that put the Micky D's apple turnover to shame. I miss those lemon turnovers. And they had these giant "chips" that were the size of monkey-wrench handles. How could that fail?

Funeral Beer

I think the perfect beer for a funeral would be Guinness, because it's dark -- almost black. A light golden ale would just look too festive.



Hey, two mentions of Guinness in a week. You'd think the Guinness folks would be cutting me a check about now. Or at least sending me a free case. Let's get on that, Guinness.

Txt Msg Divorce

I know some Muslim men can divorce their wives by saying the magic words three times, but does it work the other way? Can women do that to divorce their husbands? I doubt it.



I wonder if the existence of this divorce method has Mel Gibson questioning his Catholicism these days.

Hey, anyone have way too much time on their hands? Who's up for creating the Deadpan Inc. Wikipedia article? Have at it. (I'd do it, but the Wiki-masters frown on self-promotion.)

World Records

Seriously, I'm thinking of getting a job with the Guinness Book of World Records people. They must be one of the few companies hiring in this economy, what with every nutcase in the world trying to set some kind of record. Plus, free Guinness!



I think I hold the world record for the creation of semi-funny, semi-animated semi-films. For whatever that's worth.